This is the first poem I have ever written. I am totally new to poetry and never considered myself the type to create poetry, but I sat down at a keyboard and this poem happened.

Retro-Futuristic (Revision Four)

Dear Seth,
What exactly happened to you?
What happened to your life?
You should have had these thoughts long ago,
But you thought they would hurt.

This is your wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
To reach out to those who could see.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
Can't you tell?
Did you not notice the fight
Between you and I?

You made it that way.
You hid the things nobody could know about.
You cut off the line to the ones I cared about.
You closed my eyes
That cloudy spring day, and told me
I was done crying.
I was done grieving.
I'd go on with your life,
Pretend nothing happened.
And in the summer when you told me
Nobody could know
About who you really were.
I finally became you.

I shouldn't have to make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the halls
As you closed the locker door
You could put a towel on the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know you'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again?
How long does this call have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Can you remember you? Or when will you?
Because you were me.
And I am you.
And right now,
You're hanging up.


Retro-Futuristic (Revision Three)



Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should 
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

This is your wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
To reach out to those who could see.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
Can't you tell? 
Did you not notice the fight
Between you and I?

And you made it that way.
When you hid the things nobody could know about.
When you cut off the line to the ones I cared about.
When you closed my eyes
On that cloudy spring day, and told me
That I was done crying.
That I was done grieving.
That I'd go on with your life,
And pretend nothing happened.
And in the summer when you told me
Nobody could know
About who you really were.

I shouldn't have to make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the halls
As you closed the locker door
You could put a towel on the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know you'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again?
How long does this call have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Can you remember you? Or when will you?
Because you were me.
And I am you.
And right now,
You're hanging up.


Retro-Futuristic (Revision Two)

Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

This is your wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
To reach out to those who could see.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
Can't you tell?
Did you not notice the fight
Between you and I?
And you made it that way.
When you hid the things nobody could know about.
When you cut off the line to the ones I cared about.

I shouldn't have to make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the halls
As you closed the locker door
You could put a towel on the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know you'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again?
How long does this call have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Can you remember you? Or when will you?
Because you were me.
And I am you.
And right now,
You're hanging up.


Retro-Futuristic (Original)

Dear Seth
What the heck exactly happened to you?
You were young.
You were good.
Life was good.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts go
long ago
Maybe so
But you thought it would hurt.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
Except to keep on pulling the trigger
on your life.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
Yeah,
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
And you made it that way.

This is your
Wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

I shouldn't have to
Make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the hallway
As you closed the locker door
You can put a towel
On the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know
You'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again
How long does this call
Have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Do you remember you?
Or when will you?
Because you were me
And I am you
And right now
You're hanging up.

Dear Seth
What the heck exactly happened to you?
You were young.
You were good.
Life was good.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts go
long ago
Maybe so
But you though it would hurt.

You missed the last t in thought


And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
Except to keep on pulling the trigger
on your life.

They
Were
There!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
Yeah,
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
And you made it that way.

This
Is
Your
Wakeup call
And yeah it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

I shouldn't have to
Make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the hallway
As you closed the locker door
You can put a towel
On the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know
You'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again
How long does this call
Have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Do you remember you?
Or when will you?
Because you were me
And I am you
And right now
You're hanging up.

Do you want to write poems? Or was this just a one time thing? It could be fixed up some, dressed up like a poem. Or it can work as a fragment from a journal, if that's all you want. There are a few things about it that you could work into a poem: the main theme, the phone call, the towel on the vent.

Thanks for the helpful feedback. I can't believe I missed that "t"! Spell check should have caught that.
I am totally new to this, and I'd like to write more. I know barely anything about poetry structure. Do you have any tips on giving it a more formal structure? I guess I feel daunted, as this is such a vast world I've stumbled into.

Any feedback, tips, or criticisms are greatly welcomed!

It's hard to say with something like this one. First you could see if anything feels excessive to you, and take it out. Leave the rest more concentrated.

(05-22-2013, 06:10 AM)rowens Wrote:  It's hard to say with something like this one. First you could see if anything feels excessive to you, and take it out. Leave the rest more concentrated.

Do you think this should rhyme? I'm not sure if I'd like it to.

