First poem i have written in about 12 years so any and all feedback is much appreciated.

Slice out my soul for it is dead
Pierced with a rusty hook and hung on display.
Swing it high above my body
Selfishness and greed.

Take the needle and pierce my vein
Inject sour poison into the body.
I can feel it rotting, consuming
Bliss.

It is no longer mine but broken apart
Returning to the cosmos, decomposing.
I want to weep sorrow, regret
But I feel nothing.

Emptiness consumes the ego
No longer bound by identity.
It all melts and bubbles, swirling
Into black, reflective nothingness.

I am but cold, dark and empty
Swirling through thought, unconsciousness.
For but a moment, mere seconds that last eternity
fading from the mortal planes into oblivion.
A single tear, shed.
I’m sorry.

It has a nice frame, and looks and even feels heavy. But when you pick it up, it doesn't carry any weight.

And you forgot to do something to fading.

wow what a deep poem man, I can almost feel pain for you

(07-18-2013, 07:48 AM)jdguyb Wrote:  wow what a deep poem man, I can almost feel pain for you

the above is not feedback/admin

The pain and regret is palpable, but I think commas at the end of some of the lines would make the reader hang on those words to drag that feeling out. It is intense, but commas would slow it down and bring that out more.