Posts: 23
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2013
Running along side mountains
my childhood was free,
for me.
Sun kissed
brown face born from
Africa,
heart of the womb.
Mother,
you are my land, future,
my hope...
to read fertile words and
rich stories of playing in trees.
Mother said
Amen
be unafraid and unashamed
to run alongside mountains
while the sun is at your crown.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-06-2013, 02:45 PM)philoinlove Wrote: Running along side mountains
my childhood was free,
for me.
Sun kissed
brown face born from
Africa,
heart of the womb. - Some may say there are some anatomical issues here.
Mother,
you are my land, future,
my hope...
to read fertile words and - I like this idea as all words are symbolic I ask you to think of what these words refer to.
rich stories of playing in trees.
Mother said
Amen
be unafraid and unashamed
to run alongside mountains
while the sun is at your crown.
It seems that the earth has often been personified as feminine. I believe I Ching made the earth female and the wind male... Life is also supposed to have started in Africa, whether or not all language comes from Africa or not seems debatable. If you are religious the bible contains many stories, myths, and metaphors that can be used in poetry.
nomadpenguin
Unregistered
(06-06-2013, 02:45 PM)philoinlove Wrote: Running along side mountains
my childhood was free,
for me. The line break here is just a bit awkward
Sun kissed
brown face born from
Africa,
heart of the womb.
Mother,
you are my land, future, Consider adding "my" in front of "future", it may help the flow a bit.
my hope...
to read fertile words and It's kinda hard to tell who the speaker is starting from here. Maybe you could add quotation marks or something to indicate which lines are the mother's words.
rich stories of playing in trees.
Mother said
Amen
be unafraid and unashamed
to run alongside mountains
while the sun is at your crown.
All in all, a pretty good poem! Just try to work on the flow a little more.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(06-06-2013, 02:45 PM)philoinlove Wrote: Running along side mountains
my childhood was free,
for me.
Sun kissed
brown face born from
Africa,
heart of the womb.
Mother,
you are my land, future,
my hope...
to read fertile words and
rich stories of playing in trees.
Mother said
Amen
be unafraid and unashamed
to run alongside mountains
while the sun is at your crown.
I would trim 'for me'
Sun kissed is cliche
I see someone mentioned 'heart of the womb' already
The elipsis comes across as disjointed and doesn't cover up the weird grammar of 'my hope to read . . .'
I think you have a good idea for a poem here, maybe restructure your lines with a thought toward natural language and grammar
Thanks for posting, good luck with it
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-07-2013, 07:51 AM)milo Wrote: (06-06-2013, 02:45 PM)philoinlove Wrote: Running along side mountains
my childhood was free,
for me.
Sun kissed
brown face born from
Africa,
heart of the womb.
Mother,
you are my land, future,
my hope...
to read fertile words and
rich stories of playing in trees.
Mother said
Amen
be unafraid and unashamed
to run alongside mountains
while the sun is at your crown.
I would trim 'for me'
Sun kissed is cliche
I see someone mentioned 'heart of the womb' already
The elipsis comes across as disjointed and doesn't cover up the weird grammar of 'my hope to read . . .'
I think you have a good idea for a poem here, maybe restructure your lines with a thought toward natural language and grammar
Thanks for posting, good luck with it
You might just be the essence of Post Modern Milo On one hand your quoting Chomsky on the other your gettting sucked off in trailer parks... Sorry philo
