I’m not a nice guy and I don't give a toss,
Around the time I awake.
Unreasonable as my red-faced boss,
I snub like a pet shop snake.

I don't care
If it's not fair.
Turn that light off -
I can't stand the glare.

Don't turn on the light,
Don't tell me your thoughts,
Don't care what the news says today.

Don't care what you think.
This trash bag is full.
The coffee pot’s empty. Hooray.

Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere
On the way to my lousy job.

It's not lack of caffeine
That makes me so mean,
It's YOU.

Good morning.
Whatever.
Have a good one.
I'll see ya.

Maybe it's not that I'm grouchy when tired,
Maybe that's not a fair call.
Maybe I just can't be bothered quite yet
To pretend that I like you at all.

Miserable sod

Can't say I dislike or disagree with the sentiments in the slightest. I quite like the rhymes you've set up and the change in scheme in the middle, although S5 doesn't seem to fit at all, in either rhyme or rhythm. It's a stopping point for me.

Also, "around the time I awake" is quite awkward phrasing. You could have "about what time I wake" and not lose any rhythm.

Great to read a poem from you after all your excellent feedback!

Nice poem, rather comical while serious, I like the way it flows. And no job is lousy if you love what you do then its not even work! Best of luck with that! And thanks for the good read

(09-24-2013, 04:25 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Miserable sod

Can't say I dislike or disagree with the sentiments in the slightest. I quite like the rhymes you've set up and the change in scheme in the middle, although S5 doesn't seem to fit at all, in either rhyme or rhythm. It's a stopping point for me.

Also, "around the time I awake" is quite awkward phrasing. You could have "about what time I wake" and not lose any rhythm.

Great to read a poem from you after all your excellent feedback!

Thanks for the kind words! Yes, I'm unapologetically miserable for the first few minutes of every morning. xD But after that I'm only moderately miserable. :p

S5 gave me some trouble when I was writing it. I went back and played with it a few times, but didn't really get anywhere with it. :/ I didn't want to lose any of the information within it, but if it breaks up the flow, I'll figure something out. Thanks for the honesty!

As for that line about waking, I'll probably change that to make it fit a bit better when I edit the poem (which I fully intend to do at some point).

Thanks for the tips. I'm a rookie - I need tips.

(09-24-2013, 04:45 AM)Malu Wrote:  Nice poem, rather comical while serious, I like the way it flows. And no job is lousy if you love what you do then its not even work! Best of luck with that! And thanks for the good read

Thanks a lot for the comments! When I sat down to write my first draft of this (bleary-eyed over a plate of eggs), it was intended to be strictly humourous, but it got quite venomous. I didn't want to lie by censoring the venom, but this draft was an effort to emphasize the humour a little bit more, so it didn't come off as a rhythmic rant.

Hi Jim
Great to see a post from you - This works on a couple of levels for me although i do keep wandering what sort of snub a pet shop snake makes. This does read as a bit odd, but perhaps i am just missing something here. (No experiance with snakes do they ignore people by any chance).
I particularly like that you do not have a progression towards niceness and that there is not a predictable ending of ...but I like you really.
Two lines I am uncertain about is the play between Turn that light off - and Don't turn the light on. (Just not convinced that this is not one don't too many, but then i like the repition of the grump about the light.
The other thing is I think the 2nd line is a bit clunky to read - not very smooth.

Hope these comments are of some help.
Welcome to the site
All the best AJ.

Hi Jim, enjoyed the grouchy mood, from a distance.

While I'm pretty poor at hacking lines out of my poems, I think it might work for your last line S5.


Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere.

Just a thought

(09-24-2013, 06:31 AM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi Jim
Great to see a post from you - This works on a couple of levels for me although i do keep wandering what sort of snub a pet shop snake makes. This does read as a bit odd, but perhaps i am just missing something here. (No experiance with snakes do they ignore people by any chance).
I particularly like that you do not have a progression towards niceness and that there is not a predictable ending of ...but I like you really.
Two lines I am uncertain about is the play between Turn that light off - and Don't turn the light on. (Just not convinced that this is not one don't too many, but then i like the repition of the grump about the light.
The other thing is I think the 2nd line is a bit clunky to read - not very smooth.

Hope these comments are of some help.
Welcome to the site
All the best AJ.

Thanks a bunch for the critiques! Much appreciated.

The line about the pet shop snake wasn't as clear as I woul have liked, but the image I was tryin to invoke was that of a child or teenager tapping on the glass of an inactive reptile and being utterly snubbed. Perhaps a zoo, or a different animal, might have conveyed it better?

As for the repetition of turning off the light, I won't lie - I straight-up missed that, heh. All the times I re-read this and somehow I managed to totally overlook that double-usage. :/ This will be fixed in my next draft.

I didn't have the same awkward feeling about the second line, but seeing as multiple people have, it's worth revising. I appreciate the honesty - thanks again for the response!

(09-24-2013, 09:16 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi Jim, enjoyed the grouchy mood, from a distance.

While I'm pretty poor at hacking lines out of my poems, I think it might work for your last line S5.


Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere.