I am taking out unnecessary words and concentrating it like you suggested.

Should I post revisions in this thread?

Put revisions at the top, above the first version. You can do whatever you want with your poem. Usually people just say: Read lots of poetry, and try out the things that work the best for you.

I'll start with what works well for me -

I like the extended metaphor of the 'wake-up call' (though some might call it cliche). It adds some understanding and flow to the poem, it's personally the best bit.

In a lot of parts, the speech sounds natural. It doesn't sound too forced and gives it a kind of personal, parent-like telling off. This may not have been what you intended but it certainly works well.

What would improve it:

Though I am terrible at line breaks myself, they're erratic and don't make sense. If you're having trouble knowing when to move on to the next line, start off with writing in a form (as that dictates when your line ends, and can help develop your writing skills without this added trouble).


A lot is said, but nothing is explained. Take these three lines:

Excuse me if I sound harsh. (This line is alright).
Because life is harsh. (It is? Tell me how it is harsh for you. What happened? How? What did you feel?)
And you made it that way. (Was this because of the unexplained incidents?)

It is very hard to visualise anything because there is nothing being vividly described. The meaning is pretty clear of what is happening, but there's no emotional link to this character because the reader cannot relate - in turn because you haven't told us what really happened.

I know it's novice, I hope you don't mind the detailed feedback. Happy revising

(05-22-2013, 06:38 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  I'll start with what works well for me -

I like the extended metaphor of the 'wake-up call' (though some might call it cliche). It adds some understanding and flow to the poem, it's personally the best bit.

In a lot of parts, the speech sounds natural. It doesn't sound too forced and gives it a kind of personal, parent-like telling off. This may not have been what you intended but it certainly works well.

What would improve it:

Though I am terrible at line breaks myself, they're erratic and don't make sense. If you're having trouble knowing when to move on to the next line, start off with writing in a form (as that dictates when your line ends, and can help develop your writing skills without this added trouble).


A lot is said, but nothing is explained. Take these three lines:

Excuse me if I sound harsh. (This line is alright).
Because life is harsh. (It is? Tell me how it is harsh for you. What happened? How? What did you feel?)
And you made it that way. (Was this because of the unexplained incidents?)

It is very hard to visualise anything because there is nothing being vividly described. The meaning is pretty clear of what is happening, but there's no emotional link to this character because the reader cannot relate - in turn because you haven't told us what really happened.

I know it's novice, I hope you don't mind the detailed feedback. Happy revising

Thanks so much for the feedback! Specific details are very helpful.

I'm writing up a new revision now!

Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

What you have isn't bad. It sounds all right. But when you think about what it's saying, there still feels like some excess.
This is just another idea you might can go on:


Dear Seth,

What happened to you?
What happened to your life?
You should have had these thoughts long ago;
but you thought they would hurt.
And they do...

(05-22-2013, 08:40 AM)rowens Wrote:  Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

What you have isn't bad. It sounds all right. But when you think about what it's saying, there still feels like some excess.
This is just another idea you might can go on:


Dear Seth,

What happened to you?
What happened to your life?
You should have had these thoughts long ago;
but you thought they would hurt.
And they do...

Wow! I love that! I'm going to do something like this in my newest revision. Thanks a bunch!

you said;

This is the first poem I have written.
I'm totally new to poetry
never considered myself the type to create poetry,
but I sat at a keyboard and this poem happened.

you could easily use the intro as a stanza if wanted. sometimes intro's taint the poem as to how we'd see and understand it.

and
when
when
when
on
that
that
that
and
and
from the 5th stanza, none of them are needed, they weaken the poem. there are more non essential words than need removing as well

But at this very moment

lines like the above aren't needed there are more.

you're doing a solid job with the edit. from start till this edit it's done nothing but improve. i gaurentee you if you can remove the dead weight you'll have a good poem on your hands that may need a final polish.
well done with workshopping it. in fact excellently done.

(05-21-2013, 11:22 PM)seth.meyers Wrote:  This is the first poem I have ever written. I am totally new to poetry and never considered myself the type to create poetry, but I sat down at a keyboard and this poem happened.


It's called "Retro-Futuristic" because it talks about my past self encountering my present self. It is written from my point of view several years ago, looking at myself now. I wanted to express how my expectations of what I'd be when I grew older did not match the reality of who I am now. And that can hurt sometimes.


