I concur with Tom now that it should be flesch. He convinced me once more. ;-)
I even think that Flesch would be wrong.

(06-25-2013, 11:41 AM)serge gurkski Wrote:  I concur with Tom now that it should be flesch. He convinced me once more. ;-)
I even think that Flesch would be wrong.

Creep.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  I think your poem begins here:

Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky. -- I don't understand your ending but I like it for some reason.
There's the two cents of a crazy man.

Original:

Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

(06-30-2013, 06:41 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.

I like this. The ending doesn't really work for me though - hearing the sky. What do skies sound like?Listen can you hear anything? No....well, that's what the last and highest note of "The Lark Ascending" sounds like. What else can it be that high...it must be the sky.

Original:

Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh. -- lovely assonance and alliteration build sonics that already enhance the subject matter -- fricatives and sibilants are perfect
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy. -- fantastic image
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways. -- the c and t sounds are a little harsh -- is there any way you could fit in "alluring" instead of "tempting" and substitute something softer for "music"?
Your tender notes will soothe the strings; -- with the t on the previous line, this is a touch too tinny -- if the previous t were replaced, the softer nd would predominate and slide into the sibilants more smoothly
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky. -- beautiful synaesthesia

leanne wrote:
"Your tender notes will soothe the strings; -- with the t on the previous line, this is a touch too tinny -- if the previous t were replaced, the softer nd would predominate and slide into the sibilants more smoothly"

but I have a different problem with that line my friend wrote here :
I agree that the line is tinny because of what it means.
Tom, it is not a good line (meaning-wise)
You are a good poet but not here.
You are not as shallow as this line.

cheers

serge (almost drunk)

Now that I think about it, cutting that line entirely would do no damage to the poem and would enhance the sonics... provided the harsher palatal and dentals of the previous line are dealt with

(06-30-2013, 07:22 AM)Leanne Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh. -- lovely assonance and alliteration build sonics that already enhance the subject matter -- fricatives and sibilants are perfect
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy. -- fantastic image
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways. -- the c and t sounds are a little harsh -- is there any way you could fit in "alluring" instead of "tempting" and substitute something softer for "music"?
Your tender notes will soothe the strings; -- with the t on the previous line, this is a touch too tinny -- if the previous t were replaced, the softer nd would predominate and slide into the sibilants more smoothly
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky. -- beautiful synaesthesia

Hi leanne, and sergei if he reads it.
You both make very sound suggestions...though the fulfillment is difficult.
I will try.
I have trouble with the X to Y to Z structure. Too many "to's". That is where I will start.
Best,
tectak

(06-30-2013, 07:48 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Now that I think about it, cutting that line entirely would do no damage to the poem and would enhance the sonics... provided the harsher palatal and dentals of the previous line are dealt with

wow!

God: i am gonna show this around to my dried out linguists. Thats so fucking brilliant a remark.
yes!
so cute.

cheers!

(06-30-2013, 05:31 PM)serge gurkski Wrote:  

(06-30-2013, 07:48 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Now that I think about it, cutting that line entirely would do no damage to the poem and would enhance the sonics... provided the harsher palatal and dentals of the previous line are dealt with

wow!

God: i am gonna show this around to my dried out linguists. Thats so fucking brilliant a remark.
yes!
so cute.

cheers!

Fuck the linguists ( Can you say that here?)...I'm gonna tell my dentist!
tectak

(06-30-2013, 06:32 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-30-2013, 05:31 PM)serge gurkski Wrote:  

(06-30-2013, 07:48 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Now that I think about it, cutting that line entirely would do no damage to the poem and would enhance the sonics... provided the harsher palatal and dentals of the previous line are dealt with

wow!
And I hate cdentists. ;-)
God: i am gonna show this around to my dried out linguists. Thats so fucking brilliant a remark.
yes!
so cute.

cheers!

Fuck the linguists ( Can you say that here?)...I'm gonna tell my dentist!
tectak

Tom, I was flirting with Leanne. ;-) I could not resist.

Serge, stop drinking now.

Tom, symphony is nice (especially as a proper noun)... it might be just me, but I think the rhythm is better as just "to Symphony's allure".

