Night was a flame
now morning’s an ash,
regret blacks my fingers
and darkens my laugh.

(12-22-2013, 03:54 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Night was a flame
now morning’s an ash, - perfect
regret blacks my fingers
and darkens my laugh.

Not 100% sure you would have a wicked bad guy laugh if you had any regret. Maybe that is just me being picky, but perhaps something else could black your fingers and still give away your guilt.. . Oh, maybe guilt?

(12-22-2013, 04:27 AM)tigrflye Wrote:  

(12-22-2013, 03:54 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Night was a flame
now morning’s an ash, - perfect
regret blacks my fingers
and darkens my laugh.

Not 100% sure you would have a wicked bad guy laugh if you had any regret. Maybe that is just me being picky, but perhaps something else could black your fingers and still give away your guilt.. . Oh, maybe guilt?

Thanks for the input, I'll think it over. Sorry it took me so long to respond, my power's been out for almost a week (in Toronto) due to an ice storm and I've
also been busy travelling and seeing family.

Hi

"Good time Charlie sings the blues." Yet, we keep on keeping on. "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." Still, the mornings harsh light dose have a kick. Short but meaningful words. Been there done that. Thanks for reminding me.

Not a big fan of "regret blacks my fingers"--since it should be blackens, and that might mess up your otherwise perfect meter. Perhaps "Stains?"==not sure, but the rest is perfect.

(01-02-2014, 05:55 AM)bena Wrote:  Not a big fan of "regret blacks my fingers"--since it should be blackens, and that might mess up your otherwise perfect meter. Perhaps "Stains?"==not sure, but the rest is perfect.

True, but I want to sort of make it clear it's a reference to the "ash" above it, and keep the darker tone throughout.

this poem is short and perfect. one may say that regret isn't something that would "darken a laugh" or make some evil in that case but its all how you portray regret.

Regret is a tricky emotion and it can make very remorseful and apologetic or very cold and hard.

and "blacks" should be "blackens". The correct spelling doesn't taint the flow or meter of this poem