RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort, gilmored

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags anew!

Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new coming life.

original

tectak Wrote:
Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache
which winter skies bring autumned eyes.

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

tectak Drumlanrig 2013

RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! (Is the exclamation point necessary?)
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again! (seems like this one is the most important Tek but my real question is how can you put more tension on the UP Up This is something that vexes me grammatically because in my mind those two words seem to have the most weight on them. The image of someone struggling to raise the flag that you speak of. Up! Up! Not sure what the answer is but i'm sure you will know.)

Don't gaze up to the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall, (amazing line)
the nearer to new coming life. (nearer is a clunky word to me sorry. Especially when you have that awesome line above it. I think you can do better? God i can't believe i just said that, but overall I admire your work here.
Chazz

(12-02-2013, 11:19 PM)Charlesjoseph Wrote:  RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! (Is the exclamation point necessary?)
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again! (seems like this one is the most important Tek but my real question is how can you put more tension on the UP Up This is something that vexes me grammatically because in my mind those two words seem to have the most weight on them. The image of someone struggling to raise the flag that you speak of. Up! Up! Not sure what the answer is but i'm sure you will know.)

Don't gaze up to the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall, (amazing line)
the nearer to new coming life. (nearer is a clunky word to me sorry. Especially when you have that awesome line above it. I think you can do better? God i can't believe i just said that, but overall I admire your work here.
Chazz

Thanks chazz,
The Up! Up! is the forcing of the fuse, the new shoot, the flags are flowers....god, I must have made a mess of that!
You are right about nearer. I haven't made the point well enough. Don't look up as you get old and sightless...look down to ground, it is nearer and that is where it is all happening!
Best,
tectak

Proofread:
Beneath the Shadow-Fall

Look, lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground,
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth,
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!

Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new-coming life.

---

Suggestions to tighten and brighten:

Beneath the Shadow-Fall

Look, lest [blinded] you die
before the leaf [spins] gold to ground,
[and elixered] breath
--"when" is redundant with "before"
[makes] old new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--pointillistic means "made of points" and "rug" means made of strands. That's a nice dynamic, but I confess to not being able to derive an image from it.
deep-piled[,] dank on sleeping earth,
--good follow-through on the rug idea. Does it go away? Change "sleeping" to brighten.
the seeds [creep], [milling]
ten[-]thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
--aren't the tendrils the threads?
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
--perhaps sight is the only sense plants have . . . And, earlier, we're told that blindness is a bad thing. There's an opportunity here!
blush [joyful] verdant hue[s]!

From out of locked life-sentence[s], freed.
--hmmm . . . A prisoner idea may be less-good than continuing the imagery already present: sleep, spinning thread, blindness and sight. Perhaps "From out of pale and sightless . . ."
Up, up[,] [raising] flags again!


Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
--this looses me. I've read it five or six times . . . Perhaps "Unfix your gaze from crimson crowns,
the strange chill . . ."
blue never can describe the sky
--again, I have a hard time accepting that blue can't describe the sky. The color and the thing are too closely associated in my mind. The thought is that blue misses the point of the aching feeling? Perhaps, "blue only half-describes . . ."?
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--isn't there a word that would mean "brings such ache to"? Perhaps pains or aches or wounds or batters?

[Our] tears [beg] time
that misting distance brings to sight;
--I want the rug metaphor to persist. Try, "that looms distant, warping into sight"?
best look beneath th[is] shadow-fall,
[be] nearer to [the surging] life.
--again, "new-coming" could be another application of sight, sleeping, or weaving.

Overall, I think if the shadow-fall were a quilt or another bed-thing, the three images--sleeping, weaving, seeing--might find a good unity.
[/b]

(12-09-2013, 08:47 AM)crow Wrote:  Proofread:
Beneath the Shadow-Fall

Look, lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground,
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth,
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!

Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new-coming life.

