"Those Old 78s".

Play oh violin through vinyl's despair.
Give your lament to the open air.
Glenn Miller's pain bursts boldly through your veins,
while a trombone crackles cold and clear,
through the mystic grace of those big band days.


Just a short little thing I wrote about 20 years ago, not meant to seriously critiqued. Basically, it's shit, but every once in awhile it's nice to post something that I truly know to be shitty, instead of being in denial, as is customary.

(07-10-2013, 07:16 AM)Vistaldust Wrote:  "Those Old 78s".

Play oh violin through vinyl's despair.
Give your lament to the open air.
Glenn Miller's pain bursts boldly through your veins,
while a trombone crackles cold and clear,
through the mystic grace of those big band days.


Just a short little thing I wrote about 20 years ago, not meant to seriously critiqued. Basically, it's shit, but every once in awhile it's nice to post something that I truly know to be shitty, instead of being in denial, as is customary.

Those big band leaders were the pin ups of their day, its not shitty, I quite like to read about reactions to music and it conveys the image of the 78 really well. but not sure about mystic and oh TOMH

it's not that bad at all. you could play around with the enjambment and see if you can make it a more inetersting read but in general i like the nostalgia of it. it's original, it has a theme, it has some decent alliteration (the V's, B's and C's,) a couple of word choice changes might also perk it up but it's a pretty solid write.

(07-10-2013, 07:16 AM)Vistaldust Wrote:  "Those Old 78s".

Play oh violin through vinyl's despair.
Give your lament to the open air.
Glenn Miller's pain bursts boldly through your veins,
while a trombone crackles cold and clear,
through the mystic grace of those big band days.


Just a short little thing I wrote about 20 years ago, not meant to seriously critiqued. Basically, it's shit, but every once in awhile it's nice to post something that I truly know to be shitty, instead of being in denial, as is customary.

Thanks guys. I'm looking up the word, "enjambment" now.

"Those Old 78s". Edit

Screech old violin
through vinyl's
despair.
Release your
lament
on the open air.

Pablo's pain bursts
boldly
through your
veins,
fasting in ears
of surrendering soles.

You released your
pain on a sinking
Titan,
before salt
etched your flesh
'neath an
ominous moon.

Now a trombone crackles,
bold in brass,
to the gentle grace
of those
Big Band days.



"Those Old 78s". Original

Play oh violin through vinyl's despair.
Give your lament to the open air.
Glenn Miller's pain bursts boldly through your veins,
while a trombone crackles cold and clear,
through the mystic grace of those big band days.

Hi Vistaldust,
I'm still new to this job but i think it is prefered to try and keep any edits together so that people can chart the progress on a poem both for interest and comparision.
I notice that you have decided to go into the mild crit threads...would you like your original post added to this one?
(I'm off site in a few moments, but I will try my hand at moving a thread when i get back just let me know which you prefer to go to novice or mild or you can pm one of the other administrators and request a move)
AJ

(07-11-2013, 02:39 AM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi Vistaldust,
I'm still new to this job but i think it is prefered to try and keep any edits together so that people can chart the progress on a poem both for interest and comparision.
I notice that you have decided to go into the mild crit threads...would you like your original post added to this one?
(I'm off site in a few moments, but I will try my hand at moving a thread when i get back just let me know which you prefer to go to novice or mild or you can pm one of the other administrators and request a move)
AJ

Hi Cidermaid. Yes, want to be able to taken a whole thread and move it from novice to mild critique. I tried to find a way to do it, but I need help in this.

Done. ( and I'm very proud of myself because i don't do IT!)

Thank you so much!