final version

After the games,
he became symbolic
of their withered glory;
she grew into the epitome
of their lost physique.

Tonight, he slinks to the cellar
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her bedroom
to vault mattresses.

-------------------------------------
expanded Ella/Todd/Viktor edit 2

After the games,
she left her small country
to marry him;
he carried her home
draped in medals.

In time,
he took to poor investing
and fine Scotch whisky;
she to raising children
and rich French pastry.

He became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She grew into the epitome
of their lost physique.

Tonight, he slinks to the cellar
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.


-and- Thank you poets!


Ella/Todd edit 2

After the games,
he became symbolic
of their withered glory;
she grew into the epitome
of their lost physique.

Tonight, he slinks to the cellar
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.


------------------------

expanded edit 1

After the games,
she left her small country
to marry him;
he carried her home
draped in medals.

In time, he took to insurance
and fine Scotch whisky;
she to raising children
and rich French pastry.

He became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She grew into the epitome
of their lost physique.

Tonight, he slinks to the cellar
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

-or-


Ella edit 1

After the games,
he became symbolic
of their withered glory;
she grew into the epitome
of their lost physique.

Tonight, he slinks to the cellar
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her bedroom
to vault mattresses.

Ella edit 1 Thank you
------------------------------

After the games
he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

(11-05-2013, 11:49 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

Hi, Chris. first impression: I don't know if you have a reason for the mixed tenses, but I'd be more comfortable with just two.

He slinks away
to pommel his horse;
she escapes to her room
to vault mattresses.

I found the first four lines so eloquent; the last four, clever as they are, felt rough below them.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed the read.

Oops, also capitalize the first "he".

(11-06-2013, 12:54 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:   'he' is not capped because the title is part of the poem: After the games he became... I appreciate your time and the critique, my girlfriend-in-pen!/Chris

Ahhh, pardon, I'm titled challenged, I'll get there.

(11-06-2013, 12:27 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(11-05-2013, 11:49 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

Hi, Chris. first impression: I don't know if you have a reason for the mixed tenses, but I'd be more comfortable with just two.

He slinks away
to pommel his horse;
she escapes to her room
to vault mattresses.

I found the first four lines so eloquent; the last four, clever as they are, felt rough below them.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed the read.

Oops, also capitalize the first "he".

Thanks so much Ella! The tense of the first stanza represents what has happened to them years after the Olympics. The second stanza represents their current status. Nonetheless, I will look at those tenses again. Agreed, on the change of tone between stanzas. The difference is to strike a cord, but I'll take another look. 'he' is not capped because the title is part of the poem: After the games he became... I appreciate your time and the critique, my girlfriend-in-pen!/Chris

Edit 1 (short version) and edit 2 (expanded version) are posted.

I'm torn between the two version.

The long version adds context, and it shows the characters' fall, which makes the last stanza more beautiful.
The short version is so succinct and simple.

I would say go with the long version. I don't really like the word 'insurance' though, something like 'investing' might be more appropriate. And go back to 'grew into the epitome'. I like the idea of growing into a decayed physique.

I love the wordplay of vaulting mattresses, and raising children and pastry.

Great job!

Hi Chris,

I think I prefer the shorter version:

After the games
he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome--fairly tight as it is, I might look to kill the was.
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

No major issues. I like the way you sum up the relationship. I like the title, and I like the double entendres of the gymnastics.

It's a good piece.

Best,

Todd

(11-06-2013, 06:10 AM)Viktor Vaughn Wrote:  I'm torn between the two version.

The long version adds context, and it shows the characters' fall, which makes the last stanza more beautiful.
The short version is so succinct and simple.

I would say go with the long version. I don't really like the word 'insurance' though, something like 'investing' might be more appropriate. And go back to 'grew into the epitome'. I like the idea of growing into a decayed physique.

I love the wordplay of vaulting mattresses, and raising children and pastry.

Great job!

Thank you very much Viktor! I really appreciate your time and opinion. I shall take a look at that change in vocation. I will probably play with both versions. However, I agree that the longer vesrion may set the reader up better. Cheers and welcome to the site. I just read you poem and enjoyed it a great deal. My suggestions are just that./Chris

---

(11-06-2013, 06:17 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Chris,

I think I prefer the shorter version:

After the games
he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome--fairly tight as it is, I might look to kill the was.
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

No major issues. I like the way you sum up the relationship. I like the title, and I like the double entendres of the gymnastics.

It's a good piece.

Best,

Todd

Much obliged Todd! I actually had that second 'was' out put it back in and changed to 'grew into' to emphasis the loss of physique. I'll look at it again. Thanks for the read and reply./Chris

---

---

(11-06-2013, 06:27 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  [quote='Viktor Vaughn' pid='146251' dateline='1383685804']
I'm torn between the two version.

The long version adds context, and it shows the characters' fall, which makes the last stanza more beautiful.
The short version is so succinct and simple.

I would say go with the long version. I don't really like the word 'insurance' though, something like 'investing' might be more appropriate. And go back to 'grew into the epitome'. I like the idea of growing into a decayed physique.

I love the wordplay of vaulting mattresses, and raising children and pastry.

Great job!

Thank you very much Viktor! I really appreciate your time and opinion. I shall take a look at that change in vocation. I will probably play with both versions. However, I agree that the longer vesrion may set the reader up better. Cheers and welcome to the site. I just read you poem and enjoyed it a great deal. My suggestions are just that./Chris

---

(11-06-2013, 06:17 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Chris,

I think I prefer the shorter version:

After the games
he became symbolic
of their withered glory.
She was the epitome--fairly tight as it is, I might look to kill the was.
of their lost physique.

Watch him slink away
to pommel his horse;
she’ll escape to her room
to vault mattresses.

No major issues. I like the way you sum up the relationship. I like the title, and I like the double entendres of the gymnastics.

It's a good piece.

Best,

Todd

Much obliged Todd! I actually had that second 'was' out put it back in and changed to 'grew into' to emphasis the loss of physique. I'll look at it again. Thanks for the read and reply./Chris

---

Why won't my new edit repost?! Oh, now it finally does!

edit 2 both of the long and short of it.

Should I change this line?:

Watch him slink to the cellar
to pommel his horse;

to

Watch him slink outside
to pommel his horse;

Although masturbation can be implied in both instances, in the second there is double entendre with beating a live horse!

cellar gets my vote.

(11-06-2013, 08:46 AM)Todd Wrote:  cellar gets my vote.

Gotcha, I originally had 'to the stall', but I changed it because of my animal cruelty sensitivities.