If you blinked
you'd pass it
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool
he would sing to me
at Little River just after
the washboard

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk mans grapes
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at Truck Stop and Foxtail
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard at Little River
his eyes went fix
and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red
white hot
across the fields at Foxtail

I blinked
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at little river

I've read this a few times; it's pretty interesting. But the scene of action seems to move back and forward between little river and foxtail, which causes me some confusion.

So, is foxtail maybe a bridge, which Danny missed when drunk, causing him to go to the river and drown, thus causing the narrator to be angry and regretful? Cause that's my current reading. Oh, and I get the sense that Danny had had an emotional break and off'd himself.

(04-09-2013, 05:19 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  If you blinked
you'd pass it,
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool,
he would sing to me
at little river, just after
the washboard I''m not sure what washboard is referring to. Since you mention singing, maybe an instrument. But I don't think so. I take it as the bumpy part of the road/path that has been damaged by flowing water

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk mans grapes
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at truck stop and foxtail;
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard
at little river, his eyes
went fix and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red,
white hot
across the fields at foxtail Last stanza was at little river, and this is at foxtail. Two stanza below and we're back at little river. What?

I blinked,
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at little river

Like I said, the exact details are not clear to me, but the delivery is pleasant and I grasp enough to think that Danny departed.

Thanks for the read.

Hi,
I don't really have much to say other than I think it was a very moving poem :-) So thanks for sharing, it was enjoyable to read :-)
- Volaticus

(04-09-2013, 05:19 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  If you blinked
you'd pass it,
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool,
he would sing to me
at little river, just after Is "little river" a place, like Lake Titicaca? If so I think it should be capitalised.
the washboard

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk man's grapes When using the possessive context you need an apostrophe.
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at truck stop and foxtail;
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard
at little river, his eyes
went fix and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red,
white hot
across the fields at foxtail

I blinked,
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies This is my favourite line. It's soft and subtle, yet deeply poignant.
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at little river

A very moving poem, with some elegant and powerful phrasing; I like that you hint at rather than explain the action. I don't like the use of sporadic commas in poems which don't consistently use punctuation, but that's just a personal nit. Critique is JMHO; thank you for the read.

(04-10-2013, 12:21 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  

(04-09-2013, 05:19 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  If you blinked
you'd pass it,
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool,
he would sing to me
at little river, just after Is "little river" a place, like Lake Titicaca? If so I think it should be capitalised.
the washboard

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk man's grapes When using the possessive context you need an apostrophe.
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at truck stop and foxtail;
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard
at little river, his eyes
went fix and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red,
white hot
across the fields at foxtail

I blinked,
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies This is my favourite line. It's soft and subtle, yet deeply poignant.
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at little river

A very moving poem, with some elegant and powerful phrasing; I like that you hint at rather than explain the action. I don't like the use of sporadic commas in poems which don't consistently use punctuation, but that's just a personal nit. Critique is JMHO; thank you for the read.

Some of the best suggestions yet. I will make the corrections. Thank you so very much sir.

---

(04-10-2013, 07:26 AM)Volaticus Wrote:  Hi,
I don't really have much to say other than I think it was a very moving poem :-) So thanks for sharing, it was enjoyable to read :-)
- Volaticus

Thank you kindly.

---

(04-09-2013, 01:35 PM)NakedBear Wrote:  I've read this a few times; it's pretty interesting. But the scene of action seems to move back and forward between little river and foxtail, which causes me some confusion.

So, is foxtail maybe a bridge, which Danny missed when drunk, causing him to go to the river and drown, thus causing the narrator to be angry and regretful? Cause that's my current reading. Oh, and I get the sense that Danny had had an emotional break and off'd himself.

(04-09-2013, 05:19 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  If you blinked
you'd pass it,
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool,
he would sing to me
at little river, just after
the washboard I''m not sure what washboard is referring to. Since you mention singing, maybe an instrument. But I don't think so. I take it as the bumpy part of the road/path that has been damaged by flowing water

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk mans grapes
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at truck stop and foxtail;
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard
at little river, his eyes
went fix and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red,
white hot
across the fields at foxtail Last stanza was at little river, and this is at foxtail. Two stanza below and we're back at little river. What?

I blinked,
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at little river

Like I said, the exact details are not clear to me, but the delivery is pleasant and I grasp enough to think that Danny departed.

Thanks for the read.

As close to the real thing as it gets sir. Spot on in most regards. Thank you for the critique. I will re-look at this in hopes to shed a tad more light, but for the most part, you have SEEN this piece. Thank you.

---

(04-09-2013, 05:19 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  If you blinked
you'd pass it
but Danny knew that

Danny was a fool
he would sing to me
at Little River just after
the washboard

He was damaged and laughed
in the drunk man's grapes
we ran through to get there

The stars
would stay out all night for us
at Truck Stop and Foxtail
walking upside down across the sky

We hit it too hard
at Little River, his eyes
went fix and swilled over me

We set the sky ablaze in orange and red
white hot
across the fields at Foxtail

I blinked
but Danny knew that

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at Little River

Like everyone else, I think that it is very moving (stealing your words there Volaticus, sorry).

I would try moving around the enjambment. Take a few lines and merge them together, see if it works.

If you blinked you'd pass it
but Danny knew that.

Danny was a fool - he would sing to me
at Little River just after the washboard.

It might help it flow a bit better.

A lovely poem though

(04-11-2013, 07:36 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote:  Like everyone else, I think that it is very moving (stealing your words there Volaticus, sorry).

I would try moving around the enjambment. Take a few lines and merge them together, see if it works.

If you blinked you'd pass it
but Danny knew that.

Danny was a fool - he would sing to me
at Little River just after the washboard.

It might help it flow a bit better.

A lovely poem though

Oh, yes. I like that. Let me work on this a bit. Thank you so much. Newbie at writing and here.

Moving and well written, tmanzano.

I chase his embers in my dreams, like fireflies
but I didn't know
I would hate him so much
for washing up at Little River

I look forward to reading your work, it is most impressive.
my best,
Heart