---

Suggestions to tighten and brighten:

Beneath the Shadow-Fall

Look, lest [blinded] you die
before the leaf [spins] gold to ground,
[and elixered] breath
--"when" is redundant with "before"
[makes] old new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--pointillistic means "made of points" and "rug" means made of strands. That's a nice dynamic, but I confess to not being able to derive an image from it.
deep-piled[,] dank on sleeping earth,
--good follow-through on the rug idea. Does it go away? Change "sleeping" to brighten.
the seeds [creep], [milling]
ten[-]thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
--aren't the tendrils the threads?
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
--perhaps sight is the only sense plants have . . . And, earlier, we're told that blindness is a bad thing. There's an opportunity here!
blush [joyful] verdant hue[s]!

From out of locked life-sentence[s], freed.
--hmmm . . . A prisoner idea may be less-good than continuing the imagery already present: sleep, spinning thread, blindness and sight. Perhaps "From out of pale and sightless . . ."
Up, up[,] [raising] flags again!


Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
--this looses me. I've read it five or six times . . . Perhaps "Unfix your gaze from crimson crowns,
the strange chill . . ."
blue never can describe the sky
--again, I have a hard time accepting that blue can't describe the sky. The color and the thing are too closely associated in my mind. The thought is that blue misses the point of the aching feeling? Perhaps, "blue only half-describes . . ."?
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--isn't there a word that would mean "brings such ache to"? Perhaps pains or aches or wounds or batters?

[Our] tears [beg] time
that misting distance brings to sight;
--I want the rug metaphor to persist. Try, "that looms distant, warping into sight"?
best look beneath th[is] shadow-fall,
[be] nearer to [the surging] life.
--again, "new-coming" could be another application of sight, sleeping, or weaving.

Overall, I think if the shadow-fall were a quilt or another bed-thing, the three images--sleeping, weaving, seeing--might find a good unity.
[/b]

Many thanks for the detailed commentry...your efforts will not be wasted. I note your requirement for complexity...those who know me know that I do not do obscure,deep or complex. The individual metaphors are but skin deep. Pointillism? Look at a leaf-littered forest track...multi-hued scraps of colour. What else but a pointillist's canvas? The rug? A carpet of leaves. Simple.
As for the rest, you make good points. I eat everything.
Best,
tectak.
PS The scottish version may be considered an edit.

(12-02-2013, 05:17 AM)tectak Wrote:  RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
--Look at what? Is something going to spit in my eyes and kill me? I don't get this line.
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
-- Nice, I assume your talking about a leaf after it's died, but I think you can be more descriptive than "falls".
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
-- I don't get these lines at all, except the procreation part. Did something go wrong during a birth, and the mother choke on her own blood?
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--I had to look pointillistic up. Not a bonus.
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
--Is this talking about bodies, compost, or what is "deep-piled". Also I think piled deep would sound better, it gives this line a sort of alliteration effect.
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
-- I like these two lines, but creeping and seeds don't go together for me. I like the seeking part though. I can picture the seed spreading out.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
-- The only thing I can suggest for these lines is ending with "anew". "again" is so plain.
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;-- What does looking into the sun have to do with cold air?
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--Autumned isn't a word, and blue skies in autumn sounds good to me!
We cry our tears to beg for time
--OK I like this line. I can feel the sorrow of someone close to death.
that misting distance brings to sight;
--Shouldn't it be misty? Or was this one of those intentional mistakes to make the reader think?
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new coming life.
-- I don't get these last two lines at all. Someone isn't born just because someone else dies.

I am not trying to be cute by criticizing one of your poem. Rather I was trying to see what a poem from an admin looked like, as I assume you guys, and girls, know what you're doing. I have read this over, thinking about it for over an hour now. These are just my thoughts as an average reader. I do hope I said at least one useful thing.

