1st Edit:
Exhaust of the Day

Seven-thirty flashes; he knows
an hour later this would not be
a crush of traffic. But he stares,
forcing wheels between the stripes that
spend his life demanding checks for
grosses' calculated need of
hours punched on-time, therefore he sits,

now trapped beyond the glass—a face
smeared among all those wheels and all
those shields. On red, he spies a pair
of eyes also sealed in their lines.
Turning green, they briefly catch his.



original version:
And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
Good man!
I see no meter and so I shan't look for it but i will read it out loud a few times to see if there is a Ginsbergian flow
No. There is not. So, where to improve?
Well, "have become" is over-egging "am". I am stuck in traffic. This is terse-verse so everything must say something and nothing must say nothing at all. With that in mind:

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know Take your parteners for and Iamb and Trochee waltz, or spondee the way I read it. I don't normally worry too much about these technicalities but we are gavotting here. The flow is not instinctive and I feel hurried then slowed. The next line enjambment increase the discomfort.
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,"so much so" is not even so-so. I admire your bravado as I get the feeling this was a deliberate crit-trap!You will do it again later with "wheels and shields". I do not like the blatant cleverness, but some might so be happy
forcing the car between the lines,The "staring" and the "forcing" are disconnected. The comma links the two dissimilar activities in no known way. After the "so much so", try a full stop then a statemental "I keep on staring." You are then in the clear. " I force the car between the lines ...". Your poem.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,Huge disconnect. I sit, a face???? No to this. Needs looking at.
caught among all these wheels and all "all these" and "all these" is not clever enough wordplay to get in the dubiously double entendre of the "shields" pun, if that is what you were aiming for.
these shields. And sometimes I catch a setPair?
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.Hmmm. The end?

Best I can do,
tectak.

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  I have become caught in traffic. -- this is such an odd phrasing that I'm actually starting off the poem with the image of a man morphed with a traffic jam in some ungodly caughtintraffic monster -- I haven't yet decided whether I like that or not
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be -- "half an hour" is rather less forced than "a half-hour" -- not just because it's a dialect thing, I'm really only considering the sounds in this case -- also, breaking on "be" does you no favours as it causes the rhyme of "know/so" to be almost entirely buried, which is a shame
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, -- I am not prejudiced against -ings ... I just don't think that two so close together are helpful in this case
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour -- rhythm might be improved by removing "pay" here
and the hour demands that I sit, -- is "that" necessary?
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all -- reappearance of "caught" might not be the best word choice in such a short poem, especially with "catch" in the next line -- I'd be tempted to leave it here but change the first line
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. -- you could consider breaking after "sometimes" if it's not too gimmicky, or putting "sometimes" up on the preceding line

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...
Good man!
I see no meter and so I shan't look for it but i will read it out loud a few times to see if there is a Ginsbergian flow
No. There is not. So, where to improve?:

simple syllable count

Well, "have become" is over-egging "am". I am stuck in traffic. This is terse-verse so everything must say something and nothing must say nothing at all. With that in mind:
try present perfect

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know Take your parteners for and Iamb and Trochee waltz, or spondee the way I read it. I don't normally worry too much about these technicalities but we are gavotting here. The flow is not instinctive and I feel hurried then slowed. The next line enjambment increase the discomfort.
good...seriously I would think this poem wants to do some of those things

a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,"so much so" is not even so-so. I admire your bravado as I get the feeling this was a deliberate crit-trap!You will do it again later with "wheels and shields". I do not like the blatant cleverness, but some might so be happy
wheels and shields...I really am literally talking about being stuck in traffic--this is not trying to be clever, though I don't have much clue about what is the cleverness to which you refer

forcing the car between the lines,The "staring" and the "forcing" are disconnected. The comma links the two dissimilar activities in no known way. After the "so much so", try a full stop then a statemental "I keep on staring." You are then in the clear. " I force the car between the lines ...". Your poem.
maybe it's a new way, I don't know, but I hope it does lead to some meaning

because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,Huge disconnect. I sit, a face???? No to this. Needs looking at.
Really was it that hard to read? I'm not joking. I legitimately want to know. Grammar should exist to help clarify. You don't have to follow grammar, but if the meaning really is lost, then I need to rewrite...face simply refers to I

caught among all these wheels and all "all these" and "all these" is not clever enough wordplay to get in the dubiously double entendre of the "shields" pun, if that is what you were aiming for.

the pun must have been lost on me

these shields. And sometimes I catch a setPair?
thought about pair, but as of right now, I don't have a compelling reason to change it

of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.Hmmm. The end?

Thanks for the comments.

