Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit 2
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask.
Down gated steps then on to copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier plates,
with frozen rocks for diamond teeth
cuts thin aretes that reach the peak,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
melt waters flood the valley.
Mud slips ragged as giants run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss-filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
red faces cool in deafening falls.
Our blankets spread for weary legs,
wind on wing, two brothers at play,
clamouring Rooks flee the treetops sway.
Parting clouds rake sunlight to flames,
the mountain looks down and whispers our names.
Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask.
Gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
Original
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold,
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold,
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today. Hi keith,
A pleasure to read. My kind of stuff. Smooth transit through the stanzas with easily unnoticed but circumspect imagery (the best kind)...penultimate stanza is a winner.
Last stanza L3 is in need of something...but for me, that's it.
Have a care with the comma runs...but you are proficient enough to make deliberate choices.
One of your best.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 105
Threads: 17
Joined: Nov 2013
(12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets, wish "echoes" could be one syllable
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête, might leave this comma out
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls. like the Poo sticks!
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold, might leave out "on" and leave off the comma
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today.
Lovely to read aloud, a pleasure. Really wouldn't need to change a thing. Just thoughts. Thanks.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-16-2013, 05:26 PM)tectak Wrote: (12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold,
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today. Hi keith,
A pleasure to read. My kind of stuff. Smooth transit through the stanzas with easily unnoticed but circumspect imagery (the best kind)...penultimate stanza is a winner.
Last stanza L3 is in need of something...but for me, that's it.
Have a care with the comma runs...but you are proficient enough to make deliberate choices.
One of your best.
Best,
tectak
Many thanks tectac for the pointers and comments I will have a go at the edit as not happy with last stanza. Keith
(12-16-2013, 08:41 PM)beaufort Wrote: (12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets, wish "echoes" could be one syllable
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête, might leave this comma out
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls. like the Poo sticks!
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold, might leave out "on" and leave off the comma
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today.
Lovely to read aloud, a pleasure. Really wouldn't need to change a thing. Just thoughts. Thanks.
Hi beaufort
Many thanks for your comments I have taken them into the edit. Best keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 250
Threads: 85
Joined: Dec 2013
Proofread:
Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats,[?] and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask. [boy, that lost me. As an editor, I don't know what I'd say--prolly "I like it." As a proofreader, it makes me insane  ]
Gated steps then onto copse, [this'n too. A "copse" of trees is an archaic collective already, or getting there. This usage is alien to me.]
slurry tanks and cattle troughs
Sliding signs of glacier sheets, [is sheets a verb or a noun?]
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks, [the first line that makes grammatical sense, and it's my least favorite . . .] [my guess is, you need an "and" here, but the whole thing is such a ???]
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. [I can't make any sense of this--if that's just me, then it's just me]
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh-laid eggs. [is run drumlins the verb? Again, just a vocab issue]
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
-------
Well, for sure moss filled needs a hyphen: moss-filled. Past that, this is dialectic such that I any comprehend it, although I didn't think that'd be the case on my first read through.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs -- needs end-line punctuation -- a comma should do
sauna in the morning flask.
Gated steps then onto copse, -- are the gated steps a stile? Otherwise it sounds like there's a bit of a climb involved, which is not really the idea I have in my head (although my head is often wrong). If it's just a stile, I would have "on to" (as in "onwards to" rather than "onto" (as in "up onto")
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie, -- this is gorgeous imagery
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. -- lovely pickup on the end sounds here
Mud slips ragged as mountains run -- maybe punctuate here, unless you want "mountains run drumlins" which I'm not sure makes sense
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds, -- moss-filled
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls. -- poo sticks eh? Well, that image certainly adds a bit of contrast
The wind sits down to catch a breath, -- I actually find the personification quite heavy-handed here, to the point where it might be a bit trite. I can't picture the wind with a bum. I'm good with the wind catching its breath (although some would say the wind is breath, but...)
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway -- this syntax is really odd, and what on the Beaufort scale? A 1-3 might sway those treetops, but a 9 is going to break them off
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
Some genuinely lovely images here, but it actually feels like two different poems jammed together. I'd suggest weaving the "trysting place" idea through the first part a bit more, as just now it kind of reads more like a children's family adventure. Otherwise, I'd leave it out of the second part entirely.
It could be worse
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
(12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask.
Gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
Original
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold,
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today.
I like this quite a bit. Can't say I'm down with the "poo sticks" line. For me it brings the whole thing to a screeching halt. I agree with the previous post about the wind sitting down to catch its breath. This seems amateurish compared to the rest of it. Nice work otherwise!