Retro-Futuristic (Revision Three)



Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should 
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

This is your wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
To reach out to those who could see.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
Can't you tell? 
Did you not notice the fight
Between you and I?

And you made it that way.
When you hid the things nobody could know about.
When you cut off the line to the ones I cared about.
When you closed my eyes
On that cloudy spring day, and told me
That I was done crying.
That I was done grieving.
That I'd go on with your life,
And pretend nothing happened.
And in the summer when you told me
Nobody could know
About who you really were.

I shouldn't have to make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the halls
As you closed the locker door
You could put a towel on the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know you'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again?
How long does this call have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Can you remember you? Or when will you?
Because you were me.
And I am you.
And right now,
You're hanging up.


Retro-Futuristic (Revision Two)

Dear Seth
What exactly happened to you?
You were young. You were good.
Life was made for you.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts out long ago
But you thought it would hurt.

This is your wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
To reach out to those who could see.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
Can't you tell?
Did you not notice the fight
Between you and I?
And you made it that way.
When you hid the things nobody could know about.
When you cut off the line to the ones I cared about.

I shouldn't have to make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the halls
As you closed the locker door
You could put a towel on the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know you'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again?
How long does this call have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Can you remember you? Or when will you?
Because you were me.
And I am you.
And right now,
You're hanging up.


Retro-Futuristic (Original)

Dear Seth
What the heck exactly happened to you?
You were young.
You were good.
Life was good.
And you probably should
have let your thoughts go
long ago
Maybe so
But you thought it would hurt.

And dear Seth
It's like I never really knew you
Trying to tell me nobody saw through you?
I did.
We did.
And you didn't lift a finger
Except to keep on pulling the trigger
on your life.

They were there!
They would've saved you
But you ignored them
Tried to do it on your own.
Yeah,
How'd that work out for you?
Excuse me if I sound harsh.
Because life is harsh.
And you made it that way.

This is your
Wakeup call
And it may go away
You might try to drown it
But at this very moment
Don't you realize?
You found it.

I shouldn't have to
Make these things clear
You knew them all along
But you left them lost in the hallway
As you closed the locker door
You can put a towel
On the air vent
In the usual ways
But one day soon you know
You'll suffocate.

How much will it take
Before you can break down again
How long does this call
Have to keep ringing?
And what I want to know is
Do you remember you?
Or when will you?
Because you were me
And I am you
And right now
You're hanging up.

You can say something, make a new reply, when you have a new revision. So people will see it.

(05-23-2013, 03:56 AM)rowens Wrote:  You can say something, make a new reply, when you have a new revision. So people will see it.

OK, I'll remember that. I'm still learning my way around here.

I'm working on Revision Five right now. I will reply when it's done.

Hi Seth,

I still remember how it was when I first started writing, so I know exactly where your coming from. As a first piece this actually a pretty great start (Much better than my first piece). There are some clichés like "your wake up call", and "How long does this call have to be ringing" but that'll go away soon as you get more experienced or simply just look out for them in in your revisions. You do have lots of potential and I'd like to see you progress, and this is just me throwing this out there, but once you get more of a hang on poetry, the retro-futuristic concept would make an interesting poem, if you ever have interest in this again.

Best of luck to you
-James

(05-24-2013, 07:05 AM)James Wrote:  Hi Seth,

I still remember how it was when I first started writing, so I know exactly where your coming from. As a first piece this actually a pretty great start (Much better than my first piece). There are some clichés like "your wake up call", and "How long does this call have to be ringing" but that'll go away soon as you get more experienced or simply just look out for them in in your revisions. You do have lots of potential and I'd like to see you progress, and this is just me throwing this out there, but once you get more of a hang on poetry, the retro-futuristic concept would make an interesting poem, if you ever have interest in this again.

Best of luck to you
-James

Thanks for the encouragement. This poem is based on real life, so I'm not sure if I can think of a better way to describe it than "wakeup call". I am finishing Revision Five and will hopefully have it up later today.

I was going to post Revision Five today. Unfortunately, the file was accidentally deleted. So I'm starting Rev Five again.