Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique


Twisted into Regret (You'll Never be Forgotten)

Where did you even come from?
You've opened your secrets
and trusted me with your pain.
It's written in your stare
you've seen the same in mine..
Glistening Emerald,
illuminating my soul
and bringing forth my burden.
It's of a luscious Garden Green
to compliment the shining black
etched into your lips..
Warming your eyes
and casting a perceived cool
emphasised by the tainted black
smoothed to appropriate your lips
and warped your smile
into indifference.
I've told you
all I've bared to burden
and loved you all the same.
You've elevated me
given meaning to me.
Drank with me.
And we drink until we kiss
or until darkness and doubt confuses us both
better than our lips ever could.
For too long we've done this..
this detached game of chess.
Our hearts the board
Our bodies the pieces.
And we've yet to trade a piece.
You've been the passion
that's kept me strong.
And the regret
that's done me wrong.
Detached or not,
this cannot go on forever.
You're the only regret I'll never forget.
May love guide you home
be it with me, or without.
I never expected you to love me
you just left it too late.

(09-06-2013, 01:17 PM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

Hi exp,
You admit you are tinkering with this and it shows. The whole thing is hopelessly disjointed. There is no cohesion in the piece.
Here is what to do. Read it out loud to a stranger. If you are embarrased by what you are narrating, it is in need of work.
I would blush by L2 and be in danger of the red-faced dry-up by L7.
A good start would to be cutting out every instance of a line which contains a noun, adjective or verb you have previously used. This is an exercise.
Go away and when you have finished tinkering repost it.
Best,
tectak


Twisted into Regret (You'll Never be Forgotten)

Where did you even come from? even is a generically vernacular Americanism. Leave it in the Bronx
You've opened your secrets
and trusted me with your pain.
It's written in your stare
you've seen the same in mine. repeated you've. Omit this line
Glistening Emerald,
illuminating my soul
and bringing forth my burden.
It's of a luscious Garden Green omit. it's
to compliment the shining black
etched into your lips..
Warming your eyes
and casting a perceived cool
emphasised by the tainted black omit. black
smoothed to appropriate your lips omit.lips
and warped your smile
into indifference.
I've told you
all I've bared to burden
and loved you all the same.
You've elevated meomit. you've
given meaning to me.
Drank with me. omit.me
And we drink until we kiss
or until darkness and doubt confuses us both
better than our lips ever could.omif.lips
For too long we've done this..
this detached game of chess.
Our hearts the board
Our bodies the pieces.
And we've yet to trade a piece. omit.piece
You've been the passion omit.you've
that's kept me strong.
And the regret
that's done me wrong. omit.that's
Detached or not, omit.detached
this cannot go on forever.
You're the only regret I'll never forget.omit.regret
May love guide you home
be it with me, or without.
I never expected you to love me omit.love
you just left it too late.

(09-06-2013, 03:53 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(09-06-2013, 01:17 PM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

Hi exp,
You admit you are tinkering with this and it shows. The whole thing is hopelessly disjointed. There is no cohesion in the piece.
Here is what to do. Read it out loud to a stranger. If you are embarrased by what you are narrating, it is in need of work.
I would blush by L2 and be in danger of the red-faced dry-up by L7.
A good start would to be cutting out every instance of a line which contains a noun, adjective or verb you have previously used. This is an exercise.
Go away and when you have finished tinkering repost it.
Best,
tectak


Twisted into Regret (You'll Never be Forgotten)

Where did you even come from? even is a generically vernacular Americanism. Leave it in the Bronx
You've opened your secrets
and trusted me with your pain.
It's written in your stare
you've seen the same in mine. repeated you've. Omit this line
Glistening Emerald,
illuminating my soul
and bringing forth my burden.
It's of a luscious Garden Green omit. it's
to compliment the shining black
etched into your lips..
Warming your eyes
and casting a perceived cool
emphasised by the tainted black omit. black
smoothed to appropriate your lips omit.lips
and warped your smile
into indifference.
I've told you
all I've bared to burden
and loved you all the same.
You've elevated meomit. you've
given meaning to me.
Drank with me. omit.me
And we drink until we kiss
or until darkness and doubt confuses us both
better than our lips ever could.omif.lips
For too long we've done this..
this detached game of chess.
Our hearts the board
Our bodies the pieces.
And we've yet to trade a piece. omit.piece
You've been the passion omit.you've
that's kept me strong.
And the regret
that's done me wrong. omit.that's
Detached or not, omit.detached
this cannot go on forever.
You're the only regret I'll never forget.omit.regret
May love guide you home
be it with me, or without.
I never expected you to love me omit.love
you just left it too late.