(06-30-2013, 07:10 PM)Leanne Wrote:  Serge, stop drinking now.

Tom, symphony is nice (especially as a proper noun)... it might be just me, but I think the rhythm is better as just "to Symphony's allure".

Yes.YES!

I'd probably leave it alone now if I were you

It really is lovely.

(06-30-2013, 07:15 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(06-30-2013, 07:10 PM)Leanne Wrote:  Serge, stop drinking now.

Tom, symphony is nice (especially as a proper noun)... it might be just me, but I think the rhythm is better as just "to Symphony's allure".

Yes.YES!

(haha to tom's reaction: yes that is beautiful: symphony's allure)

Leanne it would make little sense I stopped driniking before I stumble into the next lonely woman. So:be patient and just grin when you read me. )

Back to the poem and this to the poet;

Please leave the poem as is.
You yourself gave me the same advice. (recall my rabbit poem?)
Yes, of course you can better any poem.
But Tom.
qualified people like this your poem.
so let just go.


cheers my friend

---

(06-30-2013, 07:18 PM)Leanne Wrote:  I'd probably leave it alone now if I were you

It really is lovely.

yes, exactly! My thoughts.

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Edit 2

Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low and bow
to Symphony's allure. Thanks leanne.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.


Edit 1
Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.

Original:

Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I like the edits. Edit 2 is a keeper in my opinion.

(07-01-2013, 05:28 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Edit 2

Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low and bow
to Symphony's allure. Thanks leanne.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.


Edit 1
Play the violin again;
from hands that flit
let lightly slip
a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy.
Sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings;
we rise, on softly wafting wings,
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
and there I hear the sky.

Original:

Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I like the edits. Edit 2 is a keeper in my opinion.

OK. Thanks everyone. That's a wrap!
Best,
tectak

---

(06-30-2013, 07:18 PM)Leanne Wrote:  I'd probably leave it alone now if I were you

It really is lovely.

Done. Thanks again.
Best,
tectak

---

(06-24-2013, 05:03 AM)milo Wrote:  

(06-20-2013, 08:23 PM)tectak Wrote:  Play the violin again;
let hands that flit so lightly
slip a sigh.
Fold forward into flesch
and scoop the ecstasy;
sweep low to bow
to music’s tempting ways.
Your tender notes will soothe the strings,
I rise on softly wafting wings
in air so thin, bells scarcely ring,
but there I hear the sky.

Tectak
1992

I see it was written in 1992, when every poem had a "sigh" and that was ok, when "thin air" could survive in poems that weren't parodies - Kurt Cobain was a rock hero for god's sake!!

"so lightly", "so thin" - meh

"to bow to music" is one to too many (being 2 but of course preceded by into)

"I rise on softly wafting wings"? this is Jeffrey Osbourne not pearl Jam!

I like your newer stuff better but you wouldn't want to read anything I wrote in '92, that much is certain!

I didn't use the Urban Dictionary for "wafting"! Pearl Jam indeed. They're modernists!
Best,
tectak

I understand it's a wrap, but I risk the wrath of ...I dunno. Just have to say this is a beautiful piece of writing, must commend you. It's lovely.
My best,
Heart

Hi Tom: have you considered reciting this poem?
In my opinion you should.

serge

(wait please. lest I forget not:

cheers!)

(07-01-2013, 10:51 PM)Heartafire Wrote:  I understand it's a wrap, but I risk the wrath of ...I dunno. Just have to say this is a beautiful piece of writing, must commend you. It's lovely.
My best,
Heart

Thanks heart,
Missing you. Where have you been?
I got a lot of input on this one...I should have waited for yours!
Best,
tectak

---

(07-02-2013, 12:18 AM)serge gurkski Wrote:  Hi Tom: have you considered reciting this poem?
In my opinion you should.

serge

(wait please. lest I forget not:

cheers!)

Hi serge,
most of my keepable stuff gets recited sooner or later. We have some good poetry groups here, if sporadic in their meet-ups. That's how it should be....of course, it doesn't stop you reciting it...I assume you are a teutonic bass.. Nothing else would do.
Best,
tectak