edit #4.1 (Qdeathstar)

Coming of Age, Again

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain—
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf
and aged with no apology.
Now silver streaks reveal the trade:
her innocence for halo's shade.


edit#4 (milo, true, news, jc, billy)

Give an Inch

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity.
Now silver streaks reveal the trade:
her innocence for halo's shade.

edit #3 (milo, news, true, jc)

Give an Inch...

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong.
Then he reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care,
she'd always thought it was just hair.

Alt. couplet:
Lets hope the next guy doesn't think
his turn-on is close cropped and pink.


edit #1
Silver and Bold

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

original
Silver Sonnet

She did it first to please an ex
who thought her pale strands should be dyed--
what's with that bond of hair with sex?
She fought it then she caved and tried
the wash out type, it did the trick;
a decade passed of monthly rinse,
her tresses still dark brown and thick.
While laugh lines grew it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf
and now with grace old age bequeaths
gray rises slowly from beneath.


(I'm not sure I get away with the meter in L8, help please. Of course, all crit welcome.)

M,

As this seems written mostly in iambic tetrameter I'm not sure why it's called a sonnet, but OK. I can fix L8 but everything around it would need to change. I think the easiest way to get it back in rhythm (it's not out of meter) is to drop the "while", and start on the half foot.

"laugh lines grew, it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be."

That's the best I can do to remove the awkwardness without rewriting the whole thing.

Overall it is a fun poem and points out the fakery we all participate in, in order to accommodate those we would live with. Hair color in the final analysis is at best a frivolous change. Men and women both have to change a lot if they are going to get a long, and in the end , it all comes out in the wash, or here, the rinse

Dale

PS It's also why I live in a cave with no one around for miles, when I was in the hospital recently they had to keep shooting me with the tranquilizer gun...still haven't figured how to get this tracking tag off! Well at least I have this Underwood typewriter duct taped to an old black and white TV screen so I can get on the internet. I may have to upgrade my phone, my hands are getting to old to bang rocks anymore, need to get one of them newfangled bricks uncle Eb is always showing me.

Thanks, dale,

I'm just learning, I didn't know sonnets had to be pentameter (?), guess I need a title change on edit.

Is L8 the only line that's off? I don't mind rewriting, it's an exercise while I'm waiting for a real poem .

I'm glad you enjoyed it. While appearance may seem frivolous, it can be a small step on the way down to other compromises. Myself, I've gotten pretty tolerant of someone else's quirks, and demand a lot of tolerance in return.

Tinfoil hats are pretty easy to fashion from the neighbor's trash.

I love reading sonnets here!
The meter is tetrameter. Needs to be pentameter.

Besides that, I think that in the Shakespearean sonnets, the final couplet needs to be its own sentence or sentences. I think yours did a good job of concluding the poem, but try putting a period at the end of line 12 and try something like
"So now with grace old age bequeaths"
so the couplet has its own complete sentence.

(01-23-2014, 01:20 AM)ThePinsir Wrote:  I love reading sonnets here!
The meter is tetrameter. Needs to be pentameter.

Besides that, I think that in the Shakespearean sonnets, the final couplet needs to be its own sentence or sentences. I think yours did a good job of concluding the poem, but try putting a period at the end of line 12 and try something like
"So now with grace old age bequeaths"
so the couplet has its own complete sentence.

Ha, that's what I had but changed it. Think I'll clean this up, change title to "song" and start a pentameter. Thanks for reading and the good advice.

I don't much about poetry since I'm just starting out my self. But I enjoyed this a lot. I think some words should be cut off like the "while' part but this was good altogether.

(01-23-2014, 01:49 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(01-23-2014, 01:20 AM)ThePinsir Wrote:  I love reading sonnets here!
The meter is tetrameter. Needs to be pentameter.

Besides that, I think that in the Shakespearean sonnets, the final couplet needs to be its own sentence or sentences. I think yours did a good job of concluding the poem, but try putting a period at the end of line 12 and try something like
"So now with grace old age bequeaths"
so the couplet has its own complete sentence.

Ha, that's what I had but changed it. Think I'll clean this up, change title to "song" and start a tetrameter. Thanks for reading and the good advice.

Well, you never have to /call/ it a sonnet either way but there is certainly nothing wrong with a sonnet in IT. I have written sonnets in almost every meter you could think of. I will check back later with other comments.

