An Artist's Wake

She was an artist
more than she knew;
it wasn't just her lipstick, or
her blood running through
that colored the canvas-
painted in you.

---

1st edit.

Quote:original
Awakening

More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.

Hi. I loved the simple power of this and how you used the color red to tie everything together. Also the similarities between paint and lipstick and blood. Thanks.

-H

Thanks qwerty, I'm getting a better hang of what to work through in my edits. Appreciate your feedback.

Im liking the rhyme. I really love to read and write peotry with rhythem as it gives it that antural and enjoyable flow A nice peom overall, simple but strong.

hi J
at first glance I liked this a lot. but then I started trying to figure out what it meant. is it that "her" painting affects "you" more deeply than her lipstick or your blood? that's the only sensible idea I could find, and honestly it seems a bit trite. the writing is nice but the meaning is muddled. rework?
-cloudy

(05-13-2013, 12:25 PM)jkaram Wrote:  More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.

Hi,
I've read this a few times now, and though I like what you've written, I simply can't figure out what you mean exactly. The lines feel somehow disconnected from each other, and vague too. JMHO, of course.
-LB

I'm a painter. For a time, painting was my voice more than my words could be and others could connect with me this way. Other artists "speak" to me this way- even painters long since dead. But there's something transcendental and a nuance of passion/inspiration I also wish to covey. Maybe that's why it comes across as confusing or vague. It also has to do with the lasting impression we have on each other.

I think my title was a mistake, and after all of your input that came clear. I've reworked it with your insights in mind and appreciate the feedback each of you provided.

An Artist's Wake

She was an artist
more than she knew;
it wasn't just her lipstick, or
her blood running through
that colored the canvas-
painted in you.

I really like how the color red stands out in this poem. It is a powerful image conveyed in only a few lines

(05-14-2013, 11:44 AM)jkaram Wrote:  An Artist's Wake

She was an artist
more than she knew;
it wasn't just her lipstick, or
her blood running through
that colored the canvas-
painted in you.

I really like this work than your first post with the original poem.
To me, I see a woman who loves me. She's more an artist than she knew, because she doesn't know the subtle things that turn me on about her. It's not just her lipstick on her lips trying to look cute. Her blood running is passion. Passion not just for her art, but for her love, which is me. She's painting her canvas, which is life, which is me.

*lol* a little funny note: my first thought of this poem, is that i wake up with morning wood and i think she's doing it to me on purpose.

it has a feel of a mothers day poem.
i prefer the original by the way

More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.

i have no problems with it can't give any pointers as to how to improve it. it's a women, and she's an artist, L1 and 3, tell us so. there's an ambiguity as to who the you of the 4th line is, it's either a mother, lover, or child (the child could be the artist, which would make it a female you) or as an outside bet it could just be someone who's sitting for the painter; which i doubt. the whole tone of the poem screams the you is your (the persona doing the narrative) love which begs the question, who are you, a husband and father of the you? a bro of the you or maybe even a sister. no way jose, you're the the dad or the love of the you. i discount dad because of the love element, so the you his her daughter and your daughter, i see nowt sexual in the poem so moved back from lover to dad being the narrator. it's okay if it isn't because the ambiguity doesn't fuzz up the tenderness element of the poem. the 2nd line also has an ambiguity wich can be seen as blood through veins that drive the artist. it isn't an exceptionally powerful poem but it a well written one that i loved spending time with. the edit feels as though it's too much of a compromise and makes the poem feel a bit wishy washy sorry for going on so much in the novice forum. i just liked the original.

Thank Billy, it's so interesting to hear your interpretations which I thought were in themselves, poetic. The N was intended to either male or female. The poem I think, talks about interchangeability and how we influence each other for a long time after we make an impression or even leave--- the "affects" may fade but they live/paint on. Appreciate the read and your insights.

I've kept tcoming back to this poem and tinkering around with it. In the process, what I was trying to say has become clearer. So back to share the rewrite, thanks everyone for the honest feedback.


Red paint drying,
she remembers blue; Spring palette
canvas painting- you.

(05-18-2013, 09:14 PM)jkaram Wrote:  I've kept tcoming back to this poem and tinkering around with it. In the process, what I was trying to say has become clearer. So back to share the rewrite, thanks everyone for the honest feedback.


Red paint drying,
she remembers blue; Spring palette
canvas painting- you.

what is this?? you took perfection in the original...and have slowly ruined it...

More than her lipstick
or blood running through,
her red strokes on canvas
are painted in you.

^That was brilliant. 'Nuff said. It conveyed so much meaning, depending on when and how the reader was feeling when he/she read it.

Then you came up with this...
She was an artist
more than she knew;
it wasn't just her lipstick, or
her blood running through
that colored the canvas-
painted in you.

^This is good. Original was better. But i can still 'feel' it.

Red paint drying,
she remembers blue; Spring palette
canvas painting- you.

^I don't even know what this is.

In short, I don't think you need to clarify what you mean in the poem at all. No one reads a poem to be like 'Hmm...I wonder what the author was thinking about when he/she wrote it.' No...they're only concerned about how the poem makes THEM feel, not YOU. Casual readers are selfish that way. The only people who actually care about what you were thinking and feeling when you wrote it, are people who are studying your poetry, and the people on this site, who are genuinely interested in the background of this poem, and who want you to continuously improve.

ah well...this is just my thoughts on the matter anyway...

Zerrick,

Gosh, I am thankful and humbled by your response. The best I can explain is hat I'm a novice, just a bud of a poet. I came here to learn so I took the critiques, pondered them and tried to make my lines more like art. I've taken out the vague and trite (because those crits resonated with me). I agree that there's an element of freshness in the first one that is lost in this rewrite.

Maybe I should have left he other alone and just made this a new poem. One thing about going back is the changes you undergo in between. Days later I'm no longer in the same state of being that I was in writing the first poem.

Lessons learned, thank you.

Hey sorry if i sounded a bit harsh not my intention. But the entire poem seems to have changed in the 2nd revision. I prefer the original, but ultimately, it is up to you to decide which you like the best.

Do artists redo a painting, just because someone didn't like it? or do they improve on the next painting?
^I don't actually know the answer to that, cuz I'm no artist, but I'd rather take these criticisms and help improve my writing overall, not focus on just one poem.

It depends on the artist and their confidence level (my confidence with poetry is low so I am probably a little more malleable at the moment). I think your advice was great, not harsh, and I appreciate your honesty. I still like the first poem better, and still have it in writing (and in me) so it really change or die . I think I've just written two completely different poems with the same general theme. Truly, thanks for your honest crit, I knew you were coming from a good place and it helped rather than hurt me.