---

[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='137311' dateline='1377276130']
I like the piece and it worked for me, particularly when I read it more slowly a second time, as it had an almost treadmilling flow consistent with the theme. The poem captured the monotony and insipidness of the daily routine and life, especially with these effective strings: so/much/so and lines/life/paycheck/paycheck/hour/hour/sit and all these wheels/all these shields. The latter pairing plays to the sense of isolation from others in their own futile cycles, with windshield-shields echoing the same. Finally, the closing line was poignant for me. Sometimes they also catch mine, as if it is not acceptable or what would one do about in anyway. (Do I relate to this because I am closer to retirement that I think I am?) As for edits, something akin to holding or maintaining might be better than forcing in line 5. You could change a face to my or with face to avoid that sitting on your face implication in line 9. I will swing by again for another look and comment further if I can. Welcome to the site!/Chris
[/quote]

Thanks for the comments. Looks like "I sit,/a face" is causing problems. Needlessly? I'll have to ponder it.

If you have more comments, fire away.

---

[quote='Leanne' pid='137313' dateline='1377282762']
[quote='btrudo' pid='137305' dateline='1377264156']
I have become caught in traffic. -- this is such an odd phrasing that I'm actually starting off the poem with the image of a man morphed with a traffic jam in some ungodly caughtintraffic monster -- I haven't yet decided whether I like that or not
not what I saw, though ungodly caughtintraffic monster might be appropriate

It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be -- "half an hour" is rather less forced than "a half-hour" -- not just because it's a dialect thing, I'm really only considering the sounds in this case -- also, breaking on "be" does you no favours as it causes the rhyme of "know/so" to be almost entirely buried, which is a shame
I'll ponder the half an hour. I'm inclined to bury the rhyme inline anyways

so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, -- I am not prejudiced against -ings ... I just don't think that two so close together are helpful in this case
Being prejudiced against -ings is a very good thing when you consider that they're needlessly overused. They also tend to create very weak constructions. I'll talk to the poem and we'll talk it out.

because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour -- rhythm might be improved by removing "pay" here
I'll have to ponder, though a slow read through here might be appropriate

and the hour demands that I sit, -- is "that" necessary?
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all -- reappearance of "caught" might not be the best word choice in such a short poem, especially with "catch" in the next line -- I'd be tempted to leave it here but change the first line
I do have to perform a cost/benefit analysis on the repetitions.

these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. -- you could consider breaking after "sometimes" if it's not too gimmicky, or putting "sometimes" up on the preceding line

I have to watch the "sometimes".

Thanks for the comments.

---

maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.


nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

Mundane meaning earthly or everyday?

Not so sure the movie matches well with the title of this.

Thanks for the comments.

(08-24-2013, 05:19 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote:  

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

This is interesting commentary but not really up to the standards of serious critique. Please try to elaborate what you think works/doesn't work using specifics from the poem

/mod

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
like leanne, I'm not sure if I like the construct or not, I keep hearing jason ross singing "I have become"...
that sense you pick up maybe exactly what the poem wants

It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
I would replace life. I know, many would say, "but it's soo true!", but this is a great opportunity to give us a peek into the narrators life, and let us know he's not just another asshole stuck in traffic: Rent, the landlord/landlady, the car-note (oh, the irony! You need the car to pay for the car!), a woman demands my paycheck. . .
life might just be a placeholder. The irony of the car becomes even more so when you consider the job might only be paying $8.50/hr

and the paycheck demands the hour
you don't need the second "pay" before check.
A comment above trimmed check, it could either way, but honestly, it might be a good opportunity to riff slightly off a paycheck anyways, like 'gross pay'

and the hour demands that I sit,
sounds much better without "that".
poem is intentionally trying to force the sitting Try saying with the 'that' and without the that and then consider the line.

a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

I like the idea, I think you're on to something here.

---

Btw, i like half hour, we always say it, but we never get to read it.

"half a hour" and "a half-hour"...same literal meaning, but I do think the connotation is slightly different. It's actually very natural for me to say "a half-hour", but I do say both phrases. I am interested in hearing readers' thoughts on this.

Thanks for the comments.

(08-25-2013, 11:48 PM)btrudo Wrote:  And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
like leanne, I'm not sure if I like the construct or not, I keep hearing jason ross singing "I have become"...
that sense you pick up maybe exactly what the poem wants

that would be ironic, because it's quite cumbersome.

It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
I would replace life. I know, many would say, "but it's soo true!", but this is a great opportunity to give us a peek into the narrators life, and let us know he's not just another asshole stuck in traffic: Rent, the landlord/landlady, the car-note (oh, the irony! You need the car to pay for the car!), a woman demands my paycheck. . .
life might just be a placeholder. The irony of the car becomes even more so when you consider the job might only be paying $8.50/hr

sounds to me like it's not worth the gas

and the paycheck demands the hour
you don't need the second "pay" before check.
A comment above trimmed check, it could either way, but honestly, it might be a good opportunity to riff slightly off a paycheck anyways, like 'gross pay'

and the hour demands that I sit,
sounds much better without "that".
poem is intentionally trying to force the sitting Try saying with the 'that' and without the that and then consider the line.

