Posts: 8
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2013
Shot, shot, shot
"I love you guys"
Drink, drank, drunk
Fall in love tonight
Naked bodies press
Whispered "you were my first"
You're gone
It's so dark
I'm so cold
Makeup running
Faded smile
Where's my shirt
I'm crying
Wiped tears
Shot, shot, shot
Smashed bottle
I'm bleeding
and screaming
"Why don't you love me?"
You're so scared
I'm falling
I need help
You're gone
Shot, shot, shot
"I love you"
Posts: 342
Threads: 206
Joined: May 2013
this feels like most nights on tour. i hate to be personal with poem posts but
1. needs periods
2. awesome meter
3. great rhythm
4. needs less (shots) BANG
5. good job.
6. buy me a drink?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-12-2013, 03:57 AM)AllisonBangert Wrote: Shot, shot, shot
"I love you guys"
Drink, drank, drunk
Fall in love tonight
Naked bodies press
Whispered "you were my first"
You're gone
It's so dark
I'm so cold
Makeup running
Faded smile
Where's my shirt
I'm crying
Wiped tears
Shot, shot, shot
Smashed bottle
I'm bleeding
and screaming
"Why don't you love me?"
You're so scared
I'm falling
I need help
You're gone
Shot, shot, shot
"I love you"
The terse lines aren't working. Try using a meter or rhyme scheme maybe. I think when it comes to poetry you have to consider sound and sense. The sense, what your saying here, really isn't anything unique and the sound is not like a song. Some may claim that sense matters more than sound but I'm not so sure. Do our favorite songs just sound good or do we care about the lyrics? Note that not all poems are lyrical.