Good shit to work with, cheers.

Ditto Tom.

Dale

(09-06-2013, 01:17 PM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

how about you start giving feedback to others and you will learn why this does not work and certainly doesn't belong in the serious critique section.

/mod

(09-07-2013, 02:05 PM)milo Wrote:  

(09-06-2013, 01:17 PM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

how about you start giving feedback to others and you will learn why this does not work and certainly doesn't belong in the serious critique section.

/mod

I have given critique, first thing I did when I signed up here was critique a poem.

(09-08-2013, 12:43 AM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  

(09-07-2013, 02:05 PM)milo Wrote:  

(09-06-2013, 01:17 PM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  Still tinkering around with what I think could work, I let the topic co e to me this time. I'd appreciate some critique

how about you start giving feedback to others and you will learn why this does not work and certainly doesn't belong in the serious critique section.

/mod

I have given critique, first thing I did when I signed up here was critique a poem.

the requirements are to post at least 1 critique for each poem posted, but that is just the minimum for preventing leachers. You are stunting your own growth by not participating properly which is why you are still posting crap like this in serious and can't tell the difference.

My suggestion to you:

Go through the feedback you have received and count how many comments you got. One by one, go through the poems on the boards and do the following:

1. Read through a poem around 10 times before rushing to hit the "reply" button.
2. On the first pass, try to enjoy the reading. Note lines, expression, word choices, etc. that you like.
3. On the second and third reads, try to pick out things that detract from your enjoyment (awkwardness, poor scansion, line breaks etc) weird grammar or syntax, poor spelling, cliches.
4. On your fourth and fifth reads, try to analyze why the writer picked /specific/ words. Are there double meaning? Symbolism? If the writer picked orchids at a funeral instead of irises, why?
5. Use google. There may be some words or concepts you are not familiar with.
6. What is the central metaphor? Does the word choice the author used complement it? Does it contrast it?
7. See #6 and consider if the writer was trying to use thesis/antithesis, perhaps for allegorical or satirical intent. (note - all Shakespearean sonnets should use thesis/antithesis in the final couplet>
8. Read once more to enjoy the poem. Feel the rhythm, say the words out loud.
9. Make a recording of the poem and listen back to it. Note areas that give you problems in the reading.

Repeat this until you have offered as much as you have taken. By the time you are finished, you will know why this poem doesn't belong in serious, but if you don't, I promise I will go through line by line (a process taht will take me more than an hour) and explain exactly what is wrong with this poem you posted.

milo

---

(09-08-2013, 01:11 AM)milo Wrote:  

(09-08-2013, 12:43 AM)Expendable Youth. Wrote:  

(09-07-2013, 02:05 PM)milo Wrote:  how about you start giving feedback to others and you will learn why this does not work and certainly doesn't belong in the serious critique section.

/mod

I have given critique, first thing I did when I signed up here was critique a poem.

the requirements are to post at least 1 critique for each poem posted, but that is just the minimum for preventing leachers. You are stunting your own growth by not participating properly which is why you are still posting crap like this in serious and can't tell the difference. You have posted 4 poems.

My suggestion to you:

Go through the feedback you have received and count how many comments you got. One by one, go through the poems on the boards and do the following:

1. Read through a poem around 10 times before rushing to hit the "reply" button.
2. On the first pass, try to enjoy the reading. Note lines, expression, word choices, etc. that you like.
3. On the second and third reads, try to pick out things that detract from your enjoyment (awkwardness, poor scansion, line breaks etc) weird grammar or syntax, poor spelling, cliches.
4. On your fourth and fifth reads, try to analyze why the writer picked /specific/ words. Are there double meaning? Symbolism? If the writer picked orchids at a funeral instead of irises, why?
5. Use google. There may be some words or concepts you are not familiar with.
6. What is the central metaphor? Does the word choice the author used complement it? Does it contrast it?
7. See #6 and consider if the writer was trying to use thesis/antithesis, perhaps for allegorical or satirical intent. (note - all Shakespearean sonnets should use thesis/antithesis in the final couplet>
8. Read once more to enjoy the poem. Feel the rhythm, say the words out loud.
9. Make a recording of the poem and listen back to it. Note areas that give you problems in the reading.

Repeat this until you have offered as much as you have taken. By the time you are finished, you will know why this poem doesn't belong in serious, but if you don't, I promise I will go through line by line (a process taht will take me more than an hour) and explain exactly what is wrong with this poem you posted.

milo