The Play

The iron rich sting still strong in my mouth,

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.

As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

Pupiles fully dialated, bloodied fists balled up tight,

Mentally taking notes of this beautifully horrific sight.

In disgust ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

But I realize, in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly magnifecent play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses. Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by hatchet and plunge it into her

The sight of that warm crimson nectar made me foam at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eager to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy your last first date?"

(05-21-2013, 11:16 AM)brianbui1337 Wrote:  The poem is a clear, concise story that keeps me intrigued until the end, where I was slightly confused. Was it meant to be comical?

Yes, my original was very dark with a not so pleasant ending... It wasn't meant to be comical at first but I don't necsecarrly like people seeing the dark side of my thoughts so I kind of wanted to flip it at the end to make it not so heavy.

---

(05-21-2013, 11:16 AM)brianbui1337 Wrote:  The poem is a clear, concise story that keeps me intrigued until the end, where I was slightly confused. Was it meant to be comical?

Thanks for the input and you questioning if it was meant to be comical makes me think it's only a funny twist to me.... I wanted to pull people in with dark imagery and surprise them at the end.. But I guess that didn't happen. Thanks again

The Play

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

the almost lifeless body sprawled across the couch.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.

As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

(05-21-2013, 11:16 AM)brianbui1337 Wrote:  The poem is a clear, concise story that keeps me intrigued until the end, where I was slightly confused. Was it meant to be comical?

This is the original...



The Play

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.

As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

You should put all the versions in one thread in one critique section, so nobody moves them.

(05-22-2013, 06:29 AM)rowens Wrote:  You should put all the versions in one thread in one critique section, so nobody moves them.

I don't mean to sound dumb... But I've never done something like this and I don't know what your telling me to so haha sorry. I will figure it all out eventually

Just copy and paste both versions and any revised versions into the first post you did by editing that first post. Since the Mild section has comments, you could do that one.

---

No this one has comments. Not the Mild.

---

Now the Serious has a comment too. Oh well.

(05-22-2013, 04:59 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote:  The Play

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth, <<< that sounds good but … are you referring to the taste of the sting here? If so – with iron being a metal – the phrase is slightly redundant. Alternatively one could write: this sting of steel ... Otherwise: good opening line (medias in res)

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch. <<< „seemingly“ gives it away and is not very sexy as a word. The construction of this first sentence is unusual. It is not strictly grammatical, but because this a poem, I will read it as elliptic. The elliptic element (the one missing) is the verb connecting the first with the second clause. Because of the content of the poem with its juggling between perspectives, it makes sense to me. If you want to go grammatical, insert a verb after “sting“ in the first clause and end line 1 with a full stop.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur, <<< this and the next line: another incomplete sentence.

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard. <<< Ok again, if intended for effect.

As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

Welcome Ryan,

I started a line by line but it would take too long to go through it. Not because your text is bad but rather because there is too much one can say about it. So, let me summarize:

I like it. I am not quite sure if it is a poem or a prose piece. For me personally, that is not too important. The content made it worth the read. There are some nits with I vs i in some lines and next to last line should end with a colon, direct speech in lat line should start with a majuscule ( a D). stuff like that. But I am not even a good copy editor of my own stuff, so I will leave the job to you or other critics.

Here, e.g.

" Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, ...!

Why the full stop after "senses"? etc.

Here (as to content):

"So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact."
I would throw out the middle clause, because the reader has noticed that already by now. ,-) the whole line
I would throw out the whole line , was it not for the possibilty of irony (intact sanity), hopefully intended by you.

The eggar is interesting ( a ref to The Silence of the Lambs).

One last word: The I/she switching is not really consistent logically, but I get why you did that on narratological and psychological grounds. The logical problem is that you (the I of the poem) occur twice as the victim persona: 1. person comes it to sensations, 3. person when you invoke these sensations (by inflicting pain upon yourself . ,-)

Enjoyed the read

cheers
serge

---

Just noticed you spread it all over the place. Fitting the content but maybe a tad confusing in the long run. ,-)

(05-22-2013, 06:37 AM)rowens Wrote:  Just copy and paste both versions and any revised versions into the first post you did by editing that first post. Since the Mild section has comments, you could do that one.

---

No this one has comments. Not the Mild.

---

Now the Serious has a comment too. Oh well.

Haha. Thank you so much I appreciate the help

I love the first 8 lines. That's the best bit of the poem for me. I think that it slips past that - it rambles on too much for my liking. Read it again, and cut out what doesn't add to the reader's understanding. Be harsh. You have really good foundations for a great poem, I'd like to see an edit

I couldn't resist attempting it myself quickly, this is just what I think should be left after cutting.

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
I calm myself,I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
I question how I could complete such a monstrous act.
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that -
an act.
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
But most importantly I am the audience
gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
As I regain my faculties a sense of remorse sets in.
So I unbind the woman, turn and walk away.

The most simple thing to do is post a poem in one section: Serious, Mild, whatever. And if you revise it, post the new version above the original version.

Or if you already have two versions of the first post, put them both in the first post.

So nothing gets moved or removed. And so the comments are all in one place.

(05-22-2013, 06:51 AM)rowens Wrote:  The most simple thing to do is post a poem in one section: Serious, Mild, whatever. And if you revise it, post the new version above the original version.

Or if you already have two versions of the first post, put them both in the first post.

So nothing gets moved or removed. And so the comments are all in one place.

