It was on W. 54th, a fragment
of a coffee shop; couple of stools,
no intimacy at all, a cold rain chill,
an empty space ‘neath the canopy;
he didn’t even see her slip in
next to him, he was waiting
for the rain to ease as simply
as waiting for a piece of cherry
pie after a light dinner

She had tiny brown eyes,
bubbles at the corners of her mouth;
I must make amends, he thought
for even saying hello to her,
but there wasn’t anyone around
to forgive him so he did; there,
he had spoken, and she looked
younger than he had thought
when she looked back with eyes
somewhere between sixteen
and nineteen but probably closer
to fifteen; it was shadowy
and dark under the canopy,
and he knew why she was there,
so what difference did it make?

She looked hungry and he was
hungry but they were different
hungers; his focus was on her
throat, long and creamy, her
left hand scratching behind her
ear, no earring, just her throat
down her neck to her thin
shoulders; she mentioned
she was free-for-anything;
her throat went down her neck
to her thin shoulders, but he
couldn’t quite make out who
she really was, and her throat
went down her neck to those
shoulders and a wild grown-up
would have carried her hunger
to a room and done terrible things
to her but not enough people
here would have understood

He hears her say something
after stepping out into the rain,
but what difference did it make?
In this kind of weather anyone
is capable of remaining a virgin

(12-08-2013, 12:42 PM)71degrees Wrote:  It was on W. 54th, a fragment I like this line, the cool designation of the street sets the mood of the poem. Also I think the enjambment is effective.
of a coffee shop; couple of stools,
no intimacy at all, a cold rain chill,"No intimacy at all" feels a bit weak. Better show this by describing the scene some more than to just state it.
an empty space ‘neath the canopy;"Canopy" feels strangely old-fashioned. Intentional?
he didn’t even see her slip in
next to him, he was waiting
for the rain to ease as simply
as waiting for a piece of cherry
pie after a light dinnerThese last five lines feel a bit off syntatically; I'm not a native speaker myself though, so I find it difficult to pinpoint the problem. I like the last image though.

She had tiny brown eyes,
bubbles at the corners of her mouth;
I must make amends, he thought
for even saying hello to her, These two lines made me smile.
but there wasn’t anyone around
to forgive him so he did; there, Also a good image but syntax feels a bit off with "so he did".
he had spoken, and she looked
younger than he had thought This line and the preceding one seem a bit redundant. Could be cut I think.
when she looked back with eyes
somewhere between sixteen
and nineteen but probably closer
to fifteen; it was shadowyThe lines till "fifteen" I thought were excellent, the three lines that follow feel a bit vague and unnecessary though.
and dark under the canopy,
and he knew why she was there,
so what difference did it make?

To me, the next part feels weaker and less finetuned than the preceding parts.
She looked hungry and he was
hungry but they were different
hungers; I like the thought, but I feel it's stated a bit too squarely. his focus was on her
throat, long and creamy, her
left hand scratching behind her
ear, no earring, just her throat
down her neck to her thin
shoulders; she mentioned
she was free-for-anything;
her throat went down her neck
to her thin shoulders, but he
couldn’t quite make out who
she really was, and her throat
went down her neck to thoseThe preceding five lines ramble a bit and for me don't add a whole lot to the poem.
shoulders and a wild grown-up
would have carried her hunger
to a room and done terrible things
to her but not enough people
here would have understood "Not enough people here would have understood" feels vague, while "and done terrible things" feels overly blunt.

He hears her say something
after stepping out into the rain,
but what difference did it make?These three lines don't do much for me.
In this kind of weather anyone
is capable of remaining a virginI like the thought of these last two lines though.

Hope this is of any use to you!
All best,
Jan

(12-08-2013, 12:42 PM)71degrees Wrote:  It was on W. 54th, a fragment
of a coffee shop; couple of stools,
no intimacy at all overly blunt and colloquial, a cold rain chill,
an empty space ‘neath the canopy;
he didn’t even see her slip in
next to him, he was waiting
for the rain to ease as simply
as waiting "one waits," maybe for a piece of cherry
pie after a light dinner [period]

She had tiny brown eyes,
bubbles at the corners of her mouth;
I must make amends, he thought [comma]
for even saying hello to her,
but there wasn’t anyone around
to forgive him so he did clarify: what did he do? say hello to her? make amends?; there,
he had spoken, and she looked
younger than he had thought "she was younger than she had seemed" works better, I think. It avoids the echo of "looked"
when she looked back with eyes
somewhere between sixteen
and nineteen but probably closer
to fifteen this is unnecessary, I think. try "older than her age"; it was shadowy
and dark under the canopy,
and he knew why she was there,
so what difference did it make?

She looked there's "looked" again hungry and he was
hungry but they were different
hungers; his focus was on her
throat, long and creamy, her
left hand scratching behind her
ear, no earring, just her throat
down her neck to her thin
shoulders; she mentioned
she was free-for-anything;
her throat went down her neck
to her thin shoulders, but he
couldn’t quite make out who
she really was, and her throat
went down her neck to those
shoulders and a wild grown-up
would have carried her hunger omit hunger, it's weird
to a room and done terrible things
to her but not enough people
here would have understood like the above commenter said, "done terrible things" is blunt and cliché, and the following lines are just too ambiguous

He hears her say something
after stepping out into the rain,
but what difference did it make?
In this kind of weather anyone
is capable of remaining a virgin [period]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by the last two lines; care to explain? Anyway, I like the feel of the poem, it reminds me of noir or something The scene was black and white in my head. I also enjoyed the repetition of throat--it works to show the reader "where the subject's head is at"; he's utterly obsessed, fixated; you made that point well.

