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Threads: 232
Joined: Oct 2012
So why now does her face cold crack,
split lipped her frown, as a thunder brews,
fingers drawn, stretched tight to scratch,
my mouth opens, with words I can't use,
apologies writhe on spat-backed tongue,
ceramic sand cloud, cuts deep into flesh,
press tight to her anger, flaying held strong.
With struggles fading, her ambitions to test,
fine muscles relax, guilt loosens my grip,
my eyes give chase to our hiding place,
light softens her tones, embraced lips bit,
probing mouths race the passion we taste,
how frantic now our coupling calls flight,
low down we caress loves forgotten fight.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 280
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Joined: Mar 2013
I think you use some very interesting words and phrases in this poem. I like the clear contrast between the stanzas, and still there's a cohesiveness in the words and breaks, that ties the stanzas well together. I'm sorry for not being able to give any constructive crit, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed the read. Thanks 
-LB
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-13-2013, 06:32 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: The fun is making up after a fight
So why now, does her face cold crack, a comma?
split lipped her frown, as a thunder brews,
fingers drawn, stretched tight to scratch,
my mouth opens, with words I can't use, great line
apologies writhed on spat-backed tongue,
ceramic sand cloud, cuts deep into flesh,
press tight to her anger, flaying held strong.
With struggles fading, her ambitions to test,
fine muscle relaxes, guilt loosens my grip, fine muscles relax?
my eyes give chase to our hiding place,
light softens her tones, embraced lips bit,
probing mouths race the passion we taste,
how frantic now our coupling calls flight,
low down we caress loves forgotten fight.
Love this amusing and fun piece. A few nits for input, to be ignored at will. Nice job.
Posts: 859
Threads: 232
Joined: Oct 2012
(05-14-2013, 08:40 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I think you use some very interesting words and phrases in this poem. I like the clear contrast between the stanzas, and still there's a cohesiveness in the words and breaks, that ties the stanzas well together. I'm sorry for not being able to give any constructive crit, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed the read. Thanks
-LB
Thank you for the kind words Volaticus, Much appreciated.
(05-14-2013, 08:50 AM)Heartafire Wrote: (05-13-2013, 06:32 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: The fun is making up after a fight
So why now, does her face cold crack, a comma?
split lipped her frown, as a thunder brews,
fingers drawn, stretched tight to scratch,
my mouth opens, with words I can't use, great line
apologies writhed on spat-backed tongue,
ceramic sand cloud, cuts deep into flesh,
press tight to her anger, flaying held strong.
With struggles fading, her ambitions to test,
fine muscle relaxes, guilt loosens my grip, fine muscles relax?
my eyes give chase to our hiding place,
light softens her tones, embraced lips bit,
probing mouths race the passion we taste,
how frantic now our coupling calls flight,
low down we caress loves forgotten fight.
Love this amusing and fun piece. A few nits for input, to be ignored at will. Nice job.
Many Thanks Heartafire both for comment and Crit, will use all. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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