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Joined: Feb 2014
Version 2 (a nod to Milo)
Gone two days, but the skunk
stench sticks to the curb,
splashes of bronze
where road, animal,
and darkness fused
in a driver's headlamps.
When an odor holds
faster than gravestones,
not even a cross makes the dead
more present, wisped into the vents
of bicycle helmets, the cracked
windows of alley traffic.
It takes a block to remove
the film of memory from each breath;
what was inhaled
already a part of the blood
used to fuel the lungs again
to pump the heart once more.
---------------------
V. 1
Gone two days, but the skunk
stench keeps to the curb,
swimming in splashes of bronze
where road, animal,
and darkness fused
in a driver's headlamps.
When an odor holds
faster than gravestones,
not even a cross makes the dead
more present, wisped into the vents
of bicycle helmets, the cracked
windows of alley traffic.
It takes a block to remove
the film of memory from each breath;
what was inhaled
already a part of the blood
used to fuel the lungs again
to pump the heart once more.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(02-27-2014, 10:47 AM)geoff Wrote: Gone two days, but the skunk
stench keeps to the curb,
swimming in splashes of bronze
am I reading correctly that the "skunk stench" is swimming in splashes of bronze?
When an odor holds
faster than gravestones,
not even a cross makes the dead
more present
I think that sounds nice. But I think it's obvious that a cross is weaker than a stench.
The poem is pretty good. Though it gets so melodramatic at the end.
Posts: 37
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2014
milo
- that was my intention. would you suggest switching the "swimming," the "in," or something else altogether? thanks for the time
rowens
-thanks for the words. I understand what you're saying about the ending, though I think it ties in with the title. suggestions are always welcome
Posts: 1,279
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Joined: Dec 2016
(02-27-2014, 11:13 AM)geoff Wrote: milo
- that was my intention. would you suggest switching the "swimming," the "in," or something else altogether? thanks
I am not sure, I am having a difficult time reconciling this smell swimming in bronze. What is the intent behind it if you don't mind me asking?
Posts: 37
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Joined: Feb 2014
hey milo,
I was aiming for showing that the odor was staying near the area. something to the effect of "straddling the splashes of bronze"
Posts: 1,279
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Joined: Dec 2016
(03-03-2014, 11:56 AM)geoff Wrote: hey milo,
I was aiming for showing that the odor was staying near the area. something to the effect of "straddling the splashes of bronze"
I think " keeps to the curb" handles that without the confused image. Maybe sticks to the curb even as "keeps to the curb" is an idiom for something that doesn't enter the road and I would think the scent of skunk would.
Posts: 37
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2014
Agree with your comments and will adjust. Appreciate your help
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(03-03-2014, 12:18 PM)geoff Wrote: Agree with your comments and will adjust. Appreciate your help
Cool.
Hey, I like the idea of road, animal and darkness fusing, but would that really happen in the driver's headlamps? (Particularly the darkness part)
Posts: 105
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Joined: Nov 2013
(02-27-2014, 10:47 AM)geoff Wrote: Version 2 (a nod to Milo)
Gone two days, but the skunk
stench sticks to the curb,
splashes of bronze I would be tempted to leave out this line - the stench sticking to the curb implies its tenacity
where road, animal,
and darkness fused
in a driver's headlamps. perhaps they could fuse somewhere other than in headlamps?
When an odor holds
faster than gravestones,
not even a cross makes the dead
more present, wisped into the vents
of bicycle helmets, the cracked
windows of alley traffic.
It takes a block to remove
the film of memory from each breath;
what was inhaled
already a part of the blood
used to fuel the lungs again
to pump the heart once more.
--------------------- thanks for the read! I think this is well done and clear. I found the frequent stanza breaks a bit off-putting, but that may just be me. Best.
V. 1
Gone two days, but the skunk
stench keeps to the curb,
swimming in splashes of bronze
where road, animal,
and darkness fused
in a driver's headlamps.
When an odor holds
faster than gravestones,
not even a cross makes the dead
more present, wisped into the vents
of bicycle helmets, the cracked
windows of alley traffic.
It takes a block to remove
the film of memory from each breath;
what was inhaled
already a part of the blood
used to fuel the lungs again
to pump the heart once more.
Posts: 37
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2014
milo
would "under" work better than "in" for line 6 or still lead to a similar issue?
beau
-thanks for the kind words and suggestions. I am considering them and will make some adjustments soon
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(03-04-2014, 10:40 AM)geoff Wrote: milo
would "under" work better than "in" for line 6 or still lead to a similar issue?
beau
-thanks for the kind words and suggestions. I am considering them and will make some adjustments soon
maybe, it is tough for me to reconcile without making it more complex. maybe fuse with shadows, outside headlights, beyond headlights at the headlights' edge.
have you considered "umbra" or "penumbra". I know it can be tough to fit those words in but they do seem to fit and I love saying them.
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