Heroic Crown of Sonnets (Another Activity)
#41
ok, I'd love to hear what the others think, about this, and the rest of it.


(02-04-2014, 09:51 AM)billy Wrote:  i'm fine with how you had it, i thought i'd just left the s off Big Grin leave it as you did it :J:

(02-04-2014, 09:49 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(02-04-2014, 09:37 AM)billy Wrote:  hi true good catch, can it be

the childhood strengths that guides you brick by brick.

instead please as i meant to use strengths and not strength Blush

yeah, that's what it was originally (but guide, not guides. strengths that guides doesn't make sense). i was only making a suggestion, to agree with finger. we can leave it how it was, but i'm not sure what to do with the ultimate sonnet. what do you think?
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#42
Thanks so much for your suggestions, billy.

(02-04-2014, 09:50 AM)billy Wrote:  great effort jammy (ellajam) Big Grin

iv.

A human finger moves us. After all a suggestion would be to make this one sentance as i'm not sure the enjambment works well enough as it is I'll try it with an edit L2.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl, would a period work better here? Absolutely, comma in error
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus, i like the image of this line, should it be a semi colon after toes because of the shift change
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You turn and fuss,
then slip back into artificial sleep,
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace your palms and tell your future, grand
achievements, escapades and love affairs,
your secret strengths held in your tiny hand.
Although we strive to justify our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

Abacus is a problem, I'm meaning:
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, (they are) my abacus,

I need the comma after toes, and for a semicolon or period after abacus I'd have to reword the next line. I'll think on it.

A human finger moves us after all.
For weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You turn and fuss,
then slip back into artificial sleep,
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace your palms and tell your future, grand
achievements, escapades and love affairs,
your secret strengths held in your tiny hand.
Although we strive to justify our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

Does that read better?

And I used weeks instead of months because they count premies in weeks, anyone bothered by weeks?
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#43
Heroic effort! Don't let them take that abacus of toes from you. It's my favorite line and image.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#44
(02-05-2014, 03:57 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Heroic effort! Don't let them take that abacus of toes from you. It's my favorite line and image.

Ha, two "good efforts", third one and Sheee's Out! Hysterical

Yeah, I like that line, too. They were perfect toes but I was a foot long. Big Grin
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#45
I agree that the abacus is crucial to the poem's appeal (personally, I find it quite brilliant, and ["they are"] is certainly not needed, it is clear enough.) As far as the different ways of punctuating it, I am mostly ambivalent. I like the poem both ways. I thought the enjambment worked fine and had its own appeal, yet this other, simpler sentence structure may be easier to parse.
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#46
(02-05-2014, 07:41 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  I agree that the abacus is crucial to the poem's appeal (personally, I find it quite brilliant, and ["they are"] is certainly not needed, it is clear enough.) As far as the different ways of punctuating it, I am mostly ambivalent. I like the poem both ways. I thought the enjambment worked fine and had its own appeal, yet this other, simpler sentence structure may be easier to parse.

I'd like to think a while on that first line.

I thought billy's period after bawl was correct, but now I'm unsure again. Welcome to my world. Smile
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#47
(02-05-2014, 08:07 AM)ellajam Wrote:  
(02-05-2014, 07:41 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  I agree that the abacus is crucial to the poem's appeal (personally, I find it quite brilliant, and ["they are"] is certainly not needed, it is clear enough.) As far as the different ways of punctuating it, I am mostly ambivalent. I like the poem both ways. I thought the enjambment worked fine and had its own appeal, yet this other, simpler sentence structure may be easier to parse.

I'd like to think a while on that first line.

I thought billy's period after bawl was correct, but now I'm unsure again. Welcome to my world. Smile

Think away!Thumbsup
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#48
one of my reasons for a period was to cut down the long line length.
and yes, the comma after toes does work, i think my head was up my bottom when i suggested otherwise Big Grin

(02-05-2014, 08:07 AM)ellajam Wrote:  
(02-05-2014, 07:41 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  I agree that the abacus is crucial to the poem's appeal (personally, I find it quite brilliant, and ["they are"] is certainly not needed, it is clear enough.) As far as the different ways of punctuating it, I am mostly ambivalent. I like the poem both ways. I thought the enjambment worked fine and had its own appeal, yet this other, simpler sentence structure may be easier to parse.
I'd like to think a while on that first line.

I thought billy's period after bawl was correct, but now I'm unsure again. Welcome to my world. Smile

i'll have another go at one after lunch in a few hours Sad
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#49
We cannot earn the luck, or curse of birth
these designations; labels placed on us
will not control our stride across this earth.
We'll pave the path we walk with work, and cuss;
a shower of expletives, or a finger
raised to show that we don't give a fuck.
When pandjandrums pull us through the wringer.
When obligations ride within our truck.

