Posts: 21
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Coughing up Blood in the Morning
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs,
to exit via lips,
and fall no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
1st edit
Quote:original;
coughing up blood in the morning
Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.Strangely, the normality check of defining the character as the "writer" takes a little away from the generally ubiquitous nature of the piece. Consider omitting this "intro"?
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds. Hi lewis,
You've done it again for me. Commitment terse verse. Good use of simplistic imagery that suits the starkness of the content. The only less than good line is the last. A little precipitous and possibly empty of emotion. No suggestions from this critic...not up to it.
Solid work.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 21
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Thank you very much tectak. You know, when I pasted this piece into the thread text box I took a hard look at the "intro" and thought a similar thing, however I figured I'd keep it in there and see what people think, so cheers for the input. Do you think it could work at the end of the poem in stead? Just a thought. I'll see if there's anything I can do with the last line. Thanks again,
Lewis
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
--------------------------
Good morning Lewis.
I have but one nit:
"exeunt"
Because that is a plural, but refers to "bleak". So it must be (banal): exit. *
Otherwise: fine stuff.
cheers
Gurkski
------------------------------
* or naturalmente you could go for a cool line break like that here:
ushered out of smoky lungs,
exiting via my lips
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-01-2013, 08:57 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: (05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
--------------------------
Good morning Lewis.
I have but one nit:
"exeunt"
Because that is a plural, but refers to "bleak". So it must be (banal): exit. *
Otherwise: fine stuff.
cheers
Gurkski
------------------------------
* or naturalmente you could go for a cool line break like that here:
ushered out of smoky lungs,
exiting via my lips No Serge. "Exeunt bleak extractS". As written.
Best,
tectak
Lewis,
Yes. I think you could put the start at the end...it would be a better terminator than the last line as is.
Still think it is unnecessary, though.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-02-2013, 12:11 AM)tectak Wrote: (05-01-2013, 08:57 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: (05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
--------------------------
Good morning Lewis.
I have but one nit:
"exeunt"
Because that is a plural, but refers to "bleak". So it must be (banal): exit. *
Otherwise: fine stuff.
cheers
Gurkski
------------------------------
* or naturalmente you could go for a cool line break like that here:
ushered out of smoky lungs,
exiting via my lips No Serge. "Exeunt bleak extractS". As written.
Best,
tectak
Lewis,
Yes. I think you could put the start at the end...it would be a better terminator than the last line as is.
Still think it is unnecessary, though.
Best,
tectak
Tom, damn, you're right. I'd blush (if I still could ;-) cheers to you
but it makes you feel good, no? so, now you owe me a favor, too. ;-) but no semi-colon stuff please.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
regardless of what else is going on "exeunt" is the wrong word. 1. there is some disagreement with your verb which makes it second person direction, 2. while literally it means leave the stage, as direction, most notably, it means "leave our story" which it does not as the very next line picks it back up.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-02-2013, 08:00 AM)milo Wrote: (05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
regardless of what else is going on "exeunt" is the wrong word. 1. there is some disagreement with your verb which makes it second person direction, 2. while literally it means leave the stage, as direction, most notably, it means "leave our story" which it does not as the very next line picks it back up. Hi milo,
Not in agreement here. Note the full stop after "...out of smoky lungs" This is closure.
Next stanza is now free. Direction in sense of authority is implicit in " Exeunt via lips, (note this comma as seperator) descend no lower than the ground". Admittedly, one must ignore "whatever else is going on"  but I think the stage direction nature of this one stanza is permissable poetically, if only as a device. Of course, whether or not it is intentionally so is a whole other bucket of winkles. ( to keep serge mystified)
Best,
tectak
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(05-02-2013, 08:21 AM)tectak Wrote: (05-02-2013, 08:00 AM)milo Wrote: (05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
regardless of what else is going on "exeunt" is the wrong word. 1. there is some disagreement with your verb which makes it second person direction, 2. while literally it means leave the stage, as direction, most notably, it means "leave our story" which it does not as the very next line picks it back up. Hi milo,
Not in agreement here. Note the full stop after "...out of smoky lungs" This is closure.
Next stanza is now free. Direction in sense of authority is implicit in " Exeunt via lips, (note this comma as seperator) descend no lower than the ground". Admittedly, one must ignore "whatever else is going on" but I think the stage direction nature of this one stanza is permissable poetically, if only as a device. Of course, whether or not it is intentionally so is a whole other bucket of winkles. ( to keep serge mystified)
Best,
tectak
You are ignoring the lack of a subject. What you think the narrator is saying is the mucous "exits" through the lips, but the narrator is telling YOU, (the reader) to EXIT THROUGH HIS LIPS!! WTF?
