I tried to work on making this title fit. I had a different title before finally choosing this...

"Irony"

Enjoy yourself. Take only what you need from me.
I am here for you, for this, exactly.

When nothing's left but a shred of your soul
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go.
You know what to do so just look him in his eyes.
He knows better so he fights not to cry.
He swallows his pride and it burns in his chest.
You want to hug him, but know it's best.
The sight blurs then your head is down.
He's standing there with half a frown.
Magnetized by each other's love
No one moves, not even the birds above.
Earth in awe.
The stars all fall.
The greatest love ever known
Has now, just been, let go.

It happened on that day that you stood still.
The scene reminds you as the sun disappears behind the hill.
When nothing's left but a shred of your soul.
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go.
The moment is lasting forever as she looks you in the eyes.
She's going to say something worth it but instead she cries.
You want to speak but won't dare interrupt.
Her looks gives your spine chills all the way up.
Your hair straightens and you prepare for embrace.
She's thinking so hard her hands cover her face.
You feel weak, you need her close to your chest.
You want to hug her, but know it's best.
Now, where she once stood, is just thin air.
Outlined her memory because you still care.

You've enjoyed yourself. Taking exactly what you needed from me.
I was there for you, for even this, for everything...

I like how you opened and closed the poem and the emotions begin this poem are real which is cool. The only thing that I'd say, which is totally minor is to proofread a little. For instance, the line "you feel weak you need her close to your chest" doesn't make much sense unless punctuated a little bit. Other than that, it's a good read

(05-14-2013, 12:45 PM)Sam33lynn Wrote:  I like how you opened and closed the poem and the emotions begin this poem are real which is cool. The only thing that I'd say, which is totally minor is to proofread a little. For instance, the line "you feel weak you need her close to your chest" doesn't make much sense unless punctuated a little bit. Other than that, it's a good read

i agree with that. i'll make that little edit.
i dont like Stanza 3, lines 13/14. "Now, where she once stood..../Outlined her memory..." That part I will say I struggled on. What do you think?

I like the emotion of it but it seems to kind of go on and on without really saying anything new. Maybe cut some of the lines?

Thanks
-H

"Enjoy yourself. Take only what you need from me." Immediately reminds me of the chorus from KIDS by MGMT haha. The grammar is a little bit iffy in a few places (e.g. The moment is lasting forever as she looks you in the eyes), but its generally well written. As qwerty_h already mentioned I think maybe this write could benefit from a few lines cut here and there and/or some detailing in order to give it a bit more of an impact/less of an extended flashpoint. Look forward to reading more Kickback

I have to agree with above poster. As soon as I read the first line I was singing MGMT in my head and then I ended up going on to youtube to listen to it! But when I got past the first line and started getting into the rest of the poem I found it to be passionate and an enjoyable read.

great poem. very emotional. i love it!


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(05-14-2013, 12:40 PM)KICKBACK Wrote:  "Irony"
Enjoy yourself. Take only what you need from me.
I am here for you, for this, exactly. What you say here is already said in the above line, you do not need to say it again or so explicitly. The ironical tone - which is a strong point in the poem - is already well established there. Also, no need to say it in the heading.  
When nothing's left but a shred of your soul
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go. Go where?
You know what to do so just look him in his eyes. The jumping among "I, you, she, he"  throughout the poem is confusing 
He knows better so he fights not to cry.
He swallows his pride and it burns in his chest.
You want to hug him, but know it's best. Forced rhyme
The sight blurs then your head is down.
He's standing there with half a frown.
Magnetized by each other's love
No one moves, not even the birds above. Forced rhyme

Earth in awe.
The stars all fall.
The greatest love ever known - If these three lines are ironic, vey well done. If not,...
Has now, just been, let go.
It happened on that day that you stood still.
The scene reminds you as the sun disappears behind the hill.
When nothing's left but a shred of your soul.
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go.
The moment is lasting forever as she looks you in the eyes.
She's going to say something worth it but instead she cries.
You want to speak but won't dare interrupt. Interrupt the crying? Interrupt would be fitting if she actually was saying sthg. 
Her looks gives your spine chills all the way up.
Your hair straightens and you prepare for embrace.
She's thinking so hard her hands cover her face. This does not seem right. You describe the girl as being very emotional in the scene. It is possible for her to be also thinking so hard at the same time? No offence, ladies. 
You feel weak, you need her close to your chest.
You want to hug her, but know it's best. What is best? This sounds like a forced rhyme. 
Now, where she once stood, is just thin air.
Outlined her memory because you still care.
You've enjoyed yourself. Taking exactly what you needed from me.
I was there for you, for even this, for everything... These lines are abstract, but I guess their main point is to convey the irony, which they accomplish well. The second line seems to fit here, don't know why in the beginning it does not. Maybe because you have shown what had happened. Keep the irony, it is a strong point of the poem. 

