Morning coffee blends
into my white cup,
throated and masculine;
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue,
bleached coldness;
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away

Certainty smiles at all of us
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup, I like these opening lines, and I'm not quite sure why. It has something to do with the idea that coffee and cup become one.
throated and masculine; This made me giggle, but then I have a dirty mind.
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons I love the use of bouquet here. It conveys the intended image perfectly.

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue,
bleached coldness; I'd recommend removing "blue," (including the comma) and putting "with" after "glow", just to simplify and thus make the image more potent.
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away This is where the poem starts to lose me. Who are the male and female, why are they important, and why are they being presented in this abstract way? The very abstractness of their presentation makes one think that the poem is entirely about them, which doesn't seem right.

Certainty smiles at all of us
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects I've just realised that they're birds Sorry, I'm an idiot. This is a great last verse, by the way. Its use of action makes it feel crisp and fast-paced.

Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

Actually the most well known, Northern Cardinals mate for life, so they are never far from each other. So the line works for me, because I know a lot of stuff that really doesn't matter much. They are such a beautiful crested bird, I seem them most every day. The part I like is they attack their own reflection, since it does happen here all day long because of the reflective film I have on the windows. I agree with the glass on the table making the spoons into flowers of a sort and being the center piece of the table. I am see what Heslopian means on the throated and masculine image. I was thinking a smaller top then bottom, but I don't drink coffee, but love the smell. I also like the snow and reflections.


I also like the poem, since birds bring much more life then just other birds.

i nive coffee cup view through the window.
nice and tight except an odd place, an enjoyable read indeed. i like the observations in the poem because it allows the reader to be a part of the poem by seeing the outside courtship.

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup, i think this line is too obvious and wonder is it needed at all?
throated and masculine;
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons a great image, i think all homes have a bouquet of cutlery in one form or another, ours is by the sink

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue,
bleached coldness; i like how blue and cold work together
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away

Certainty smiles at all of us this line feels contrived. i have no suggestion how to un contrive it though
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects

(01-05-2014, 05:31 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup, I like these opening lines, and I'm not quite sure why. It has something to do with the idea that coffee and cup become one.
throated and masculine; This made me giggle, but then I have a dirty mind.
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons I love the use of bouquet here. It conveys the intended image perfectly.

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue,
bleached coldness; I'd recommend removing "blue," (including the comma) and putting "with" after "glow", just to simplify and thus make the image more potent.
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away This is where the poem starts to lose me. Who are the male and female, why are they important, and why are they being presented in this abstract way? The very abstractness of their presentation makes one think that the poem is entirely about them, which doesn't seem right.

Certainty smiles at all of us
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects I've just realised that they're birds Sorry, I'm an idiot. This is a great last verse, by the way. Its use of action makes it feel crisp and fast-paced.

Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

Not sure what to make of your critique. But thanks for the effort.

---

(01-05-2014, 07:02 AM)Regallis Wrote:  Actually the most well known, Northern Cardinals mate for life, so they are never far from each other. So the line works for me, because I know a lot of stuff that really doesn't matter much. They are such a beautiful crested bird, I seem them most every day. The part I like is they attack their own reflection, since it does happen here all day long because of the reflective film I have on the windows. I agree with the glass on the table making the spoons into flowers of a sort and being the center piece of the table. I am see what Heslopian means on the throated and masculine image. I was thinking a smaller top then bottom, but I don't drink coffee, but love the smell. I also like the snow and reflections.


I also like the poem, since birds bring much more life then just other birds.

Thanks for the book report on Cardinals. Your last line makes sense.

---

(01-05-2014, 09:27 AM)billy Wrote:  i nive coffee cup view through the window.
nice and tight except an odd place, an enjoyable read indeed. i like the observations in the poem because it allows the reader to be a part of the poem by seeing the outside courtship.

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup, i think this line is too obvious and wonder is it needed at all?
throated and masculine;
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons a great image, i think all homes have a bouquet of cutlery in one form or another, ours is by the sink

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue,
bleached coldness; i like how blue and cold work together
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away

Certainty smiles at all of us this line feels contrived. i have no suggestion how to un contrive it though
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects

Thanks. I will revisit the "contrived" image.

This is fine work, precise and clear. Really lovely.
Some novice thoughts below, ripe for disregarding.

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup,
throated and masculine; great opening, blends in particular captures the immediacy
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons
as others have said, bouquet is perfect. I'm caught by "holds" though. holding a bouquet (of flowers) draws me to attaching a persona to the glass, and in turn a romantic connotation that I don't feel is intended, or I can't find. If I'm missing something, please ignore. But if this is intended simply as a beautifully concise image, I would give thought to that.

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue, I would lose this comma, your line break captures the two images and thoughts sufficiently, and the enjambed alliteration is amplified nicely without it.
bleached coldness;
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away

Certainty smiles at all of us.
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects

This really beautifully composed, and hasn't dimmed in at least 10 reads to this point.
Sincere thanks.