This is a rework of a poem I posted here a while ago

I have the poem saved as an image because the format is kinda goofy but im having trouble embedding it. Here is a link though http://i.imgur.com/WPxIKwL.png
and i'll type it out here also but i'd rather have the image critiqued. Ediiited now I think I dont like the image, not sure so critique wich ever I guess, if either > . < Thnx for reading ^^

Dirt drowned fur touching
the edge
of a dry creek
bed

sounds like the hiss
between
warbling notes on a tired cassette tape
I found in my parents'
attic.

The bones were scattered —
white sprites dancing with earth
to the spinning black
entrails inside a plastic
carcass.

Each revolution whittles
the song away, giving more
empty

The thought is too much.
I retreat
to the refuge of my i-
pod and inscribe the shadow
of a ghost into a sheet of
paper.

I don't know about the shape. The poem might work out better without it, as it has some nice ideas and images.

Is it one parent, or do you mean parents'? Do you mean whittles with an h? Is it giving more empty, or did you mean something else?

(11-29-2013, 05:21 AM)rowens Wrote:  I don't know about the shape. The poem might work out better without it, as it has some nice ideas and images.

Is it one parent, or do you mean parents'? Do you mean whittles with an h? Is it giving more empty, or did you mean something else?

Thnx for the feedback, I had fun playing with the form, but in hindsight you may be right. It feels a bit unnecessary to me.

Yeah I meant parents' and whittles with an H. With the "giving more empty" I was trying to kind of perform the action being described in that stanza by making that sentence fragmented a bit. The stanza as a whole I really have problems with but still trying to work something out. I've updated the original post with the small grammar edits. I am working on a more complete edit. Thnnx again ^^

I agree, and different form could help. Also, take a little more risk, especially with word choice.
Keep Writing!

I think personally I would go with "emptiness"--empty just makes you sound like you don't know what you are doing. You could emphasize it more by separating it with white space before and after. I'm one who loves to play with form (so I hate that it's impossible here) and I do like some of your choices....unfortunately when the words are tight they are almost impossible to read.

I also might rethink
the thought is too much....

show us why this is so overwhelming, go into detail. I find this refreshing except for those minor points.

Great job.

Hello,

Interesting affect but I don't know what to think.

The decaying deer is descriptively enmeshed with the sound and form of a decaying tape cassette that is listened to (?).

I had to think of flies to link the image to the sound, but they buzz and do not hiss or warble.

The transition is a bit sharp from image to sound. Are we hearing the natural sounds that accompany this deer remnant, or does the image convey death and connect to the tape buried and disfigured by time.

Or it is a combination of two unrelated perceptual experiences (a deer you see and music you hear).

You are listening to music as you look at the remains of a deer(?)