All in all, it's a bit rough around the edges, but there's a clear voice and with some editing it could be great.

(12-08-2013, 06:45 PM)jdvanwijk Wrote:  

(12-08-2013, 12:42 PM)71degrees Wrote:  It was on W. 54th, a fragment I like this line, the cool designation of the street sets the mood of the poem. Also I think the enjambment is effective.
of a coffee shop; couple of stools,
no intimacy at all, a cold rain chill,"No intimacy at all" feels a bit weak. Better show this by describing the scene some more than to just state it.
an empty space ‘neath the canopy;"Canopy" feels strangely old-fashioned. Intentional?
he didn’t even see her slip in
next to him, he was waiting
for the rain to ease as simply
as waiting for a piece of cherry
pie after a light dinnerThese last five lines feel a bit off syntatically; I'm not a native speaker myself though, so I find it difficult to pinpoint the problem. I like the last image though.

She had tiny brown eyes,
bubbles at the corners of her mouth;
I must make amends, he thought
for even saying hello to her, These two lines made me smile.
but there wasn’t anyone around
to forgive him so he did; there, Also a good image but syntax feels a bit off with "so he did".
he had spoken, and she looked
younger than he had thought This line and the preceding one seem a bit redundant. Could be cut I think.
when she looked back with eyes
somewhere between sixteen
and nineteen but probably closer
to fifteen; it was shadowyThe lines till "fifteen" I thought were excellent, the three lines that follow feel a bit vague and unnecessary though.
and dark under the canopy,
and he knew why she was there,
so what difference did it make?

To me, the next part feels weaker and less finetuned than the preceding parts.
She looked hungry and he was
hungry but they were different
hungers; I like the thought, but I feel it's stated a bit too squarely. his focus was on her
throat, long and creamy, her
left hand scratching behind her
ear, no earring, just her throat
down her neck to her thin
shoulders; she mentioned
she was free-for-anything;
her throat went down her neck
to her thin shoulders, but he
couldn’t quite make out who
she really was, and her throat
went down her neck to thoseThe preceding five lines ramble a bit and for me don't add a whole lot to the poem.
shoulders and a wild grown-up
would have carried her hunger
to a room and done terrible things
to her but not enough people
here would have understood "Not enough people here would have understood" feels vague, while "and done terrible things" feels overly blunt.

He hears her say something
after stepping out into the rain,
but what difference did it make?These three lines don't do much for me.
In this kind of weather anyone
is capable of remaining a virginI like the thought of these last two lines though.

Hope this is of any use to you!
All best,
Jan

Thanks. Appreciate it muchly.

---

(12-09-2013, 10:50 AM)HalfOpenArms Wrote:  

(12-08-2013, 12:42 PM)71degrees Wrote:  It was on W. 54th, a fragment
of a coffee shop; couple of stools,
no intimacy at all overly blunt and colloquial, a cold rain chill,
an empty space ‘neath the canopy;
he didn’t even see her slip in
next to him, he was waiting
for the rain to ease as simply
as waiting "one waits," maybe for a piece of cherry
pie after a light dinner [period]

She had tiny brown eyes,
bubbles at the corners of her mouth;
I must make amends, he thought [comma]
for even saying hello to her,
but there wasn’t anyone around
to forgive him so he did clarify: what did he do? say hello to her? make amends?; there,
he had spoken, and she looked
younger than he had thought "she was younger than she had seemed" works better, I think. It avoids the echo of "looked"
when she looked back with eyes
somewhere between sixteen
and nineteen but probably closer
to fifteen this is unnecessary, I think. try "older than her age"; it was shadowy
and dark under the canopy,
and he knew why she was there,
so what difference did it make?

She looked there's "looked" again hungry and he was
hungry but they were different
hungers; his focus was on her
throat, long and creamy, her
left hand scratching behind her
ear, no earring, just her throat
down her neck to her thin
shoulders; she mentioned
she was free-for-anything;
her throat went down her neck
to her thin shoulders, but he
couldn’t quite make out who
she really was, and her throat
went down her neck to those
shoulders and a wild grown-up
would have carried her hunger omit hunger, it's weird
to a room and done terrible things
to her but not enough people
here would have understood like the above commenter said, "done terrible things" is blunt and cliché, and the following lines are just too ambiguous

He hears her say something
after stepping out into the rain,
but what difference did it make?
In this kind of weather anyone
is capable of remaining a virgin [period]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by the last two lines; care to explain? Anyway, I like the feel of the poem, it reminds me of noir or something The scene was black and white in my head. I also enjoyed the repetition of throat--it works to show the reader "where the subject's head is at"; he's utterly obsessed, fixated; you made that point well.

All in all, it's a bit rough around the edges, but there's a clear voice and with some editing it could be great.

Glad you like the "feel" of the poem. Black-and-white is exactly what I want. Thank you. Last two lines? More about the guy, don't you think? Anyone can be a virgin of a given situation. I agree it needs editing. Thanks.