I did try it both ways, hence the comment.

a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

I like the idea, I think you're on to something here.

---

Btw, i like half hour, we always say it, but we never get to read it.

"half a hour" and "a half-hour"...same literal meaning, but I do think the connotation is slightly different. It's actually very natural for me to say "a half-hour", but I do say both phrases. I am interested in hearing readers' thoughts on this.

Thanks for the comments.

It's half an hour. Not half a hour. I hope.

(08-24-2013, 09:48 AM)milo Wrote:  

(08-24-2013, 05:19 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote:  

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

This is interesting commentary but not really up to the standards of serious critique. Please try to elaborate what you think works/doesn't work using specifics from the poem

/mod

ok, sorry about that ;o)

Please delete me, thanks.

(08-23-2013, 10:22 PM)btrudo Wrote:  maybe I finally have gotten around to posting something...

And Then I Look Away

I have become caught in traffic.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.

---

nice piece of poetry with many symbols expressing life. Symbolic poems is one of my favorite type to read. A poem which I interpret as a sign of struggle. Well told poem with strong meaning, symbols, and metaphors.

(08-26-2013, 02:45 AM)Survivor Wrote:  

---

nice piece of poetry with many symbols expressing life. Symbolic poems is one of my favorite type to read. A poem which I interpret as a sign of struggle. Well told poem with strong meaning, symbols, and metaphors.

This is what may be referred to as "generic praise" rather than critique -- it could be applied to any number of poems as it is entirely non-specific. Serious Workshopping requires a much greater level of commitment from all parties/ admin

I have become caught in traffic.
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments

-----------------------------
Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.

-Daniel

nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?
[/quote]

This is interesting commentary but not really up to the standards of serious critique. Please try to elaborate what you think works/doesn't work using specifics from the poem

/mod
[/quote]

ok, sorry about that ;o)

Please delete me, thanks.

I hope you don't walk out the door. Poetry benefits when many different people actually speak and not just tired, overly trained voices. Having said that, I do think you could elaborate, in your own words, on the strengths and weaknesses.

---

I have become caught in traffic.
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments

-----------------------------
Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the comments and thoughtful questions.
This is less about society and more about the narrator, or at least, that's my reading of this.

---

Since this is supposed to be a workshop. I'm going to chime in, though I've already chimed in more than I would in a in-person workshop.

And Then I Look Away
title is meant to complete last line

I have become caught in traffic.
This literally is the correct use of present-perfect tense. This is meant to show that the narrator at one point wasn't caught in traffic. Other than it being present perfect, which might not be used much, I don't see what the problem is. The little morphing into a traffic monster could certainly fit.
It's seven-thirty and I know
I chose a syllable count. The form seemed to fit the material. There are three lines that don't fit the count, and yes, the poem and I talked about this. The deviations are trying to back the meaning, though it certainly is not clear that all of the meaning is coming through.
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
The overlap of staring and forcing is intentional. Also the use of -ings is intentional. I consider this to be a narrator-focused piece and the poem is trying to stake some psychological/motivational territory. Considering that the narrator is a 'driver' stuck in traffic, I would think this piece tries to offer more here.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
This is a little riff section. Of course, some of the words could be interchanged. I'm very much a show-don't-tell writer. These are the connections that the narrator is making. The isolation of modern society is at play here, but I would think the poem is hoping for another connection that sheds some light on the narrator.
a face trapped behind the windshield,
'a face' was intentional. Yes, I am playing a little loose with the grammatical construction, but I did want the overlap of sit and face.
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
While I often alliterate very easily, the alliteration would seem to be driving how fuzzy this becomes. Set/pair...set entirely works in terms of meaning, not so sure why everyone is quickly wants to change it to 'pair'
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.
Of course, words are subject to change. Why else would I bother posting in a workshop. At some point, the two 'sometimes' and 'catch' likely will go.

I do appreciate the time people have spent reading this and commenting. At some point, I may post a revision, though I won't guarantee that will happen in a timely fashion. If you have more comments, please add some.

(08-26-2013, 11:44 AM)btrudo Wrote:  nearly everyone lives a mundane life, innit.

You know that film with Micheal Douglas? Falling down? You watched that and then you wrote this, yeah?

This is interesting commentary but not really up to the standards of serious critique. Please try to elaborate what you think works/doesn't work using specifics from the poem

/mod
[/quote]

ok, sorry about that ;o)

Please delete me, thanks.

I hope you don't walk out the door. Poetry benefits when many different people actually speak and not just tired, overly trained voices. Having said that, I do think you could elaborate, in your own words, on the strengths and weaknesses.