Call it a rock'n'roll sonnet and be done with it . Iambic pentameter is just the most common meter, not a hard-and-fast rule. I've written them in tetrameter as well, and one of my favourite meters to write in is iambic heptameter. This has still got the feel of a sonnet (although it's true that you don't need to call sonnets "sonnets" and that shuts everyone up ).

I think the last line should probably be "rising" instead of "rises", and to properly encapsulate the couplet, you might want to stick a colon at the end of L12. It's great fun though, with a good dose of irony.

(01-23-2014, 04:15 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Iambic pentameter is just the most common meter, not a hard-and-fast rule.

I didn't know that! Ima try playing with some different meter. Thanks!

I had to call it a sonnet or Pinsir wouldn't have read it.

I changed from rising to rises at the last minute, better think it through, when I changed from "so now" to "and now".

(01-23-2014, 02:00 AM)Dru Flores Wrote:  I don't much about poetry since I'm just starting out my self. But I enjoyed this a lot. I think some words should be cut off like the "while' part but this was good altogether.

Hi, Dru, welcome. Do you think the whole line is off or just the "while"?

Thanks for reading and giving me your input.

---

You're right about that "while", Dale, it's something I never would have done before I started playing iamb. I'm going to try to edit keeping rhythm and IT. Why? Oh, I don't know, why not?

(01-22-2014, 11:37 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Silver Sonnet

She did it first to please an ex
who thought her pale strands should be dyed--
what's with that bond of hair with sex?

I like the rhyme of "ex" and "sex"
The second line suffers from an unfortunate condition of the English language - three hard beats forces a demotion. In this case it is "pale strands should" so "strands" gets the awkward demotion.

Also, the "she did it first" beginning creates an odd ambiguity that I am not sure is intentional. (which one of them did it first) The diction is odd anyway, I think it would be nice to see it with more standard diction and see if it suffers for it, maybe even create a little sex-ambiguity with a phrase like "the first time" or something.

Quote:She fought it then she caved and tried
the wash out type, it did the trick;
a decade passed of monthly rinse,
her tresses still dark brown and thick.

"She fought it then she caved and tried" lacks the tension needed for truth. "Still" feels like padding, maybe something like "stayed", of course remained would be better but you would need some other adjustments.

Quote:While laugh lines grew it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be.

"while" sets up a conditional that is never realized by the rest of the sentences. Also, you are missing an opportunity for irony by comparing the positives of age with what she is denying. Something like "her face is lined from laughs but still her hair reflects inconsequence of youth" or something else (written better of course)

Quote:One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf
and now with grace old age bequeaths
gray rises slowly from beneath.


(I'm not sure I get away with the meter in L8, help please. Of course, all crit welcome.)

something weird about "and now with grace old age bequeaths", I am not sure you pull it off.

Anyway, i have commented quite a bit and i don't want you to think i don't like it, I do. I think it will strengthen and grow, in time reflecting the work you put into it like grey hair.

Thanks, milo, that was just what I wanted, something meaty to work with.

The only point I don't understand is

Quote:"She fought it then she caved and tried" lacks the tension needed for truth.

.

Do you mean the wording or the idea?

Thanks so much for your time with this.

(01-24-2014, 07:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks, milo, that was just what I wanted, something meaty to work with.

The only point I don't understand is

Quote:"She fought it then she caved and tried" lacks the tension needed for truth.

.

Do you mean the wording or the idea?

Thanks so much for your time with this.

So let's say I was an hour late to pick you up for our yoga date and of course it was because of that new frozen yogurt place so when I finally get there I toss off the flip "I fought it then I caved and tried" as one phrase just like that, would you believe that I fought it at all?

(01-24-2014, 11:30 PM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2014, 07:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks, milo, that was just what I wanted, something meaty to work with.

The only point I don't understand is

Quote:"She fought it then she caved and tried" lacks the tension needed for truth.

.

Do you mean the wording or the idea?

Thanks so much for your time with this.

So let's say I was an hour late to pick you up for our yoga date and of course it was because of that new frozen yogurt place so when I finally get there I toss off the flip "I fought it then I caved and tried" as one phrase just like that, would you believe that I fought it at all?

