Edit:
It feels so good to hate your face.
Sly Snake, the blame's on you.
This searing pain that launched into
my ribs and sliced me through
this worthless heart; Its robust beat
I heaved into your hand.
You closed your fist around its glow
and turned the blood to sand.
Forgive you? Ha! You wretched beast.
For you I've no reprieve.
Displayed, I'm burning while you watch.
Your guilt is no relief.
I'd kick your teeth into your nose
to show you how to cry.
I hope she rapes your dreams and spits
into your lying eyes.
Original:
It feels so good to hate your face.
Sly Snake, the blame's on you.
This searing pain that launched into my ribs
and sliced me through.
This worthless heart. Its robust beat
I heaved into your hand.
You closed your fist around its glow
and turned the blood to sand.
Forgive you? Ha! You retched beast.
I have you no reprieve.
Displayed, I'm burning while you watch.
Your guilt is no relief.
I'd kick your teeth into your nose
to show you how to cry.
I hope she rapes your dreams
and spits into your lying eyes.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
This seems more or less written in ballad meter (a line of iambic tetrameter followed by a line of iambic trimeter). There are a few bumpy parts, I will make suggestions to get you back in place, so to speak.
----------------------------------------------------
"This searing pain that launched into my ribs
and sliced me through."
-to-
"This searing pain that launched into
my ribs and sliced me through."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"I have you no reprieve"
-to-
For you I've no reprieve
-------------------------------------------
"I hope she rapes your dreams
and spits into your lying eyes"
-to-
"I hope she rapes your dreams and spits
into your lying eyes"
-------------------------------------------
I think that gets everything into it's correct place.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Not much of a crit, but I like it. Thought at first it was just going to be angst-driven drivel, but I was pleasantly surprise when it turned out to be a brutal but honest poem. Just stopping by!
mel/bena
Thank you, Bena. It really means a lot.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-03-2013, 03:38 AM)tigrflye Wrote: Edit:
It feels so good to hate your face.
Sly Snake, the blame's on you.
This searing pain that launched into
my ribs and sliced me through. no period, surely?
This worthless heart. Its robust beat
I heaved into your hand.
You closed your fist around its glow
and turned the blood to sand.
Forgive you? Ha! You retched beast. Wretched?
For you I've no reprieve.
Displayed, I'm burning while you watch.
Your guilt is no relief.
I'd kick your teeth into your nose
to show you how to cry.
I hope she rapes your dreams and spits
into your lying eyes.
I wish there was more wrong with this because I rather wish I had written it
I am sure that there is a genre here. What shall we call it... ? Good consistency throughout and a succinct edit.Yes to this
Original:
It feels so good to hate your face.
Sly Snake, the blame's on you.
This searing pain that launched into my ribs
and sliced me through.
This worthless heart. Its robust beat
I heaved into your hand.
You closed your fist around its glow
and turned the blood to sand.
Forgive you? Ha! You retched beast.
I have you no reprieve.
Displayed, I'm burning while you watch.
Your guilt is no relief.
I'd kick your teeth into your nose
to show you how to cry.
I hope she rapes your dreams
and spits into your lying eyes.
Not
"I wish there was more wrong with this because I rather wish I had written it. I am sure that there is a genre here. What shall we call it... ? Good consistency throughout and a succunct edit.Yes to this"
-it seems I am full of thank yous today. I appreciate the kindness as my sore heart can surely use it. Yeah, wah wah.. I know.
One problem I am having is with the punctuation of this:
"This searing pain that launched into
my ribs and sliced me through
This worthless heart. Its robust beat
I heaved into your hand."
Is it correct that a fragment can be separated from a complete sentence with a semi colon?.. and then I could just put a ; after "heart"?
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Yep, a semicolon would be just fine. I wouldn't suggest it in an essay necessarily, but it's perfectly acceptable here.
It could be worse
Posts: 2,360
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
I came late to this one. It reads smoothly. I have no nits. It has a brutal energy to it that I appreciated.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
