I'm new and whatever advice you could give me would be wonderful thanks alot in advance

I watch, I watch my life pass me by,
I watch my life through the corner of my eye.
I want to take charge I want to make a change,
But why do i feel as though trapped in a cage?
Struggling the breath,
In pain gritting my teeth.
Whats the point? "It's not gonna work,
The times running out on the clock"
I run around helter skelter,
But only to find i have one shelter.
This cage , this cage in my heart,
This cage i want to tear apart.
I want to open up to someone.
I want to talk,
Maybe when I'm finally free even go for a walk.
Yes i know I'm not bond,
But what is that ringing sound?
Oh yes now i remember,
My heart is cold just like December.

(03-24-2013, 08:22 AM)Justask Wrote:  i liked it. i dont know if i can give and critiqes though haha

Thanks alot much appreciated

---

just messing around with words and came up with this

We are supposed to be one not two,
You’re supposed to call me babe and I’m supposed to call you boo.
But we know it’s not working,
We are not even regularly talking.
Yet were supposed to be a “couple”,
When I see you my heart is supposed to be racing double.
You are supposed to capture this heart of mine,
And I’m supposed to captures yours with a matter of time.
But this is fake this was arranged,
They made us go on dates, they even got us engaged.
Our “love” and “marriage” is just strictly business,
You’re supposed to be the actor and I’m supposed to be the actress.

(03-24-2013, 08:40 AM)Culture Wrote:  

(03-24-2013, 08:22 AM)Justask Wrote:  i liked it. i dont know if i can give and critiqes though haha

Thanks alot much appreciated

---

just messing around with words and came up with this

We are supposed to be one not two,
You’re supposed to call me babe and I’m supposed to call you boo.
But we know it’s not working,
We are not even regularly talking.
Yet were supposed to be a “couple”,
When I see you my heart is supposed to be racing double.
You are supposed to capture this heart of mine,
And I’m supposed to captures yours with a matter of time.
But this is fake this was arranged,
They made us go on dates, they even got us engaged.
Our “love” and “marriage” is just strictly business,
You’re supposed to be the actor and I’m supposed to be the actress.

just messing around with words and came up with this

We are but one not two,
You are my babe I am your boo.
But we are not working,
We are not even regular. Talking
yet to be a “couple”,
When I see you my heart is racing double.

I’m captured with a matter of time.
this is fake
They made us dates, they even got us.
Our “love” strictly business,
You are the actor and I am the actress.

Just eliminating the over-repeated "supposed" made it almost readable.
The problem with the original is it really is pretty boring, sounds like some girl just bitching at her husband in the most over used way possible.

Now that I trim I see a couple opportunities, maybe a poem about 2 homeless people trying to keep it together, not really bothered by their indigence or whatever.

I would try to avoid so many pronouns and pretty much every expression you have heard before. A triolet? Maybe . . .

You are my babe, I am your boo
we're captured in our quiet. Hush,
don't tell, we are not one but two
you are my babe, I am your boo.
An actress out of work and you
must act your part to bring the blush.
You are my babe. I am your boo.
We're captured in our quiet hush.

milo

Hi Culture,

Here's my advice: This strikes me as a free write that gets to where its going eventually. Your last line is very good. I would probably try again and use that line as your title.

My heart is cold just like December

Then draw from that theme. Keep your imagery cold.

See where it takes you.

Just a thought.

Best,

Todd

(03-24-2013, 12:43 AM)Culture Wrote:  I'm new and whatever advice you could give me would be wonderful thanks alot in advance

I watch, I watch my life pass me by,
I watch my life through the corner of my eye.
I want to take charge I want to make a change,
But why do i feel as though trapped in a cage?
Struggling the breath,
In pain gritting my teeth.
Whats the point? "It's not gonna work,
The times running out on the clock"
I run around helter skelter,
But only to find i have one shelter.
This cage , this cage in my heart,
This cage i want to tear apart.
I want to open up to someone.
I want to talk,
Maybe when I'm finally free even go for a walk.
Yes i know I'm not bond,
But what is that ringing sound?
Oh yes now i remember,
My heart is cold just like December.

Much appreciated guys, Milo im quiet knew at this and i don't even know what a triolet is but i'll make sure to do my research once again much appreciated guys

Triolet in Poetry Practice

Maybe this will help.

(03-25-2013, 05:26 AM)Culture Wrote:  Much appreciated guys, Milo im quiet knew at this and i don't even know what a triolet is but i'll make sure to do my research once again much appreciated guys

yes, you are quite new. We all were at one time.
A triolet? It may be the most claustrophobic regular form so it forces a focus and discipline onto new writers. I 'distilled' your poem into a triolet to give you an example. Do that a few times then build it back.

In poetry it is not /what/ you say, it is all how you say it.

(03-24-2013, 12:43 AM)Culture Wrote:  I'm new and whatever advice you could give me would be wonderful thanks alot in advance

I watch, I watch my life pass me by,
I watch my life through the corner of my eye.
I want to take charge I want to make a change,
But why do i feel as though trapped in a cage?
Struggling the breath,
In pain gritting my teeth.
Whats the point? "It's not gonna work,
The times running out on the clock"
I run around helter skelter,
But only to find i have one shelter.
This cage , this cage in my heart,
This cage i want to tear apart.
I want to open up to someone.
I want to talk,
Maybe when I'm finally free even go for a walk.
Yes i know I'm not bond,
But what is that ringing sound?
Oh yes now i remember,
My heart is cold just like December.

I have a hard time critiquing poetry because it's so personal and deep. I really enjoyed it and felt as if I could really feel the emotion you put into writing it. I know this isn't much if your looking for someone to go over and try to correct but I simply believe poetry isn't something correctable.

Thanks for the share. I am new myself, and this is my first feedback. Nice poem.
I really enjoyed the last sentence of the poem; "My heart is cold just like December". Also I is beeing written with capital
When I read it I wondered about your first sentence; "I watch, I watch my life pass me by", Mabe "I watch, I watch my life pass by", or "... I watch life pass me by"?

- Marte

I Liked It. Its a really nice poem but seems like a free writing poem. The only part i wasnt really drawn into was the "helter skelter" part. What is that?