---

I have become caught in traffic.
This is awkwardly stated, as others have pointed out.
It's seven-thirty and I know
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so.Also awkwardly stated But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines, I like the theme of linearity, confinement, and tedium this evokes.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
I feel you here, it is the tragedy of a life wasted. I would reword this as "Survival demands the paycheck, the paycheck demands the hour, the hour demands our lives." feel free to use it or a variation (is that assuming too much of my abilities?)
a face trapped behind the windshield,
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set "Pair" would be infinitely better here
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine. I deeply admire this sentiment. Take out the first "something", it will help the flow. I too have those sondering moments

-----------------------------
Reading this, I find myself asking "What are we shielding ourselves from in our safety first society?" (I'm in the US, but in this globalized world does it really matter?). "I catch a set of eyes sealed in their own world." What a great line this is. Life is becoming more and more stratified. Added to the fact that our social networks are moving increasingly to the virtual world. There are pros and cons to "modernity," but as a species we are still working this civilization thing out. Many questions raised in this piece and I thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the comments and thoughtful questions.
This is less about society and more about the narrator, or at least, that's my reading of this.

---

Since this is supposed to be a workshop. I'm going to chime in, though I've already chimed in more than I would in a in-person workshop.

And Then I Look Away
title is meant to complete last line

I have become caught in traffic.
This literally is the correct use of present-perfect tense. This is meant to show that the narrator at one point wasn't caught in traffic. Other than it being present perfect, which might not be used much, I don't see what the problem is. The little morphing into a traffic monster could certainly fit.
It's seven-thirty and I know
I chose a syllable count. The form seemed to fit the material. There are three lines that don't fit the count, and yes, the poem and I talked about this. The deviations are trying to back the meaning, though it certainly is not clear that all of the meaning is coming through.
a half-hour later it would not be
so much so. But I keep staring,
forcing the car between the lines,
The overlap of staring and forcing is intentional. Also the use of -ings is intentional. I consider this to be a narrator-focused piece and the poem is trying to stake some psychological/motivational territory. Considering that the narrator is a 'driver' stuck in traffic, I would think this piece tries to offer more here.
because life demands the paycheck
and the paycheck demands the hour
and the hour demands that I sit,
This is a little riff section. Of course, some of the words could be interchanged. I'm very much a show-don't-tell writer. These are the connections that the narrator is making. The isolation of modern society is at play here, but I would think the poem is hoping for another connection that sheds some light on the narrator.
a face trapped behind the windshield,
'a face' was intentional. Yes, I am playing a little loose with the grammatical constructio
n, but I did want the overlap of sit and face.
caught among all these wheels and all
these shields. And sometimes I catch a set
While I often alliterate very easily, the alliteration would seem to be driving how fuzzy this becomes. Set/pair...set entirely works in terms of meaning, not so sure why everyone is quickly wants to change it to 'pair'
of eyes sealed in their own lined world.
Sometimes they also catch mine.
Of course, words are subject to change. Why else would I bother posting in a workshop. At some point, the two 'sometimes' and 'catch' likely will go.

I do appreciate the time people have spent reading this and commenting. At some point, I may post a revision, though I won't guarantee that will happen in a timely fashion. If you have more comments, please add some.

[/quote]
Only one comment. Please do not post ANY of your efforts is the workshopping forum if you accept no critique and have no intention of workshopping.
mod.

Only one comment. Please do not post ANY of your efforts is the workshopping forum if you accept no critique and have no intention of workshopping.
mod.
I have poems with which I still tinker from 10 years ago. Poetry forums can disappear (and they have) in the time it may take me to make a revision. Some poems are slowly written and then edited quickly. Some poems are quickly written and slowly edited. And some are fast and some are slow. I also firmly believe that if you rush and edit your work after you read a bunch of comments you'll probably going to hack your poem to death.

I'm also very puzzled about "accept no critique". You might want to really think about what a workshop is really about. If I read comments and see nothing that benefits the poem, does that mean I "accept no critique"? If that is the case, then I will leave.

(08-26-2013, 11:26 PM)btrudo Wrote:  Only one comment. Please do not post ANY of your efforts is the workshopping forum if you accept no critique and have no intention of workshopping.
mod.
I have poems with which I still tinker from 10 years ago. Poetry forums can disappear (and they have) in the time it may take me to make a revision. Some poems are slowly written and then edited quickly. Some poems are quickly written and slowly edited. And some are fast and some are slow. I also firmly believe that if you rush and edit your work after you read a bunch of comments you'll probably going to hack your poem to death.

I'm also very puzzled about "accept no critique". You might want to really think about what a workshop is really about. If I read comments and see nothing that benefits the poem, does that mean I "accept no critique"? If that is the case, then I will leave.

That would be considered a loss to this site but is your choice. More stay than leave.You can, of course, showcase your work in the miscellaneous forum.
Best and good luck.
mod.