Alternate version (as per tectak cut the crap)


His propeller strobes in silent blue,
leather glove taps on the gauge,
the landing strip out of range,
to save his life he drops some weight
fumes and prayers bring him home safe.

Farm yard kitchen on a beautiful day
a tea towel over the sink, bacon sizzling,
tiny shoes have just brought in fresh eggs,
she smiles at the whistling, looks up at the morning,
moments before the bomb slams through the roof.


Original version

The exhaust note drones, smooth without turbulence,
breathing is heavy, condensing on leather, echoes to ears,
silent blue expands, shrinking the simplicity of my craft.

Underneath tapping in the slip stream,
trapped on the red button, mission incomplete,
retreat, I hold the horizon dear, fear friction.

A paper theatre stages the home coming hero,
figures move each embrace, father cups child’s face,
Hands shake betray my steel, quickens my beat.

Pockets of air slap hard to move and sink my pit,
the players stop to look, nemesis unhooked,
tapping turns tranquil away my burden drops.

Farm yard kitchen, tea towel over sink, bacon sizzling,
tiny shoes have just brought in fresh eggs, Lovely.
she smiles at the whistling, looks up at the morning,
moments before the bomb slams through the roof.

That required two readings, at least. The first time, the words didn't make much sense. Then I got to the end and went "awww, dam!" Then I read it a few more times

tiny shoes have just brought in fresh eggs,

This line is poignant and gives that last stanza its emotional punch. But, it also makes me wonder why a bomb would drop on a farm at all. Bombers bombed cities and industry, and this notion of bringing in fresh eggs doesn't jive the second time around.

Mikey.

hi TOMH

I agree with Mikey on all his points. the image of bombing a farm doesn't really work, so I kept trying to think of what you meant... maybe the bombs dropped on accident? maybe this is rural Iraq/Afghanistan and the farm is a hideout? maybe it's just a case of urban chicken raising, which happens a lot in less developed cities? however you mean it, a bit more clarity would be a good thing, because these aren't the questions I want to ask after having read a poem 2-3 times.

on the other hand, I love some of your plane descriptions. "silent blue expands, shrinking the simplicity of my craft. " <-- just lovely.

=]

(03-19-2013, 09:07 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  The exhaust note drones, smooth without turbulence, I ask as a seeker of knowledge. Is this tautology or can you have smooth with turbulence?
breathing is heavy, condensing on leather, echoes to ears,
silent blue expands, shrinking the simplicity of my craft.

Underneath tapping in the slip stream, Do you mean" Underneath, tapping in the slip stream" or " Underneath tapping, in the slipstream" This is the problem with inconsistent punctuation...inconsistent translation.
trapped on the red button, mission incomplete, Like this. Understand this
retreat, I hold the horizon dear, fear friction. Why do you fear friction. I want the poem to tell me more.

A paper theatre stages the home coming hero,
figures move each embrace, father cups child’s face,If comma here, why capitalise next line. You didn't L1 to L2. Consistency is the signature of competancy. Sign here.
Hands shake betray my steel, quickens my beat.You supply the words but not the order. Excitement, I guess....but I am guessing. Betraying.

Pockets of air slap hard to move and sink my pit, Help me with your pit. Stomach: pit of. Typo: putt. ??
the players stop to look, nemesis unhooked, Ah, thought so. We are flying over a golf course. No? Bugger
tapping turns tranquil away my burden drops. Punctuate to claritify. Tapping turns tranquil away, my burden drops? Tapping turns. Tranquil away ! My burden drops? Tapping turns tranquil; away my burden drops? YES...but you are flying inverted

Farm yard kitchen, tea towel over sink, bacon sizzling,
tiny shoes have just brought in fresh eggs, Lovely. Ditch the rest and sell this stanza on its own.
she smiles at the whistling, looks up at the morning,
moments before the bomb slams through the roof.

Hmmm. Against the grain, for me, I find that the "meaning" (how I hate that word) is of great import in this piece. You have set off a number of cameo "events" that with some great certainty mean something to you. I am left uncomfortably inadequate to the task of understanding. So...what's wrong with it? Or me.
OK. We are on a bomb run in what seems to be Gloucester Gladiator, or if flimsier,a Tiger Moth. See, this is what S1 encourages. Then we get all wrapped up in detail which has nowt to do with the mission. To be honest, I would, and could, enjoy the piece if it stayed in this vein but there is more. Punctuation. Say no more.
S2 is breathless prose. It kind of works. Thoughts are fragmented by the excitement...but it is not clear. Listing thoughts is liable to prod this reader into the give-me-more camp. S2 suffers significantly from information let-down. Esoteric word use, like "tapping" does not help. You use the word again and so now I need to make sure it is not some aviation buzz-word: and maybe it is but I cannot reference it. So I am now irritated at myself even though it is your fault
Look, can I say right now that I am not good at this "meaning" crit. I may revert.
S3, lost me.
S4, buried me.
S5. Well, I just got home again. Fuck me! What's that.
No. Not clear enough for me.
Best,
tectak

i thought he was going into space

off topic-- but did you hear about those space cadets who have trouble with their eyesight upon landing back to earth?
it seems that if the astronauts were originally nearsighted, they flipped and became farsighted. space, man. probably has something to do with the man-made and mediated pressure system those peeps were locked into for 6 some-odd months.


anyway, I haven't an inkling as to what you are talking about, but I enjoyed the read for some reason. 'twas calming.