Yes, because I trust you, though I'd be highly suspicious of the hour time span. Why would you lie to me? Oh, it doesn't matter, I wouldn't be home anymore anyway.

But actually, point taken. I just don't think there's room here to convey a previous strong prejudice against cosmetic change, but I'll see if I can come up with a suitable mini-rant. Thanks for the explanation.

(01-25-2014, 12:20 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(01-24-2014, 11:30 PM)milo Wrote:  

(01-24-2014, 07:14 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks, milo, that was just what I wanted, something meaty to work with.

The only point I don't understand is
.

Do you mean the wording or the idea?

Thanks so much for your time with this.

So let's say I was an hour late to pick you up for our yoga date and of course it was because of that new frozen yogurt place so when I finally get there I toss off the flip "I fought it then I caved and tried" as one phrase just like that, would you believe that I fought it at all?

Yes, because I trust you, though I'd be highly suspicious of the hour time span. Why would you lie to me? Oh, it doesn't matter, I wouldn't be home anymore anyway.

But actually, point taken. I just don't think there's room here to convey a previous strong prejudice against cosmetic change, but I'll see if I can come up with a suitable mini-rant. Thanks for the explanation.

I was thinking the same thing. You are left with a choice I woud think to either develop some tension around it or abandon that point. Perhaps different words would work or even a stronger allusion to the possibility earlier either symbollicaly or through double meanings. Eh - you will think of something

(01-25-2014, 12:32 AM)milo Wrote:  

(01-25-2014, 12:20 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(01-24-2014, 11:30 PM)milo Wrote:  So let's say I was an hour late to pick you up for our yoga date and of course it was because of that new frozen yogurt place so when I finally get there I toss off the flip "I fought it then I caved and tried" as one phrase just like that, would you believe that I fought it at all?

Yes, because I trust you, though I'd be highly suspicious of the hour time span. Why would you lie to me? Oh, it doesn't matter, I wouldn't be home anymore anyway.

But actually, point taken. I just don't think there's room here to convey a previous strong prejudice against cosmetic change, but I'll see if I can come up with a suitable mini-rant. Thanks for the explanation.

I was thinking the same thing. You are left with a choice I woud think to either develop some tension around it or abandon that point. Perhaps different words would work or even a stronger allusion to the possibility earlier either symbollicaly or through double meanings. Eh - you will think of something

Probably just saying she's doing it to please an ex says enough. Maybe I can make better use of line. Thanks

I'll let the experts get technical with you. Here's what I think.

(01-22-2014, 11:37 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Silver Sonnet

She did it first to please an ex
who thought her pale strands should be dyed--
what's with that bond of hair with sex? I never understood this bond either. Without going into frivolous details with my past, I think it's the main reason most women chop their hair off after a breakup. Or turn their face to other vaginas.
She fought it then she caved and tried
the wash out type, it did the trick;
a decade passed of monthly rinse,
her tresses still dark brown and thick.
While laugh lines grew it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be. this line seems a little beneath the content of all the others. While I like where this poem is taking me, this line sticks out like a hatchet wound because it's not as good as the others.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf
and now with grace old age bequeaths
gray rises slowly from beneath.


(I'm not sure I get away with the meter in L8, help please. Of course, all crit welcome.)

One of my professors dyed her blonde hair black for a decade and decided to let it grow out naturally for the first time when I met her. It had turned red.

While some of the lines stick out to me, I think you're doing a fabulous job pushing yourself. I like poetry with a little dirt in it, so thanks for the inclusion of sex. :]

And thanks for the read,
Sandra

Ha, Sandra, maybe I'll replace some of the bum lines with something more for you. Of course, we'd have to bring in the current guy for that.

Thanks so much for reading and for your comments.

---

For Sandra:
He whispered as he dipped his dong,
my poor brain puddled in a pool,
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
Well, I'll be damned, another rule!

and I could retitle it Bond/Age.

---

Quote:she'd seen herself as she should be. this line seems a little beneath the content of all the others. While I like where this poem is taking me, this line sticks out like a hatchet wound because it's not as good as the others.

For me the thought in this line is pivotal, so I appreciate you letting me know it sucks, and in such a forceful and memorable way. It will change, thanks.

Well, I've given this the once over, no new title yet. (Maybe "Silver and Bold" )

Thanks so much for everyone's time, if you can spare a bit more, a new dissection is welcome.