What you want to say can be said in a much shorter way - SHE left HIM, he concedes, accepts, but NOT REALLY. Fu*k her. 

It does not sound as poetry to me. It is like a description of a scene from a play, with scenic notes. You use hardly any images in the poem, which is why. You tell, describe, explain. Poetry is about showing. There are many aspects which can be said more specifically in images, I marked them in red. 

The images you employ are all very cliché. Now I don´t know if you use all those clichés intentionally to establish the sense of irony - like being cynical about a "very heartbreaking scene" or not. If so, it is way too long. You could condense them in 2-4 lines, even less to convey the same. Just use the basic elemets - description of the setting, the atmosphere, and the feelings of both participants. 4 lines, as I said. Sthg like this:

At sunset
silence filled the air. 
Her sould was shred to pieces,
for him, painful memory. 

I think it is clear that this peaks of a painful breakup. The challenge would be than to employ devices for making sure this would be understood as irony. I cannot think of any right now and have other things to deal with, but maybe later I will come up with sthg.

If you, however, did not mean the images as irony or cynism, there is a bigger problem and you will have to come up with something much more specific and image-ish. To give a taste of what I mean:  He is standing there with half a frown ---> Furrows of his forehead face the marble at Trafalgar. (or whatever. My example is incredibly stupid but only here to illustrate my point...) - by specyfing the "there" you can add another dimensions and meanings to the poem. Same with other abstract, unspecific things. 

Also, if this is the case, try avoiding words/phrases like "greatest love, memory, nothing left, shred of soul..." at first glance they seem strong but actually say very little. The reader wants some specification, explanation, why the love was so great? (You even tatooed Juliet on your chest) or whatever..  Nothing left ---> "Empty photo frame", "The number you have dialed does not exist" etc.

(05-14-2013, 12:40 PM)KICKBACK Wrote:  ]
Enjoy yourself. Take only what you need from me.
I am here for you, for this, exactly.
When nothing's left but a shred of your soul
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go.
You know what to do so just look him in his eyes.
He knows better so he fights not to cry.
He swallows his pride and it burns in his chest.
You want to hug him, but know it's best.
The sight blurs then your head is down.
He's standing there with half a frown.
Magnetized by each other's love
No one moves, not even the birds above.
Earth in awe.
The stars all fall.
The greatest love ever known
Has now, just been, let go. <-- I feel like this is choppy. Maybe take away the "just" and the commas altogether and have it be "Has now been let go"?

It happened on that day that you stood still.
The scene reminds you as the sun disappears behind the hill.
When nothing's left but a shred of your soul. <--Love love love that you repeated this line!
You're hanging by a thread dying not to let go.
The moment is lasting forever as she looks you in the eyes.
She's going to say something worth it but instead she cries.
You want to speak but won't dare interrupt.
Her looks gives your spine chills all the way up.
Your hair straightens and you prepare for embrace.
She's thinking so hard her hands cover her face.
You feel weak, you need her close to your chest.
You want to hug her, but know it's best.
Now, where she once stood, is just thin air.
Outlined her memory because you still care. <--This is a little confusing. Are you trying to say the thin air is outlining her memory or tha the man is doing so? Because following it with that "because you still care", to me, conveys the latter, which wouldn't make much sense. And since the rest of the poem is in present tense, "outlined" should be "outlines".

You've enjoyed yourself. Taking exactly what you needed from me.
I was there for you, for even this, for everything... <--Seamless switch to first person; I'm glad you kept that for the very end.

I loved this poem, though I do feel like you can omit some of the lines that aren't as significant, like "Your hair straightens and you prepare for embrace.
She's thinking so hard her hands cover her face". But I'm sure to you, being the author, every line plays a special part, so leaving it as is would be fantastic too. Great job with this one!