(12-11-2013, 12:18 PM)gilmored Wrote:  

(12-02-2013, 05:17 AM)tectak Wrote:  RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
--Look at what? Is something going to spit in my eyes and kill me? I don't get this line.
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
-- Nice, I assume your talking about a leaf after it's died, but I think you can be more descriptive than "falls".
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
-- I don't get these lines at all, except the procreation part. Did something go wrong during a birth, and the mother choke on her own blood?
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--I had to look pointillistic up. Not a bonus.
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
--Is this talking about bodies, compost, or what is "deep-piled". Also I think piled deep would sound better, it gives this line a sort of alliteration effect.
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
-- I like these two lines, but creeping and seeds don't go together for me. I like the seeking part though. I can picture the seed spreading out.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
-- The only thing I can suggest for these lines is ending with "anew". "again" is so plain.
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;-- What does looking into the sun have to do with cold air?
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--Autumned isn't a word, and blue skies in autumn sounds good to me!
We cry our tears to beg for time
--OK I like this line. I can feel the sorrow of someone close to death.
that misting distance brings to sight;
--Shouldn't it be misty? Or was this one of those intentional mistakes to make the reader think?
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new coming life.
-- I don't get these last two lines at all. Someone isn't born just because someone else dies.

I am not trying to be cute by criticizing one of your poem. Rather I was trying to see what a poem from an admin looked like, as I assume you guys, and girls, know what you're doing. I have read this over, thinking about it for over an hour now. These are just my thoughts as an average reader. I do hope I said at least one useful thing.

Hi gil,
You said many useful things in your crit but then lost some credibility by your expressed motive. The poetic ink blots of "admin" are not to be revered due to their assumed lofty source but like all work posted here...on their merit.
The mods on the site are of the same bloodstock as every other contributor!
To your crit. Those who know me know that I do not do complex or obscure. Over analysis of anyone's work will produce crit of similar content to yours. That is not to devalue it but to categorise it.
I am glad of your comments and pleased to see such in-depth crit. I very much like "anew". Credited. "Autumned", the poetically licensed conversion of a noun to an adjective, though an exceedingly common occurence, MUST be justified. In this case, the use if the descriptor is apposite...because this is an autumn poem and the etymology of autumn includes a strong reference to "drying up", which is one of the problems of old eyes!

autumn (n.)
late 14c., autumpne (modern form from 16c.), from Old French autumpne, automne (13c.), from Latin autumnus (also auctumnus, perhaps influenced by auctus "increase"), of unknown origin. Perhaps from Etruscan, but Tucker suggests a meaning "drying-up season" and a root in *auq- (which would suggest the form in -c- was the original) and compares archaic English sere-month "August."

I make no excuses for what enigmas you found in the piece but would confirm, from my lowly but aspirational perch, that I only rarely post a poem which has not spent many hours beneath my own critical gaze...however, I eat everything thrown to me. Thank you.
Best,
tectak

(12-11-2013, 05:45 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-11-2013, 12:18 PM)gilmored Wrote:  

(12-02-2013, 05:17 AM)tectak Wrote:  RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
--Look at what? Is something going to spit in my eyes and kill me? I don't get this line.
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
-- Nice, I assume your talking about a leaf after it's died, but I think you can be more descriptive than "falls".
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
-- I don't get these lines at all, except the procreation part. Did something go wrong during a birth, and the mother choke on her own blood?
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--I had to look pointillistic up. Not a bonus.
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
--Is this talking about bodies, compost, or what is "deep-piled". Also I think piled deep would sound better, it gives this line a sort of alliteration effect.
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
-- I like these two lines, but creeping and seeds don't go together for me. I like the seeking part though. I can picture the seed spreading out.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
-- The only thing I can suggest for these lines is ending with "anew". "again" is so plain.
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;-- What does looking into the sun have to do with cold air?
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--Autumned isn't a word, and blue skies in autumn sounds good to me!
We cry our tears to beg for time
--OK I like this line. I can feel the sorrow of someone close to death.
that misting distance brings to sight;
--Shouldn't it be misty? Or was this one of those intentional mistakes to make the reader think?
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new coming life.
-- I don't get these last two lines at all. Someone isn't born just because someone else dies.