Posts: 250
Threads: 85
Joined: Dec 2013
A quick note and bizarre thought--this poem comes close to a blended metaphor of a hike and an office. It's a tempting read the more I think about it . . . Mac computers, "Gated" as in "Bill Gates," a reference to an apple, the sheets, teeth, and ribbons could be copiers and faxes, the poo sticks could be office toilets or bad business writing, and the last line looks like a heat-em-up microwaveable lunch.
I don't, ultimately, think that's a valid read, but it could be fun to play with . . .
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-24-2013, 03:27 PM)crow Wrote: Proofread:
Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats,[?] and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask. [boy, that lost me. As an editor, I don't know what I'd say--prolly "I like it." As a proofreader, it makes me insane ]
Gated steps then onto copse, [this'n too. A "copse" of trees is an archaic collective already, or getting there. This usage is alien to me.]
slurry tanks and cattle troughs
Sliding signs of glacier sheets, [is sheets a verb or a noun?]
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks, [the first line that makes grammatical sense, and it's my least favorite . . .] [my guess is, you need an "and" here, but the whole thing is such a ???]
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. [I can't make any sense of this--if that's just me, then it's just me]
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh-laid eggs. [is run drumlins the verb? Again, just a vocab issue]
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
-------
Well, for sure moss filled needs a hyphen: moss-filled. Past that, this is dialectic such that I any comprehend it, although I didn't think that'd be the case on my first read through.
Many thanks Crow for your pointers and comments I will review and take to the edit. Best Keith
(12-26-2013, 06:21 AM)Leanne Wrote: (12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs -- needs end-line punctuation -- a comma should do
sauna in the morning flask.
Gated steps then onto copse, -- are the gated steps a stile? Otherwise it sounds like there's a bit of a climb involved, which is not really the idea I have in my head (although my head is often wrong). If it's just a stile, I would have "on to" (as in "onwards to" rather than "onto" (as in "up onto")
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie, -- this is gorgeous imagery
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. -- lovely pickup on the end sounds here
Mud slips ragged as mountains run -- maybe punctuate here, unless you want "mountains run drumlins" which I'm not sure makes sense
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds, -- moss-filled
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls. -- poo sticks eh? Well, that image certainly adds a bit of contrast
The wind sits down to catch a breath, -- I actually find the personification quite heavy-handed here, to the point where it might be a bit trite. I can't picture the wind with a bum. I'm good with the wind catching its breath (although some would say the wind is breath, but...)
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway -- this syntax is really odd, and what on the Beaufort scale? A 1-3 might sway those treetops, but a 9 is going to break them off
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
Some genuinely lovely images here, but it actually feels like two different poems jammed together. I'd suggest weaving the "trysting place" idea through the first part a bit more, as just now it kind of reads more like a children's family adventure. Otherwise, I'd leave it out of the second part entirely.
Hi Leanne
Thank you for all the pointers I agree with your comments I will drop Poo sticks and trysting then move on, all into the edit. Best Keith
(12-27-2013, 11:42 AM)ChessPiece Wrote: (12-16-2013, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask.
Gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding signs of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs.
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
Original
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats and rain-proof macs,
sauna in the morning flask,
gated steps then onto copse,
slurry tanks and cattle troughs.
Sliding echoes of glacier sheets,
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks,
an apple bite arête,
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries.
Mud slips ragged as mountains run,
drumlins smooth as fresh laid eggs,
moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cakes and lake unfolded foil,
chocolate browns burnt carrot on gold,
draped in heather's lilac skirt.
Autumn asks the treetops sway
if wing and leaf can play today.
I like this quite a bit. Can't say I'm down with the "poo sticks" line. For me it brings the whole thing to a screeching halt. I agree with the previous post about the wind sitting down to catch its breath. This seems amateurish compared to the rest of it. Nice work otherwise!
Thanks ChessPiece Poo and wind seem to be giving me trouble so they will go in the edit. Thanks Keith
(12-28-2013, 03:00 PM)crow Wrote: A quick note and bizarre thought--this poem comes close to a blended metaphor of a hike and an office. It's a tempting read the more I think about it . . . Mac computers, "Gated" as in "Bill Gates," a reference to an apple, the sheets, teeth, and ribbons could be copiers and faxes, the poo sticks could be office toilets or bad business writing, and the last line looks like a heat-em-up microwaveable lunch.
I don't, ultimately, think that's a valid read, but it could be fun to play with . . .
Ha Ha that's not exactly what I was going for but I can see what you mean. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
|
