There's a not-so-subtle song lyric smuggled in here. In fact, it's that song that inspired this sonnet. Bonus points if you can spot it.


Escape
Version 2.0
The young are slaved and sold to lives of sin
as zealots bomb and terrorize the towns.
Pandemics spread and scatter death around,
and woe to man as climate change begins!
The threat of nukes that melt the bone from skin
are made by men who've bought and sold the crown.
Humanity, in whole, is going down
as Satan shows his cold and calloused grin.
For precious instants, though, I can escape-
a sanctuary in your auburn eyes
where I can lay and just forget the world.
With you I'm free, reality reshaped
into a blissful, pure, and perfect guise
where fear and fate and love are loosely blurred.

Escape

The young are sold and never seen again
as zealots bomb and terrorize the towns.
Pandemics spread and scatter death around,
and woe to man as climate change begins!
The threat of nukes that melt the bone from skin
are made by men who've bought and sold the crown.
Humanity, in whole, is going down
as Satan shows his cold and calloused grin.
For precious instants, though, I can escape-
a sanctuary in your auburn eyes
where I can lay and just forget the world.
With you I'm free, reality reshaped
into a blissful, pure, and perfect guise
where fear and fate and love are loosely blurred.

It might come together better if you have a stronger opening. If you can change and rearrange the words leading to that fourth line. That fourth line that might would sound better as something like

Woe to man as a change in climate begins.


So far it's too rough to say much about. You could look at all the times you use 'and', 'the' and 'as' in the first four lines as you try to smooth things out.

first off, an excellent effort.
some of the rhymes could be better, blurred being one of them. i'm crap at song lyrics so no bonus point for me.
wish i could have been more help

(01-11-2014, 06:18 AM)ThePinsir Wrote:  There's a not-so-subtle song lyric smuggled in here. In fact, it's that song that inspired this sonnet. Bonus points if you can spot it.

Escape

The young are sold and never seen again
as zealots bomb and terrorize the towns.
Pandemics spread and scatter death around,
and woe to man as climate change begins!
The threat of nukes that melt the bone from skin
are made by men who've bought and sold the crown.
Humanity, in whole, is going down
as Satan shows his cold and calloused grin.
For precious instants, though, I can escape- for me this is the volta/change of tone, so you have the two main parts
a sanctuary in your auburn eyes
where I can lay and just forget the world.
With you I'm free, reality reshaped
into a blissful, pure, and perfect guise
where fear and fate and love are loosely blurred. im not sure the couplet is doing it's job, as it's more of a triplet that finishes it off.

I like the arrangement of this, but the tone changes very suddenly and that could either be a good or bad thing, depending on the reader. But really other than that I think the vocabulary you put into this in a descriptive aspect is wonderful. Wish I could find something to criticize but I simply can't.

I was able to understand the message being conveyed however I felt when I was reading it, I stumbled several times near the beginning and the last part when you are looking for peace in the eyes of (I'm assuming) your lover, I really liked that part. Perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic, either way, thank you for sharing

Very solid starting point pinsir.
Are we chasing cars or looking for lyrics??

the stark Volta works excellently, but your couplet could be more succinct.

Some thoughts below.

Thanks a lot,

(01-11-2014, 06:18 AM)ThePinsir Wrote:  There's a not-so-subtle song lyric smuggled in here. In fact, it's that song that inspired this sonnet. Bonus points if you can spot it.

Escape

The young are sold and never seen again
as zealots bomb and terrorize the towns.
Pandemics spread and scatter death around,
and woe to man as climate change begins! Great opening, but this line is clumsy in comparison with the first 3. "And woe to human's climate changing sin" maybe.
The threat of nukes that melt the bone from skin really powerful image. Spine chilling
are made by men who've bought and sold the crown.
Humanity, in whole, is going down lost your meter here a touch.
as Satan shows his cold and calloused grin. Strong alliteration. Might be just my mouth but "Cold and calloused grin" actually pulls my expression to that exactly. Brilliant.
For precious instants, though, I can escape-
a sanctuary in your auburn eyes meter again here
where I can lay and just forget the world.
With you I'm free, reality reshaped
into a blissful, pure, and perfect guise
where fear and fate and love are loosely blurred.

I edited the first line. I think it's MUCH stronger now. I still need to figure something out with the climate change line. I'll work on it..

Thanks for all the input!

In case the criticism of that line was about meter, or something else. There is writing that is an afterthought to a point that people want to convey. Not this poem. Because, "climate change" is something like a brand name, it doesn't taint the rest of the poem, but on first reading, it makes me half expect that the poem will be that kind of poem.