Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
Uh....
Lines snapping
Deserted evening dates
Mosquitos buzzing around
Hanging shame curtains
Obelisks crumbles
Midnight strikes
I've done all that I could
For what?
I didn't succeed
It's over
They say better luck next time
Or next year
Or sometimes never
But it can't be one of those times
A baby turtle dropped by a seagull
Continues to live
And survive
Growing
Flourishing
Learning
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
The first stanza reads more like a list of emotions, rather than actual poetry. There's no imagery, no exploration of those emotions you list; why they're there, how they affect the narrator etc. The second and third stanza reads like flat statements, without giving any explanation on what is actually going on around the narrator. I'd suggest more showing and less telling, like you show in S4 L1-2. Just a few thoughts and JMHO of course.
Best,
LB
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-12-2013, 09:36 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Hi,
The first stanza reads more like a list of emotions, rather than actual poetry. There's no imagery, no exploration of those emotions you list; why they're there, how they affect the narrator etc. The second and third stanza reads like flat statements, without giving any explanation on what is actually going on around the narrator. I'd suggest more showing and less telling, like you show in S4 L1-2. Just a few thoughts and JMHO of course.
Best,
LB
Yeah, that's pretty good advice, thanks!
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(09-12-2013, 07:36 AM)Malu Wrote: Uh....
Lines snapping
Deserted evening dates
Mosquitos buzzing around
Hanging shame curtains
Obelisks crumbles
Midnight strikes
I've done all that I could
For what?
I didn't succeed
It's over
They say better luck next time
Or next year
Or sometimes never
But it can't be one of those times
A baby turtle dropped by a seagull
Continues to live
And survive
Growing
Flourishing
Learning
The first five lines come off abstract, they do not seem to work together well. It starts off rapidly without setting things together
well enough to draw in attention. I would start by reworking the
first five lines of this piece so they function better.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Although I can sort of feel the emotion in the first stanza (because I'm a poetry newbie and don't know much about it
) it doesn't tell how you overcame any of that at all. It's kind of bugging me.
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-15-2013, 01:22 AM)OliverPorano Wrote: Although I can sort of feel the emotion in the first stanza (because I'm a poetry newbie and don't know much about it ) it doesn't tell how you overcame any of that at all. It's kind of bugging me.
A baby turtle dropped by a seagull, instead of being eaten by it, that's a second chance, that's what I got, a second chance at survival, a second chance to continue to grow and learn. Does that make sense now? Not to mention part of poetry is to leave the reader open to their own interpretation, so you it doesn't have to tell you how, you can figure that out or decide what happens. Plus there is also this device called a cliff hanger, a lot of movies, t.v. shows, stories, use them to keep the audience interested in what happens next, it also makes the audience think. But in this specific case, I basically said I got a second chance, so I didn't necessarily overcome it, but I've been given another opportunity to do so.
(09-12-2013, 01:33 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (09-12-2013, 07:36 AM)Malu Wrote: Uh....
Lines snapping
Deserted evening dates
Mosquitos buzzing around
Hanging shame curtains
Obelisks crumbles
Midnight strikes
I've done all that I could
For what?
I didn't succeed
It's over
They say better luck next time
Or next year
Or sometimes never
But it can't be one of those times
A baby turtle dropped by a seagull
Continues to live
And survive
Growing
Flourishing
Learning
The first five lines come off abstract, they do not seem to work together well. It starts off rapidly without setting things together
well enough to draw in attention. I would start by reworking the
first five lines of this piece so they function better.
Yeah, they don't, its not really a flow, it's more of a list of emotions and feelings, except I'm trying to show those feelings rather than simply list them.
