across my doorstep
blackbird's haphazard attempt
at building a nest,
I've offered my assistance
rejection is her refrain

=============================================

on reaching my tree
I informed people nearby
"I am happy monkey!"
soon after we were alone
just me, tree and Simian

(05-23-2013, 06:11 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  

across my doorstep
blackbird's haphazard attempt
at building a nest, -- I would be more specific with this imageryI've offered my assistance
rejection is her refrain -- I would represent the bird's rejection in a sort of action

on reaching my tree
I informed people nearby
"I am happy monkey!"
soon after we were alone
just me, tree and Simian -- well I like the repetition of sound here

Don't understand this poem. My mind hasn't been working so good today so maybe thats why. I would ask what your intent with this piece is?

Hi Brownlie,
Thanks for reading and commenting, this was first attempt at writing Tanka a form of Japanese verse, it's actually two separate poems but I understand why you thought it might be one, I will change the title to Two Tanka.
It's just experimentation at the moment, its a bit like Haiku but with a chance to be more expressive, hence the madness of the second one.
For tanka its 5 lines and 5-7-5-7-7 syllable structure which I know people will say is not necessary in modern tanka, but it's the only chance I get at having any structure in my life
I'll take a look at the first poem again regarding your suggestions.
Thanks again.
AR