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(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe.
one last time,
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading Alice
I won't ever see
You again.
"Time is irrelevant
Alice; is off,
to the land of
the undead."
It's ok.
Your just off
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
You have a lot of spelling mistakes in there. And one word that might be the wrong word. But then again, you might have done it on purpose. Have you?
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(05-22-2013, 02:45 AM)Bunx Wrote: mild crit but important.
breathe. Begin with a capital letter. They are free.
one last time, begin with a capital letter BUT only because it is a new sentence.
your awake now. you're. Your is possessive. Your poem
"Doctor, whats the time" What's the time. It means "what is". A question...end the line with a question mark
Your fading Alice you're. So it wasn't a typo. You need a punctuation mark after "Alice" A semi colon would make a suitable pause
I won't ever see
you again.
"Time is irreverent Totally the wrong word. You mean "irrelevant". If you do not know what a word means do not use it...or better, look up the right word.
Alice is off,
to the land of
thee undead." the. Not thee.
shh babe, it is ok Full stop. Otherwise you have written " shh babe, it is ok your (you're!) just off..." Makes no sense. Punctuation is not your strength
your just off
to wonderland.
your alright. Capital letter on "you're"
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH" Suggest an exclamation mark after doctor. That is what it is for. Don't overuse exclamation marks, though!!!!!
first day on the forum. having alot of fun being apart of this community. thanks for the patience.
Hi bunx and welcome. I don't normally visit this forum and may never do so again
Look, you have a poor grasp of language but that is unimportant as you expect to improve; otherwise you would not be on this site. This is a commitment verse. You knew where it was going from the start. This is a luxury. Once you have your poem check it before posting it. In this forum the crits are considerate and helpful, but you are expected to improve by your own efforts. Edit this one before someone nasty sees it then repost it. Bit by bit it will work its way up the ladder. Have a good trip.
Best,
tectak
PS. First breath, surely.
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It's like being back at school.
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yes! i have not been in school since highschool. tectak thanks for the comb over
(05-22-2013, 03:58 AM)Bunx Wrote: yes! i have not been in school in highschool. tectak thanks for the comb over took your advice tect. hopefully you come on here again! you have helped me out alot!
Rowens-
Not sure about the word your talking about. assuming it is you're. You're assumption would be correct. thanks for the read
(05-22-2013, 03:53 AM)Mad Matt Wrote: It's like being back at school.
indeed. school? what? university? hogwash! tech school..maybe! rock and roll absurdity
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
I meant irreverent. Maybe you spelled things wrong out of irreverence.
I fixed something I wrote one time out of reverence into irreverence. But only one time.
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reverence pertaining to a form of holiness i'm assuming?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
I think religions are as flaky as women. And women are as numerous as a woman. And all women are holey.
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hahahaha, truths bombs reigning down upon holy scrapping sexy ladies. oh holes are everywhere.
i consider myself raised in a religious school. so i'm a recovering catholic school victim
(05-22-2013, 02:45 AM)Bunx Wrote: Breathe.
one last time,
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading Alice
I won't ever see
You again.
"Time is irrelevant
Alice; is off,
to the land of
the undead."
it is ok
Your just off
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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FYI, "First Breath After Coma" is a cool song by a band called "Explosions in the Sky." Did you know that? Here's the link:
please stop putting vid links in the three workshop forums, leave leave feedback/comments but not links./admin
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(05-22-2013, 04:31 AM)Bunx Wrote: hahahaha, truths bombs reigning down upon holy scrapping sexy ladies. oh holes are everywhere.
i consider myself raised in a religious school. so i'm a recovering catholic school victim
(05-22-2013, 02:45 AM)Bunx Wrote: Breathe.As you insist on indicating your aversion to correct syntax by still avoiding protocol...capital to follow full stop...try a semicolon after "breathe;"
one last time, Full stop here or no capital on the "you're", next line. Come on. It's not difficult
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading Alice "You're fading, Alice. I won't ever see you again." Otherwise her name is "fading Alice"
I won't ever see
You again. Why the capital here? See the version above.
"Time is irrelevant
Alice; is off, Now you are taking the piss! "Time is irrelevant. Alice is off to the land of the undead." ...which is where I am going if there is any more of this nonsense
to the land of
the undead."
it is okFull stop
Your just offAAARRGGHHH! YOU'RE. It means YOU ARE. "YOUR" is possessive as in YOUR POEM. Try not to repeat word/word groups unintentionally (and correct the thing if you do) . You used "Alice is off..." in the previous stanza.
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"OK Much improved but you let yourself down by carelessness. You think this is like school? Not at all. Here you can ignore advice completely. You will still be wrong...but you can go home happy.
Best,
la fin
tectak
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
;-) I thought this was mild critique, tec?! I love: Fading Alice. that's sooo emo.