At times the fear of facing life with verve
can split the very fibre of a fart.
It's then we have to break the painful nerve
and share the shit that's ripping us apart.
Though we owe nought, and from us nought is sought.
The one that freely gives is seldom bought.


i tried a few things with the meter and hope it's still seen as iambic pent.
i wasn't sure with if panjandrum has a plural Sad

The next sonnet opens with this line:

the one that freely gives is seldom bought.
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#50
(02-07-2014, 06:53 PM)billy Wrote:  We cannot earn the luck, or curse of birth
these designations; labels placed on us
will not control our stride across this earth.
We'll pave the path we walk with work, and cuss;
a shower of expletives, or a finger
raised to show that we don't give a fuck.
When pandjandrum pull us through the wringer.
When obligations ride within our truck.

At times the fear of facing life with verve
can split the very fibre of a fart.
It's then we have to break the painful nerve
and share the shit that's ripping us apart.
Though we owe nought, and to us nought is sought
the one that freely gives is seldom bought.


i tried a few things with the meter and hope it's still seen as iambic pent.
i wasn't sure with if panjandrum has a plural Sad

The next sonnet opens with this line:

the one that freely gives is seldom bought.

Billy, panjandrums or panjandra is plural, so if you change it to one of the two, you can leave the verb as 'pull'. Thumbsup Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#51
thanks christopher
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#52
(02-07-2014, 08:14 PM)billy Wrote:  thanks christopher

I like your sonnet Billy.
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#53
thanks JM

(02-07-2014, 06:53 PM)billy Wrote:  We cannot earn the luck, or curse of birth
these designations; labels placed on us
will not control our stride across this earth.
We'll pave the path we walk with work, and cuss;
a shower of expletives, or a finger
raised to show that we don't give a fuck.
When pandjandrums pull us through the wringer.
When obligations ride within our truck.

At times the fear of facing life with verve
can split the very fibre of a fart.
It's then we have to break the painful nerve
and share the shit that's ripping us apart.
Though we owe nought, and from us nought is sought.
The one that freely gives is seldom bought.


i tried a few things with the meter and hope it's still seen as iambic pent.
i wasn't sure with if panjandrum has a plural Sad i did change [to] i the penultimate line to [from]

The next sonnet opens with this line:

the one that freely gives is seldom bought.
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#54
I've revised mine, all critique welcome.

edit #1 (tectak, true, billy)

A human finger moves us, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#55
speak out man
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#56

So this is how we enter clockwork's tick
they talk they tell your story in the hall
The childhood strengths that guide you brick by brick
a human finger moves us after all

we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth
The one that freely gives is seldom bought


All Our Yesterdays

i.

So this is how we enter clockwork's tick
into a lifetime of fragility.
Come quick, small child! Your heart is but a chick's
small squeaks; your wings are barely feathered. See,
the steel-clawed beast in smock and apron gear
won't harm your molded head. This violent day
will fade. Don't turn to crawl back in from fear
of numbered clocks that beep your heart away—
into cold night, in bed with mother moon,
brief as icicle drips at sunrise—strife
will lift as scrapbook pages turn. So soon
you will grow old! The brevity of life
will strike you grey; yet pictures line the wall,
they talk. They tell your story in the hall.

ii.

They talk; they tell your story in the hall.
A wall of photo shoots from nought 'til now
of scratched-knee-summers, or a freezing fall.
Vignettes of crawls and steps; I don't know how
you raised your chubby frame from off the floor
and slowly skewed, at first a step: Then two.
To stop the wobbling arse you grabbed the door
then jiggled like a jelly, what a view.
So many times you fell, you will again
but hopefully you'll rise enough to see,
the value of a stumble or the strain
that bends a body, often lays the key.
Inside a man's foundation one can pick
the childhood strengths that guide you brick by brick.

iii.

the childhood strengths that guide you brick by brick
into a cloistered world of selfish greed
so quickly does the ego learn his trick
of choosing want with small regard for need
then anger fuels your unresponsive mood
and tantrums win when met with weak resolve
so ev’rything you ask for, clothes or food
are sentences for crimes you can’t absolve
the lies they tell you just to grow you up
imprinted with their out-of-fashion pains
like too-sweet soda from a paper cup
that doesn't slake your thirst, but leaves faint stains
with all the futile lines writ on a wall;
a human finger moves us after all

iv.

A human finger moves us, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth

v.

We cannot earn the luck, or curse of birth
these designations; labels placed on us
will not control our stride across this earth.
We'll pave the path we walk with work, and cuss;
a shower of expletives, or a finger
raised to show that we don't give a fuck.
When pandjandrums pull us through the wringer.
When obligations ride within our truck.

At times the fear of facing life with verve
can split the very fibre of a fart.
It's then we have to break the painful nerve
and share the shit that's ripping us apart.
Though we owe nought, and from us nought is sought.
The one that freely gives is seldom bought.
__________

The next sonnet is to start with this line:
Quote:The one that freely gives is seldom bought

And the couplet is to rhyme with birth.

It looks like we are ready for the next sonnet guys. We already have 5 incredibly creative sonnets! That's quiet an accomplishment unto itself. If any of the rest of you out there are hoping to squeak one in you'd better hurry! There are only nine to go!
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