To all comments thank you for taking the time, I clearly need to do some work, and that I will do, however by way of offering some clarity before I work on the edit.
S1 he is flying sat in an old plane
S2 a bomb got caught on a mission it is still half in place he is on his way back (so over fields and farms) if he hits turbulence it could go off. He is stuffed really as he can’t land.
S3 his thoughts drift on the clouds, back to seeing his family and child (capital H was a mistake) he is terrified of dying and losing it a little.
S4 he hits a bad patch of turbulence, his thoughts return to his family as he thinks he's about to die, he doesn't the bomb breaks loose and in S5 it lands by accident on a farm house.

Edit time I think cheers TOMH

(03-19-2013, 07:44 PM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  To all comments thank you for taking the time, I clearly need to do some work, and that I will do, however by way of offering some clarity before I work on the edit.
S1 he is flying sat in an old plane
S2 a bomb got caught on a mission it is still half in place he is on his way back (so over fields and farms) if he hits turbulence it could go off. He is stuffed really as he can’t land.
S3 his thoughts drift on the clouds, back to seeing his family and child (capital H was a mistake) he is terrified of dying and losing it a little.
S4 he hits a bad patch of turbulence, his thoughts return to his family as he thinks he's about to die, he doesn't the bomb breaks loose and in S5 it lands by accident on a farm house.

Edit time I think cheers TOMH

Hi again TOMH,
Just a word. When poetry is leaning towards story telling, it often helps to do what you did in you response to the crits. List out, not YOUR thoughts, but the key points of the story. The problem with thinking is you do it in your head...your brain is designed to fill in the gaps that lie between YOUR thoughts...but in these interstisces is where the reader lives, so all we get is the gaps!
This is a great concept with a whole load of possibilities. Do not ditch it or bail out.
Don't tell todd, but he is getting to be really good at this conversion of concept into communication. Read some of his stuff.
Best,
tectak

Hi,
I'm going to put it out there and say that I disagree with some of the other comments about the sense of this one.
I thought it read with perfectly clear meaning and made a good alternative view of the hero pilot returning from a raid.
This for me had, what is for me now, is becoming a recognisable signature twist from you concerning the world view.

I read it as follows: I felt drawn into a happy and stereotypical type of hero worship. The brave fighter pilot returns...but wait perhaps not so brave...it's just a paper stage for our brave hero, he didn't deliver his load and he's now in a sweat about the unexploded bomb in the air turbulence / tank slappers (biking term that comes before the terminal earth sky experience!). So our brave hero ditches before he goes in to land. The only line that had me chewing over the meaning was did the farmer's wife smile at the whistling because she knew a bomb was about to land on her and she was having a last look at her lovely world or was it to convey her association with her whistling husband or such like.
I enjoyed the twist.
AJ

(03-19-2013, 11:50 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi,
I'm going to put it out there and say that I disagree with some of the other comments about the sense of this one.
I thought it read with perfectly clear meaning and made a good alternative view of the hero pilot returning from a raid.
This for me had, what is for me now, is becoming a recognisable signature twist from you concerning the world view.

I read it as follows: I felt drawn into a happy and stereotypical type of hero worship. The brave fighter pilot returns...but wait perhaps not so brave...it's just a paper stage for our brave hero, he didn't deliver his load and he's now in a sweat about the unexploded bomb in the air turbulence / tank slappers (biking term that comes before the terminal earth sky experience!). So our brave hero ditches before he goes in to land. The only line that had me chewing over the meaning was did the farmer's wife smile at the whistling because she knew a bomb was about to land on her and she was having a last look at her lovely world or was it to convey her association with her whistling husband or such like.
I enjoyed the twist.
AJ

Many thanks AJ we must be on the same wave length It was the girl that smiled at the whistling but as Tectak said you wouldn't know that because its inside my head, your understandings of the main theme give me some room for a half smile, thanks Keith oh and tank slap is no fun I can tell you, from experience

I think a little interesting vagueness can be good, especially if it becomes clear at the end. That's what compelled me to jump to the start and read it again. So, maybe you can clarify a bit, but don't over do it.

Mikey.

(03-20-2013, 02:51 PM)NakedBear Wrote:  I think a little interesting vagueness can be good, especially if it becomes clear at the end. That's what compelled me to jump to the start and read it again. So, maybe you can clarify a bit, but don't over do it.

Mikey.

Thanks for the advice Mikey, will do, best TOMH

tectak wrote :-

Farm yard kitchen, tea towel over sink, bacon sizzling,
tiny shoes have just brought in fresh eggs, Lovely. Ditch the rest and sell this stanza on its own.
she smiles at the whistling, looks up at the morning,
moments before the bomb slams through the roof.

So I had a go and have posted an alternate edit. Thanks TOMH