"societies unsustained"

To touch the clouds of darkness
A hand must be subdued from fear
A mind taught to feel heartless
That no love may come too near

When feet are strayed from the path
Parted from the strength and will
With every limb torn asunder in wrath
Your flesh and bones hold you still?

From the trigger it delivers the end
instantly taking treasures we gained
Cherished moments that we spend
finally fade, to societies unsustained

(04-01-2013, 11:33 AM)2onthemap Wrote:  "societies unsustained"

To touch the clouds of darkness
A hand must be subdued from fear
A mind taught to feel heartless
That no love may come too near

When feet are strayed from the path
Parted from the strength and will
With every limb torn asunder in wrath
Your flesh and bones hold you still?

From the trigger it delivers the end
instantly taking treasures we gained
Cherished moments that we spend
finally fade, to societies unsustained

It is a list of abstract cliches for the most part. The lack of punctuation doesn't help except to try to distract the reader from the dreadful end stops on every single line. The meter is sometimes there but only more noticeable because it fails so often.

Lines like "a mind taught to feel heartless" are so twee, the reader is actually embarrassed to read them.

touch clouds
A hand subdued
taught to feel
near

feet
Parted
limb torn wrath
flesh still?

trigger delivers
treasures

fade,

These words are somewhat salvageable

milo

(04-02-2013, 06:33 AM)milo Wrote:  

(04-01-2013, 11:33 AM)2onthemap Wrote:  "societies unsustained"

To touch the clouds of darkness
A hand must be subdued from fear
A mind taught to feel heartless
That no love may come too near

When feet are strayed from the path
Parted from the strength and will
With every limb torn asunder in wrath
Your flesh and bones hold you still?

From the trigger it delivers the end
instantly taking treasures we gained
Cherished moments that we spend
finally fade, to societies unsustained

It is a list of abstract cliches for the most part. The lack of punctuation doesn't help except to try to distract the reader from the dreadful end stops on every single line. The meter is sometimes there but only more noticeable because it fails so often.

Lines like "a mind taught to feel heartless" are so twee, the reader is actually embarrassed to read them.

touch clouds
A hand subdued
taught to feel
near

feet
Parted
limb torn wrath
flesh still?

trigger delivers
treasures

fade,

These words are somewhat salvageable

milo

thanks for you feedback
I rewrote this poem so many times that it became abstract.
I guess I still need to work on it.

"
To touch the clouds of darkness
A hand must be subdued from fear
A mind taught to feel heartless
That no love may come too near
"

What are you trying to say here? I can't tell.
Think hard about the images you are trying to create in the reader's mind. You have to give enough information. Try reconstructing what you want the poem to be about from only those lines. What is the *poem* actually saying? It needs to evoke a clear and consistent message to be powerful.