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-02-2013, 08:51 AM)milo Wrote: (05-02-2013, 08:21 AM)tectak Wrote: (05-02-2013, 08:00 AM)milo Wrote: regardless of what else is going on "exeunt" is the wrong word. 1. there is some disagreement with your verb which makes it second person direction, 2. while literally it means leave the stage, as direction, most notably, it means "leave our story" which it does not as the very next line picks it back up. Hi milo,
Not in agreement here. Note the full stop after "...out of smoky lungs" This is closure.
Next stanza is now free. Direction in sense of authority is implicit in " Exeunt via lips, (note this comma as seperator) descend no lower than the ground". Admittedly, one must ignore "whatever else is going on" but I think the stage direction nature of this one stanza is permissable poetically, if only as a device. Of course, whether or not it is intentionally so is a whole other bucket of winkles. ( to keep serge mystified)
Best,
tectak
You are ignoring the lack of a subject. What you think the narrator is saying is the mucous "exits" through the lips, but the narrator is telling YOU, (the reader) to EXIT THROUGH HIS LIPS!! WTF? Be calm old bean.
Yes. Without a subject the implied "direction" can only sensibly be applied to the "mucous" As I thought I made clear it is implicit...if not by intent then most acceptably by the avoidance in the reading of any reducto ad absurdum misconstruance. That would be poetic interpretation, I believe. 
Best,
tectak
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
meh, you say poetic interpretation, I say grammatically incorrect. Even without the grammar problem, I don't like the word here, there is no other stage direction or anything else that is added by using exeunt instead of exit
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(05-01-2013, 07:48 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Thank you very much tectak. You know, when I pasted this piece into the thread text box I took a hard look at the "intro" and thought a similar thing, however I figured I'd keep it in there and see what people think, so cheers for the input. Do you think it could work at the end of the poem in stead? Just a thought. I'll see if there's anything I can do with the last line. Thanks again,
Lewis
I understand why you wrote the intro. But tec is right: a poem needs intro, if it is a poem.
You, the poet, must take the risk to not be understood. That is exactly price everyone (including you) has to pay.
You of course cannot (unless you go for Dada ) pput the intro haha after the poem.
Scusi, that is so fucking funny.
Ok, seriously: let it go, please
I love "exeunt" bc I love plays (mostly Tennessee Williams and French stuff), but let me now jump into the semi-serious discussion about saving "exeunt" via enjambment: Tom (tec) says: "Note the full stop after ...", which is exactly why "exeunt" does not work here. Says me.
If there was no full stop, it would work as Tec thinks it does.
So, Lewis; you outsmarted yourself here. ;-)
I do not comment on bs, so it is obvious that I like your poem.
My advice (cringe now ;--) ) is: keep exeunt for another poem.
When three readers of your poem stumble over that word, something most likely is wrong with that word.
I disagree with Milo insofar as I like this poem.
cheers
Serge
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(05-02-2013, 04:06 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: I disagree with Milo insofar as I like this poem.
cheers
Serge
I never discussed "liking" the poem. Save your disagreement for something else, you may need it.
milo
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
Milo: I apologize. You are right. I over-interpreted your words.
Sorry for that.
serge
Posts: 21
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
I may as well post a revision to bring this debate to an end, many thanks to the three of you for ironing out the creases among yourselves. It's far more helpful than the "hey man that's really cool" I get from my friends at university. Tec I'm sorry but I've left the last line as is, even if it sounds wishy washy 
Coughing up Blood in the Morning
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs,
to exit via lips,
and fall no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
'...only this time one exciting opportunity was precisely as good as the next exciting opportunity. Which is to say, simply, that nobody got paid anymore' - Algren
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
calm down you animals, give feedback to the poem, do not argue among yourselves, if you don't accept the other's point of view, live with it admin
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-02-2013, 04:38 PM)billy Wrote: calm down you animals, give feedback to the poem, do not argue among yourselves, if you don't accept the other's point of view, live with it admin
Fuck off, he explained.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
No, Billy: I was wrong.
No fighting here ,-) promise.
I usually only fight women (and they always win of course)
"ironing out the creases among yourselves"
*that was cute! ;-)))
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi lewis
I do enjoy the brevity of the poem. i think you have a solid extended image running through the poem, the title adds to it in the way of an extra line. i never really had a problem with the removed couplet though i do prefer this version. a very tight poem. i wondered if the penultimate line could be better worded so as to not seem to cheesy/trite/forced/preachy
good read, thanks.
(05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Coughing up Blood in the Morning
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs,
to exit via lips, is 'to' needed?
and fall no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
1st edit
Quote:original;
coughing up blood in the morning
Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(05-02-2013, 04:38 PM)billy Wrote: calm down you animals, give feedback to the poem, do not argue among yourselves, if you don't accept the other's point of view, live with it admin
I didn't even realize we were arguing until someone pointed it out. Thank god for the admins, this site would be chaos! 
|
