I like where this one is going, but I need help with order and content. Here is another one of my song ideas. Its supposed to be slow and a little haunting. Hope you like it.

CATATON

There's nothing left to fight with,
This stupor is my grave,
The cold and paralyzing grip,
My catalectic trance,
It feels so never ending,

My decision to break
my constriction,
My decision to die
is my condition,

I feel the empty,
I feel its hands on me,
I have to hold on,
Before I slip away

The shuffle of dismay
All the messes that I make
In my catatonic world
where I feel so fake

I'm losing focus
I don't know how to move
Watch it all leave me
I'm ready to lose

My desicion to make,
my conviction
My addiction to hate
is my religion

I feel the empty,
I feel its fingers inside,
I have to hold on,
Before I let it all die

And when I give in
the stupor calls my name
My fingers hard like candy
My rigid face of wax
this body is lifeless
But unable to decay

My restriction to break
my constriction
My decision to die
is my condition

(10-26-2013, 02:21 AM)RyanRader13 Wrote:  I like where this one is going, but I need help with order and content. Here is another one of my song ideas. Its supposed to be slow and a little haunting. Hope you like it.

CATATONMeaning?

There's nothing left to fight with,
This stupor is my grave,
The cold and paralyzing grip,
My catalectic trance, Catalectic?
It feels so never ending,

My decision to break
my constriction,
My decision to die
is my condition,

I feel the empty,
I feel its hands on me,
I have to hold on,
Before I slip away

The shuffle of dismay
All the messes that I make
In my catatonic world
where I feel so fake

I'm losing focus
I don't know how to move
Watch it all leave me
I'm ready to lose

My desicion to make, Spelling/typos. Correct basic errors before posting. See forum rules.
my conviction
My addiction to hate
is my religion

I feel the empty,
I feel its fingers inside,
I have to hold on,
Before I let it all die

And when I give in
the stupor calls my name
My fingers hard like candy
My rigid face of wax
this body is lifeless
But unable to decay

My restriction to break
my constriction
My decision to die
is my condition

Moved to mild pending content/structural modifications. This piece has basic errors.
mod

Please bear with me this is my first attempt to critique and I am not sure if this going to work on my iPad. I love poetry but am a novice at it. Never have I put in words on Internet why or how or what I enjoyed or disliked about another's poetry. I was taught to keep my opinions to myself. So this site intrigues me and looms like a challenge. I hope I am not too verbose.

You wrote:
I like where this one is going, but I need help with order and content. Here is another one of my song ideas. Its supposed to be slow and a little haunting. Hope you like it.

CATATON

There's nothing left to fight with,
This stupor is my grave,
The cold and paralyzing grip,
My catalectic trance,
It feels so never ending,

I was at first caught by your title. Cat anything, old hag that I am. But what do you mean by Cataton? Is it a misspelling? Then you have catalectic what do you mean by this? Is it catatonic trance? This stanza need work and needs to come second or third. Fix the spellings or use words which will be understood. Why is there nothing left to fight with?

Is this the clue?

All the messes that I make
In my catatonic world
where I feel so fake

Notice how many times you use 'feel', 'fingers' and 'decision'. Show what is happening with sentences using descriptive action instead of it feels again and again.

I truly like what seems to be your intent but your structure lacks definition.

Consider this:
I don't know how to move
Watch it all leave me
I'm ready to lose

I am ready to lose. Or perhaps. I am ready to let loose. ???
Watching it all leave me
I don't know how to move.
Focus is lost.

I agree you need order and content and I feel strongly you can do it. I am having trouble holding on the iPad and seeing what we each have written. My apologies. Next time I will use a computer. Please revise and clean up a bit. I look forward to reading more.
Thank you,
Graystar







where I feel so fake