people will make you doubt that you’ve ever loved,
they do not want to admit that they
were stupid enough to fall for someone who
could crush them with 5 words.

I’ve been in love
yeah I’ve been
so, into a
love
that I lost it all, in grayed caves
I doubted reality
and became messy patchwork,
a half-truth, a blackened will.

I like the first stanza of this. The way it sounds. And I even like the twisty second stanza. I like the first stanza better though; and the last half of the second.

Thank you for commenting, and liking it to boot. I suppose I was supposed to give feedback elsewhere first. My bad.

(11-08-2013, 10:26 AM)newsclippings Wrote:  Thank you for commenting, and liking it to boot. I suppose I was supposed to give feedback elsewhere first. My bad.

you have 611 posts under your skirt, many of which are feedback elsewhere, don't sweat it.
the poem;
it's short so make every word count, the two that's in the 1st two lines don't add anything at all.
the 2nd line also feels a little wordy
suggestion would be [they will not admit...] as it reads the feeling is they do admit but they don't want to.

the 2nd stanza is the best for me as it has more imagery

people will make you doubt that you’ve ever loved,
they do not want to admit that they
were stupid enough to fall for someone who
could crush them with 5 words.

I’ve been in love
yeah I’ve been
so, into a
love
that I lost it all, in grayed caves
I doubted reality
and became messy patchwork,
a half-truth, a blackened will.

I think this is one of the best poems i've seen on here so far. But, I've only been on here for a few days so.... (sorry, i'm a giver and a taker it's the gemini in me.)

The soul of the poem is defiantly there. the words click. Not sure about the last line but maybe i'm just to ignorant to understand it. Maybe end it on... and became messy patchwork... seems a stronger ending. But, this is your work and I'm sure you'll write what's best for you.....
Cheers,
Chazz

Charles, if you think this is good, stroll over to milo's or leanne's work.
In any event, thank you for your suggestion. It is a smart one. And the last line makes just as much sense as any other line. Don't think about it too much.

(11-08-2013, 07:02 AM)newsclippings Wrote:  people will make you doubt that you’ve ever loved,
they do not want to admit that they
were stupid enough to fall for someone who
could crush them with 5 words.

I’ve been in love
yeah I’ve been
so, into a
love
that I lost it all, in grayed caves
I doubted reality
and became messy patchwork,
a half-truth, a blackened will.

I always love your work.

it's balanced. and real. and somehow inevitably true.

this is basically perfect. one tiny suggestion:

and became a messy patchwork,
of half-truths, and blackened will.

one way or another, I'm a fan.

Thanks jc. Your comments make me blush and help my ego ejaculate.

This: "I lost it all, in grayed caves" is a stunning line, IMO.
That line is like a thick vein carrying the rest. I get the
real feeling of being stuck in the grey penumbra and not being
able to see which side the black is coming from.
I keep reading this without those last two lines, feels like
those two are just hanging off the bottom by a hair-
waiting to be trimmed.