Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

BEST ONE IVE READ HERE SO FAR..!!!! Ive sent in 2 poems in 2days & ive felt them too

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surfaceHi fim. "right below"? Is that "just below" or is "just below" below that? Maybe "barely below" would avoid the double-talk.
circling just beneath where poems submergeAgain, this is a cute thought but "beneath" a "submerged" depth is hard to fathom
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word....but a very nice cameo...I like it a whole lot

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.the "yet" carries no contradiction and is just a superflous filler. You could get much more out of this line with a little more astuteness.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths."and" and "as" are not required. As there is no solid meter thus far it seems a little pointless to worry about it now

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathedpunctuate
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.commenting on meter is not going to make this a worthy crit but what the hell...the whole thing is running away with three-legged gallops. Read it out loud to your dentist. If he stops work and listens it is fine by me.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail beneath AGAIN. We are in danger of becoming antipodean
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.submerge AGAIN. I am drowning in deep depths, right underneath, beneath submerged depths. Wordy but does not say a great deal that is relevant to the poem... I avoid saying it is not profound to avoid you sounding Maybe it is time to think about closure...

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splashbeneath again already
pass through the water stained red with poem-bloodThe metaphor is now hemorrhaging...the "red" is reduntant, too. I would try to find a way of suggesting that poem blood may be of an inky nature/colour. Poem blood-blue. Crit's pen-red
without suffering even a single gash."even" is redundant

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,crustaceous maybe?
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”...not if you strive. Only if you succeed

“Choose words that describe your poems ideaspoem's
so its meaning is readily evident,period.This is a complete sentence
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”You are getting tired. It shows. Very bad line. Quite a bad stanza.Rewrite, methinks

Legend holds some poems submerged for critiquesubmerged again.
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know crustiest again
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack....sound of logs falling down the stairs.

Hi again, fim,
Sorry about the line by line but the poem was really eaten by its own subject matter rather than by me There is a convoluted (and I would love to believe, deliberate) irony in the piece...but no, it is unintentionally ironic and so fails. The idea is BRILLIANT. Some of the metaphors are worth baiting your hook for and having another cast...but I think this one wriggled free. So must I.
Very Best,
tectak

Hi Fim;
those scavengers oftentimes do perform a literary service. As a writer I appreciate critiques. Even those that seem somewhat unqualified can have some merits in as far as they might cause me to pause and rethink some of my lines. As far as your poem's message is concerned, I think it is clever, and since someone else before me stole my thunder, I can only suggest that you make greater use of commas, even though contemporary writers seem to have abandoned them. A properly placed comma clarifies an obscure line. Thanks for posting your interesting poem. J.

'138474' dateline='1378462944']
Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.
[/quote]

(09-06-2013, 11:40 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surfaceHi fim. "right below"? Is that "just below" or is "just below" below that? Maybe "barely below" would avoid the double-talk.
circling just beneath where poems submergeAgain, this is a cute thought but "beneath" a "submerged" depth is hard to fathom
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word....but a very nice cameo...I like it a whole lot

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.the "yet" carries no contradiction and is just a superflous filler. You could get much more out of this line with a little more astuteness.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths."and" and "as" are not required. As there is no solid meter thus far it seems a little pointless to worry about it now

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathedpunctuate
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.commenting on meter is not going to make this a worthy crit but what the hell...the whole thing is running away with three-legged gallops. Read it out loud to your dentist. If he stops work and listens it is fine by me.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail beneath AGAIN. We are in danger of becoming antipodean
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.submerge AGAIN. I am drowning in deep depths, right underneath, beneath submerged depths. Wordy but does not say a great deal that is relevant to the poem... I avoid saying it is not profound to avoid you sounding Maybe it is time to think about closure...

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splashbeneath again already
pass through the water stained red with poem-bloodThe metaphor is now hemorrhaging...the "red" is reduntant, too. I would try to find a way of suggesting that poem blood may be of an inky nature/colour. Poem blood-blue. Crit's pen-red
without suffering even a single gash."even" is redundant

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,crustaceous maybe?
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”...not if you strive. Only if you succeed

“Choose words that describe your poems ideaspoem's
so its meaning is readily evident,period.This is a complete sentence
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”You are getting tired. It shows. Very bad line. Quite a bad stanza.Rewrite, methinks

Legend holds some poems submerged for critiquesubmerged again.
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know crustiest again
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack....sound of logs falling down the stairs.

