*Final Edit

The man down the hall
watches me leave every morning.

I catch him staring at me.

I smile and wave, he throws rocks
through his own windows;
I would like to avoid him today.

I do like it when he grows
flowers in spring - seems to
smile more those days.

His pill boxes overflow with Zinnia,
reminds me of a wedding.

In winter he shovels salt
and subdued by the heavy air.

Thick beards make 
for small talk, chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
full of people scampering about
like ants under glass - 

hum of Cicada in the trees
voices in manic phase.

Those evenings he paces in circles
screaming at me with his ice black eyes
electrically peering through me
in me, from me.

I slap my face with water
bite my arms, and pull glass from my forehead
because it's summer in my bathroom mirror.

I don't think I can take
the medication today.

I'm trying not to stare at him.



(Thank you everyone that helped me on this. It only took 8 years!)




The man across the street
Watches me leave every morning
I catch him staring at me

I smile and wave,
He throws rocks
Through his own windows;
I would like to avoid him today

I do like it when
He grows flowers in spring,
Seem to smile more those days
His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia
Reminds me of a wedding

In winter we shovel salt
He is subdued by the heavy air
Thick mustaches and black beards
Make for small talk,
Chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
Full of people scampering about,
Like ants under glass,
Trees full of Cicada; voices
In manic phase

Yesterday I heard him yelling at me
Pacing in circles on his porch
Screaming and screaming with
His ice black eyes, electrically peering
through me, at me, in me

I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror

I just don't think
I can take the medication tonight
I'm trying hard not to look at him






....Feels clean, like shaved eyebrows. Thank you for the suggestions everyone - Todd. I think I like them. I don't know if I'm finished....




--pre edit--

Please wake me
Before you leave,
I would like an early start

The man across the street
Watches me leave every morning
I catch him staring at me, just staring

I smile and wave,
He throws rocks
Through his own windows;
I would like to avoid him today

I do like it when
He grows flowers in spring,
Seem to smile more those days
His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia
Reminds me of a wedding

In winter we shovel salt
He is subdued by the heavy air and
Manual labor
Thick mustaches and black beards
Make for small talk,
Chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
Full of people scampering about,
Like ants under glass,
Trees full of Cicada; voices
In manic phase

Yesterday I heard him yelling at me
Pacing in circles on his porch
Screaming and screaming with
His ice black eyes, electrically peering
through me, at me, in me

I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror

I just don't think
I can take the medication tonight
I'm trying hard not to look at him-

But tomorrow
He will fight me for it,
He'll wake me early
And keep me on that porch all day,
I just know it

Hi Tmanzano, welcome to the site. We require that posters critique a poem first before posting in Mild or Serious. I've moved your poem for the time being. Once you've given a critique, let a mod know and we'll be happy to move it back.

oh, my apologies. Thank you.

Not a problem. You're new to the site, it happens.

---

Very cool approach to madness. Comments below:

(03-18-2013, 01:55 PM)tmanzano Wrote:  Please wake me
Before you leave,
I would like an early start

I would consider starting with S2 as "the man" feels like a more fitting start for this poem

The man across the street--consider pulling watches me up to end this line. It would build immediate tension
Watches me leave every morning
I catch him staring at me, just staring--lines like this are repetitions that would work well in prose narratives but are not necessary since watches me gets you there already

I smile and wave,
He throws rocks
Through his own windows;--great detail
I would like to avoid him today

I do like it when
He grows flowers in spring,
Seem to smile more those days
His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia--nice double use of pill boxes, literal and figurative for a flower box. Nice phrasing
Reminds me of a wedding

In winter we shovel salt
He is subdued by the heavy air and--you may not need the
Manual labor
Thick mustaches and black beards
Make for small talk,
Chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
Full of people scampering about,
Like ants under glass,
Trees full of Cicada; voices
In manic phase

Yesterday I heard him yelling at me
Pacing in circles on his porch
Screaming and screaming with
His ice black eyes, electrically peering--love this line and the tension behind it
through me, at me, in me

I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror--again, I love this progression

I just don't think
I can take the medication tonight
I'm trying hard not to look at him-

But tomorrow
He will fight me for it,
He'll wake me early
And keep me on that porch all day,
I just know it

While I actually love your two ending lines, the poem might actually be stronger and more threatening to end on the previous strophe with, "I'm trying hard not to look at him.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Todd

Todd, I really love your suggestions and ideas here. This is so helpful. Everything in your post is so inspiring. I can't wait to get home and work on editing. Thank you for the time you have put in to my post here. A very humbled thank you.