I am not trying to be cute by criticizing one of your poem. Rather I was trying to see what a poem from an admin looked like, as I assume you guys, and girls, know what you're doing. I have read this over, thinking about it for over an hour now. These are just my thoughts as an average reader. I do hope I said at least one useful thing.

Hi gil,
You said many useful things in your crit but then lost some credibility by your expressed motive. The poetic ink blots of "admin" are not to be revered due to their assumed lofty source but like all work posted here...on their merit.
The mods on the site are of the same bloodstock as every other contributor!
To your crit. Those who know me know that I do not do complex or obscure. Over analysis of anyone's work will produce crit of similar content to yours. That is not to devalue it but to categorise it.
I am glad of your comments and pleased to see such in-depth crit. I very much like "anew". Credited. "Autumned", the poetically licensed conversion of a noun to an adjective, though an exceedingly common occurence, MUST be justified. In this case, the use if the descriptor is apposite...because this is an autumn poem and the etymology of autumn includes a strong reference to "drying up", which is one of the problems of old eyes!

autumn (n.)
late 14c., autumpne (modern form from 16c.), from Old French autumpne, automne (13c.), from Latin autumnus (also auctumnus, perhaps influenced by auctus "increase"), of unknown origin. Perhaps from Etruscan, but Tucker suggests a meaning "drying-up season" and a root in *auq- (which would suggest the form in -c- was the original) and compares archaic English sere-month "August."

I make no excuses for what enigmas you found in the piece but would confirm, from my lowly but aspirational perch, that I only rarely post a poem which has not spent many hours beneath my own critical gaze...however, I eat everything thrown to me. Thank you.
Best,
tectak

You're most welcome for the crit. As for the "autumned" part, I was being a little bit of a smartass, I wouldn't of known it wasn't a word if it wasn't for spell-check. I write poetry/comments to reflect me: honest, simple, and more than a little quirky. I look forward to becoming a more active part of this forum, my sea legs are growing steady.

(12-12-2013, 12:28 AM)gilmored Wrote:  

(12-11-2013, 05:45 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-11-2013, 12:18 PM)gilmored Wrote:  I am not trying to be cute by criticizing one of your poem. Rather I was trying to see what a poem from an admin looked like, as I assume you guys, and girls, know what you're doing. I have read this over, thinking about it for over an hour now. These are just my thoughts as an average reader. I do hope I said at least one useful thing.

Hi gil,
You said many useful things in your crit but then lost some credibility by your expressed motive. The poetic ink blots of "admin" are not to be revered due to their assumed lofty source but like all work posted here...on their merit.
The mods on the site are of the same bloodstock as every other contributor!
To your crit. Those who know me know that I do not do complex or obscure. Over analysis of anyone's work will produce crit of similar content to yours. That is not to devalue it but to categorise it.
I am glad of your comments and pleased to see such in-depth crit. I very much like "anew". Credited. "Autumned", the poetically licensed conversion of a noun to an adjective, though an exceedingly common occurence, MUST be justified. In this case, the use if the descriptor is apposite...because this is an autumn poem and the etymology of autumn includes a strong reference to "drying up", which is one of the problems of old eyes!

autumn (n.)
late 14c., autumpne (modern form from 16c.), from Old French autumpne, automne (13c.), from Latin autumnus (also auctumnus, perhaps influenced by auctus "increase"), of unknown origin. Perhaps from Etruscan, but Tucker suggests a meaning "drying-up season" and a root in *auq- (which would suggest the form in -c- was the original) and compares archaic English sere-month "August."

I make no excuses for what enigmas you found in the piece but would confirm, from my lowly but aspirational perch, that I only rarely post a poem which has not spent many hours beneath my own critical gaze...however, I eat everything thrown to me. Thank you.
Best,
tectak

Good egg,
I look forward to your considered input.
Best,
tectak

You're most welcome for the crit. As for the "autumned" part, I was being a little bit of a smartass, I wouldn't of known it wasn't a word if it wasn't for spell-check. I write poetry/comments to reflect me: honest, simple, and more than a little quirky. I look forward to becoming a more active part of this forum, my sea legs are growing steady.