Just a thought

Thanks for the help You're right , I definitely need to do something about S5. Maybe I'll split it into two stanzas, seeing as I still want to emphasize going anywhere else but there to eat. Your version definitely flows better than the original, though - thanks again!

hi Jim, spotted your feedback all over the place and it's a refreshing site indeedy thanks

the poem;'

it has a light hearted truth to it which makes it very likeable.
for me i'm not sure the rhyme scheme as it stands helps, though it starts off well and works well in some of the various verse, it could do with being constant, even if it's two rhyme schemes using alternating verse.
a suggest would be use a revolving 4 line 3 line format, or something that could lend to a wacky rhyme scheme.
i usually wake up happy and get grumpier as the day go on while all around me are grumpy bastards when they wake up

thanks for the read.

(09-24-2013, 03:56 AM)Jim Steele Wrote:  I’m not a nice guy and I don't give a toss,
Around the time I awake.
Unreasonable as my red-faced boss,
I snub like a pet shop snake.

I don't care
If it's not fair.
Turn that light off -
I can't stand the glare.

Don't turn on the light,
Don't tell me your thoughts,
Don't care what the news says today.

Don't care what you think.
This trash bag is full.
The coffee pot’s empty. Hooray.

Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere
On the way to my lousy job.

It's not lack of caffeine
That makes me so mean,
It's YOU.

Good morning.
Whatever.
Have a good one.
I'll see ya.

Maybe it's not that I'm grouchy when tired,
Maybe that's not a fair call.
Maybe I just can't be bothered quite yet
To pretend that I like you at all.

The problem with this poem is that it isn't really funny. I think it had the potential to be funny, but it just never really made it. What Leanne said probably had a lot to do with it, plus there was really nothing light to play off against. The last line should have been funny, but it just came out as mean.

Dale

(09-27-2013, 12:28 PM)billy Wrote:  hi Jim, spotted your feedback all over the place and it's a refreshing site indeedy thanks

the poem;'

it has a light hearted truth to it which makes it very likeable.
for me i'm not sure the rhyme scheme as it stands helps, though it starts off well and works well in some of the various verse, it could do with being constant, even if it's two rhyme schemes using alternating verse.
a suggest would be use a revolving 4 line 3 line format, or something that could lend to a wacky rhyme scheme.
i usually wake up happy and get grumpier as the day go on while all around me are grumpy bastards when they wake up

thanks for the read.

(09-24-2013, 03:56 AM)Jim Steele Wrote:  I’m not a nice guy and I don't give a toss,
Around the time I awake.
Unreasonable as my red-faced boss,
I snub like a pet shop snake.

I don't care
If it's not fair.
Turn that light off -
I can't stand the glare.

Don't turn on the light,
Don't tell me your thoughts,
Don't care what the news says today.

Don't care what you think.
This trash bag is full.
The coffee pot’s empty. Hooray.

Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere
On the way to my lousy job.

It's not lack of caffeine
That makes me so mean,
It's YOU.

Good morning.
Whatever.
Have a good one.
I'll see ya.

Maybe it's not that I'm grouchy when tired,
Maybe that's not a fair call.
Maybe I just can't be bothered quite yet
To pretend that I like you at all.

Thanks for the comments! The structure itself is something I didn't put as much thought into as I should have. At first I hardly noticed it, but the more I reread, the more I think it could use some attention.

Thanks a bunch for all the great advice, all - bit of work one afternoon, and I'll make this poem a bit more presentable and natural.

Good poem, it was funny which is what makes it interesting.

I enjoyed this quite thoroughly, I'm not sure how serious or comedic this was supposed to be in nature. But I definitely read this as comedy and I think that is the way it should be perceived. Given the theme I can understand why some people could be taken aback by it.

(09-24-2013, 03:56 AM)Jim Steele Wrote:  I’m not a nice guy and I don't give a toss,
Around the time I awake.
Unreasonable as my red-faced boss,
I snub like a pet shop snake.

maybe consider reversing this stanza... awake, toss, snake, boss... for some reason i don't like the sound of ending on a short note rather than a long one, but maybe thats just me

I don't care
If it's not fair.
Turn that light off -
I can't stand the glare. would it be over excessive to say "i can't bare the glare?" I only ask because you used care and fair... i dunno it does sound a little 'Dr. suess' like

Don't turn on the light,
Don't tell me your thoughts,
Don't care what the news says today. I could care less what the news has to say

Don't care what you think.
This trash bag is full.
The coffee pot’s empty. Hooray. - i like the sarcasm

Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere
On the way to my lousy job. - i'm iffy on breaking up the rhyme here.

It's not lack of caffeine
That makes me so mean,
It's YOU. well said

Good morning.
Whatever.
Have a good one.
I'll see ya.

Maybe it's not that I'm grouchy when tired,
Maybe that's not a fair call.
Maybe I just can't be bothered quite yet
To pretend that I like you at all. i like the repetition of the word maybe. the end brings it to a conclusion that is neither optimistic nor cheerful... i like that, seems realistic.

I like this though, it was a fun read rather than a struggle. you must be working with some real motivation to have something like this come to you during breakfast haha. anyway thanks because most of us have been here, congrats for having the balls to say it.