Hi again, fim,
Sorry about the line by line but the poem was really eaten by its own subject matter rather than by me There is a convoluted (and I would love to believe, deliberate) irony in the piece...but no, it is unintentionally ironic and so fails. The idea is BRILLIANT. Some of the metaphors are worth baiting your hook for and having another cast...but I think this one wriggled free. So must I.
Very Best,
tectak

tectak,
Thank you for the line by line. Every time you critique my poems I learn a lot. I definitely think there is something worth salvaging here. I also realize that it needs a lot more work than I ever would have suspected. I am learning I am meter-challenged. When I read this, to my ear it can be read "smoothly." There is something I am missing. OK ... back to the drawing board. Thank you again!
fim

---

(09-07-2013, 12:33 AM)Snowbells Wrote:  Hi Fim;
those scavengers oftentimes do perform a literary service. As a writer I appreciate critiques. Even those that seem somewhat unqualified can have some merits in as far as they might cause me to pause and rethink some of my lines. As far as your poem's message is concerned, I think it is clever, and since someone else before me stole my thunder, I can only suggest that you make greater use of commas, even though contemporary writers seem to have abandoned them. A properly placed comma clarifies an obscure line. Thanks for posting your interesting poem. J.

'138474' dateline='1378462944']
Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

[/quote]Thanks J.
There will never be much left to "chew on" after a tectak attack. I really feel blessed and honored to have him savage my poems with his critiques ... I have learned more about poetry in the past few months than I gleaned over twenty years of writing poems thanks to tectak, Milo, billy, Leanne and the other masters of the minion-members of TPP. I feel really fortunate to have found this workshop. Yup, I am a lucky man!
Best,
fim

---

(09-06-2013, 11:36 PM)Spikerider Wrote:  BEST ONE IVE READ HERE SO FAR..!!!! Ive sent in 2 poems in 2days & ive felt them too

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

Thanks Spikerider,
I kind of liked it too. I will like if more after I edit it. That is the great thing about TPP - with the help of the masters of the minion-members I am being taught how to polish a turd until it shines like polished ebony!
fim

PS the muse in me liked your critique the best!

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

Recently, I saw a clip of some comedian or other (I can't remember who) that included a thing about sharks. He was all... 'sharks right, don't they know that we can see their fins above the water, do they really think they are taking us by surprise, we can see you!'

I laughed.
Scurry, whilst this is a debatably interesting anecdote about your sense of humour, it is not in any sense a critique of the contributor's poem. It is noted that you appear to uniquely misunderstand the point of this site. Please post useful critique. Is that clear?
mod

(09-07-2013, 07:14 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote:  

(09-06-2013, 07:22 PM)fim Wrote:  Shark Repellant is a poem I wrote while pondering the response to The Dragon Down the Hall submitted some time ago in the Mild Critique forum.

Shark Repellant
fim 9/5/13

They glide around right below the surface
circling just beneath where poems submerge
savoring with wry anticipation
how they’ll dine on every word.

Savaging chunks inattentive to meter,
severing stanzas deemed insignificant
remnants of poem-flesh pinched between razor sharp teeth
yet the attack does not relent.

Punctuation errors cleaved with surgical precision,
questionable grammar forcefully ripped
and swallowed with ruthless abandon
as the poem limply sinks to the depths.

But lore exists among sailors
that a poem can reach the briny deep unscathed
repellants exist that make a poem so unpalatable
even the most voracious sharks turn away.

Huddled and in hushed whispers
beneath masts that creak from wind-filled sail
salty wisdom is secretly circulated
that can enable a poem to submerge and prevail.

Survive the frenzied feeding
just beneath the surface’s splash
pass through the water stained red with poem-blood
without suffering even a single gash.

“Make your poem just a bit longer,”
crusty voices quietly intone,
“strive to use rhyme consistently
and the sharks leave your poem alone.”

“Choose words that describe your poems ideas
so its meaning is readily evident,
sharks are lured by obscurity,
without it it’ll have a safe descent.”

Legend holds some poems submerged for critique
peacefully rest on the ocean floor intact.
But only the crustiest of sailors know
why the circling sharks didn’t brutally attack.

Recently, I saw a clip of some comedian or other (I can't remember who) that included a thing about sharks. He was all... 'sharks right, don't they know that we can see their fins above the water, do they really think they are taking us by surprise, we can see you!'

I laughed.
Scurry, whilst this is a debatably interesting anecdote about your sense of humour, it is not in any sense a critique of the contributor's poem. It is noted that you appear to uniquely misunderstand the point of this site. Please post useful critique. Is that clear?
mod

It wasn't a comment on my sense of humour, it was an attempt to tell the author of this poem that sometimes shark infested waters are easy to spot and maybe they could incorporate some of that into their poem, I never thought I was subtle, before now. (yeah, its clear, I'll try and critique like a proper person from now on)

but it probably won't be useful.