(05-22-2013, 04:23 AM)rowens Wrote: I think religions are as flaky as women. And women are as numerous as a woman. And all women are holey.
I think "hol ey" got lost on'em. ;-)
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Joined: May 2013
I did know that! i saw them live and missoula, as well as mogwai!
(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe;
one last time
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading, Alice
I won't ever see
us again.
"Time is irrelevant.
Alice is off
to the land of
the undead."
it is ok.
Your just off
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
hmm how bouts this one tect? i took you're suggestions and added us!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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Joined: Dec 2009
tom/mild crit only please.
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(05-22-2013, 09:36 AM)Bunx Wrote: I did know that! i saw them live and missoula, as well as mogwai!
(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe;
one last timefull stop
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading, Alicefull stop
I won't ever see
us again.huh? Us?...but maybe subtle
"Time is irrelevant.Why the quotes? Is this narrative? Who says it?
Alice is off
to the land of
the undead."
it is ok.Capital letter to start a sentence
Your just offYOU'RE. YOUR is possesive as in YOUR POEM
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
hmm how bouts this one tect? i took you're suggestions and added us!
Much, much, much better!
This is now expressive.
So am I.
Sorry.
Best,
tectak
(05-22-2013, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: tom/mild crit only please. I tried billy, believe me I tried. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I'm going back to serious!
Mind you, he seemed to like it 
Best,
tectak
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-22-2013, 08:30 PM)tectak Wrote: (05-22-2013, 09:36 AM)Bunx Wrote: I did know that! i saw them live and missoula, as well as mogwai!
(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe;
one last timefull stop
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading, Alicefull stop
I won't ever see
us again.huh? Us?...but maybe subtle
"Time is irrelevant.Why the quotes? Is this narrative? Who says it?
Alice is off
to the land of
the undead."
it is ok.Capital letter to start a sentence
Your just offYOU'RE. YOUR is possesive as in YOUR POEM
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
hmm how bouts this one tect? i took you're suggestions and added us!
Much, much, much better!
This is now expressive.
So am I.
Sorry.
Best,
tectak
(05-22-2013, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: tom/mild crit only please. I tried billy, believe me I tried. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I'm going back to serious!
Mind you, he seemed to like it
Best,
tectak
a self-made trap
Becuz of all the punctuation frenzy hailing down 'pon us as of late I but couldn't refrain from misread this almost promising title of a would- be-may-be-poem as " last break after comma" and I blame that generously on no one named.
The poem as it is possibly supposed to be meant to be to some but not me could carry
some spurious meaning to please who exactly again bc the reader imaginary could not have been implied or i need even more pills to get
it?
cheers anyway
no harm done and peace to everyone
I like dada massacres like this more than i could or care to say
;-)
serge i think
(still don't wanna go to that clinic again:
go away! leave me alone!)
Ok, once you grow up, do not hesitate to inform me about how beautiful life now is to you,
just as if I was supposed to care
etc
And how someone like Tom could ever get into this, I will never get. ;-)
And, in addition, refuse to try to understand when it is all open ad oculos at first glance, but ok: you're not me.
I'll taciturn now...
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ok, sorry about the videos i put on here. i thought i put them in the music section. i apologize though
Billy, why? haha this is just for fun. i have not put anything I did for AP English on here. Most of the things I have posted on here on exercises to get better at la poetry. i don't take this very seriously unless someone drops my Dad's name/the creator of facebook.om
serge/tect thanks for the help and the comments. lol the fact that you know my dads name is alright with me.
(05-22-2013, 08:30 PM)tectak Wrote: (05-22-2013, 09:36 AM)Bunx Wrote: I did know that! i saw them live and missoula, as well as mogwai!
(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe;
one last timefull stop
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading, Alicefull stop
I won't ever see
us again.huh? Us?...but maybe subtle
"Time is irrelevant.Why the quotes? Is this narrative? Who says it?
Alice is off
to the land of
the undead."
it is ok.Capital letter to start a sentence
Your just offYOU'RE. YOUR is possesive as in YOUR POEM
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
hmm how bouts this one tect? i took you're suggestions and added us!
Much, much, much better!
This is now expressive.
So am I.
Sorry.
Best,
tectak
(05-22-2013, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: tom/mild crit only please. I tried billy, believe me I tried. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I'm going back to serious!
Mind you, he seemed to like it
Best,
tectak
Here is this
(First) Breath after coma.
Breathe.
one last time,
You're awake now.
"Doctor, what's the time?"
You're fading Alice
I won't ever see
You again.
"Time is irrelevant
Alice; is off,
to the land of
the undead."
It's ok.
Your just off
to wonderland.
You're alright.
"DOCTOR WE GOT A BREATH!"
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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