Yeah I really screwed up... I appreciate you helping me out. Won't happen again. Now I have multiple versions scattered all over and it's frustrating.

---

Thanks so much for taking a the time to read.. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!! I did start to ramble a bit but if you read the original version it kinda makes sense because the guy is clearly crazy and in my mind rambling kinda shows that. I really am flattered that you would even take the time to restructure my poem an I must say... I do love your version. thanks again and if you want to read the original (which is pretty dark) it's on this thread in a reply to someone.

Thanks again!
Ryan

They're both in this thread, so I'll pick out a few errors in one version.

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.


frantically


As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

The "had" here might need to be considered.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

And the tense is a little slippy here.

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

Don't really need "of".


And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

And the period here

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,


Do you want a comma or a period? Do you want the next line's "But" to start with a capital letter?

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Punctuation here?

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

"lighting" or lightning?

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

Punctuation?

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

You can make nearby one word. And no punctuation here and in the next line?

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

No period?

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

I


Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.


While I've seen "exhale" used as a noun before, exhalation is normally used. And is it eager?

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

Staring

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

your


If there are other problems, I'll look for them again later.

(05-22-2013, 06:39 AM)serge gurkski Wrote:  

(05-22-2013, 04:59 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote:  The Play

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth, <<< that sounds good but … are you referring to the taste of the sting here? If so – with iron being a metal – the phrase is slightly redundant. Alternatively one could write: this sting of steel ... Otherwise: good opening line (medias in res)

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch. <<< „seemingly“ gives it away and is not very sexy as a word. The construction of this first sentence is unusual. It is not strictly grammatical, but because this a poem, I will read it as elliptic. The elliptic element (the one missing) is the verb connecting the first with the second clause. Because of the content of the poem with its juggling between perspectives, it makes sense to me. If you want to go grammatical, insert a verb after “sting“ in the first clause and end line 1 with a full stop.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur, <<< this and the next line: another incomplete sentence.

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard. <<< Ok again, if intended for effect.

As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

Welcome Ryan,

I started a line by line but it would take too long to go through it. Not because your text is bad but rather because there is too much one can say about it. So, let me summarize:

I like it. I am not quite sure if it is a poem or a prose piece. For me personally, that is not too important. The content made it worth the read. There are some nits with I vs i in some lines and next to last line should end with a colon, direct speech in lat line should start with a majuscule ( a D). stuff like that. But I am not even a good copy editor of my own stuff, so I will leave the job to you or other critics.

Here, e.g.

" Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, ...!

Why the full stop after "senses"? etc.

Here (as to content):

"So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact."
I would throw out the middle clause, because the reader has noticed that already by now. ,-) the whole line
I would throw out the whole line , was it not for the possibilty of irony (intact sanity), hopefully intended by you.

The eggar is interesting ( a ref to The Silence of the Lambs).

One last word: The I/she switching is not really consistent logically, but I get why you did that on narratological and psychological grounds. The logical problem is that you (the I of the poem) occur twice as the victim persona: 1. person comes it to sensations, 3. person when you invoke these sensations (by inflicting pain upon yourself . ,-)

Enjoyed the read

cheers
serge

---

Just noticed you spreaded it all over the place. Fitting the content but maybe a tad confusing in the long run. ,-)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read... I should probably refrain from posting in this section until I hone my writing. This is my first "poem" I've written sense middle school and I really enjoyed writing it so I wanted to see what people thought and if I should continue writing and posting. I'm horrid with grammar (as I'm sure you can tell) so all your pointers really help! Thanks again

---

(05-22-2013, 07:34 AM)rowens Wrote:  They're both in this thread, so I'll pick out a few errors in one version.

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.

Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.


frantically


As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.

The "had" here might need to be considered.

This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

And the tense is a little slippy here.

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

Don't really need "of".


And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

And the period here

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,


Do you want a comma or a period? Do you want the next line's "But" to start with a capital letter?

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.

For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood

Punctuation here?

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.

"lighting" or lightning?

As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

Punctuation?

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her

You can make nearby one word. And no punctuation here and in the next line?

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch

No period?

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

I


Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.


While I've seen "exhale" used as a noun before, exhalation is normally used. And is it eager?

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

Staring

"did you enjoy you're last first date?"

your


If there are other problems, I'll look for them again later.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. After looking at your corrections I couldn't believe what all that I had missed. Lighting?? Hahaha many thanks

definitely keep writing and posting, maybe for the next one use the mild forum, or novice, both are still workshop forums but done a few steps at a time instead of a bombardment of feedback.

(05-22-2013, 10:49 AM)billy Wrote:  definitely keep writing and posting, maybe for the next one use the mild forum, or novice, both are still workshop forums but done a few steps at a time instead of a bombardment of feedback.

I couldn't agree more haha.. I had no business posting on serious.. But it was great feedback nonetheless! Thanks

let me know which one you want and i'll delete the rest or do it by yourself

---

oops. see you already sorted it out

the reason for some of the line by's in this poem is because i merged the one from serious with the one from novice.

(05-23-2013, 01:27 PM)billy Wrote:  the reason for some of the line by's in this poem is because i merged the one from serious with the one from novice.

Thanks Billy!

I think this would be a fantastic prose piece, minus the rhyme ( I do feel your rhyme is done well here, no force) other than internal rhyming. I found it entertaining, disturbing ,and rather amusing as well.
best,
Heart