Stellar poem...insightful and intelligent. Todd gave some excellent feedback, as always...he is a brilliant poet with a lot of knowledge, so I heed his advice, myself.
I am struck so intensely with all that can be inferred from the primary image created in the first stanza. The old man, the angry man (lonely? bitter? sad? grieving? ashamed?) that throws rocks through his OWN window in retaliation to a proffered gesture of good will. I envision a human and social tragedy in this image. I envision the beaten cornered dog that snaps at the hand offering a scrap of food.
So sad, so insightful.

(03-19-2013, 01:09 AM)softlyfalling Wrote:  Stellar poem...insightful and intelligent. Todd gave some excellent feedback, as always...he is a brilliant poet with a lot of knowledge, so I heed his advice, myself.
I am struck so intensely with all that can be inferred from the primary image created in the first stanza. The old man, the angry man (lonely? bitter? sad? grieving? ashamed?) that throws rocks through his OWN window in retaliation to a proffered gesture of good will. I envision a human and social tragedy in this image. I envision the beaten cornered dog that snaps at the hand offering a scrap of food.
So sad, so insightful.

Such thoughtful remarks. Thank you so much. I may have left to many questions on the table here. I need to work on the development for the reader. This piece is about one person. I am trying to address multiple personality disorder. All that you have invisioned is accurate. With this being said, I will work on an edit that brings that more to the surface without giving too much away. That to me is where the rubber meets the road if you will. Thank you for your kind words. I can't wait to get back to work on this.

It's always a balancing act. I got it without question at the bathroom mirror, though I suspected it. I'm never against clarity, but I'd caution you not to give away the reveal. I wouldn't do more than hint.

Just a quick opinion.

(03-19-2013, 02:29 AM)Todd Wrote:  It's always a balancing act. I got it without question at the bathroom mirror, though I suspected it. I'm never against clarity, but I'd caution you not to give away the reveal. I wouldn't do more than hint.

Just a quick opinion.

Bravo Todd. Bathroom mirror. Thank you.

Bravo, tmanzano! This is fine writing. Clever and ingenious, startling and disturbing. Like Todd, I feel it ended at "I'm trying hard not to look at him".
my best,
Heart

Wow, I'm not in a position to critique it's form or anything, but I absolutely loved this poem. It took me by surprise, and i love the change of tone here:

"I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror"

Wonderful.

I've been meaning to comment on this for ages. I'm just not sure how to say what I feel about this piece. I feel like I "get it" but it took me a while to get there. It's so disturbing yet in an odd way I feel quite comforted by it... It's lovely yet creepy, well written yet raw. Anyway just wanted to say bravo. Keep posting.

@Heart... A very humbled thank you. As soon as life, work, and time permits I will be making those edits. I agree with the ending edits suggested.

---

@Medusa Thank you. This is my favorite part...

@justcloudy What a great compliment. I am most honored by getting the "creepy" feeling. I will try to keep posting. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

--original--

Please wake me
Before you leave,
I would like an early start

The man across the street
Watches me leave every morning
I catch him staring at me, just staring

I smile and wave,
He throws rocks
Through his own windows;
I would like to avoid him today

I do like it when
He grows flowers in spring,
Seem to smile more those days
His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia
Reminds me of a wedding

In winter we shovel salt
He is subdued by the heavy air and
Manual labor
Thick mustaches and black beards
Make for small talk,
Chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
Full of people scampering about,
Like ants under glass,
Trees full of Cicada; voices
In manic phase

Yesterday I heard him yelling at me
Pacing in circles on his porch
Screaming and screaming with
His ice black eyes, electrically peering
through me, at me, in me

I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror

I just don't think
I can take the medication tonight
I'm trying hard not to look at him-

But tomorrow
He will fight me for it,
He'll wake me early
And keep me on that porch all day,
I just know it


--edit--


The man across the street
Watches me leave every morning
I catch him staring at me

I smile and wave,
He throws rocks
Through his own windows;
I would like to avoid him today

I do like it when
He grows flowers in spring,
Seem to smile more those days
His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia
Reminds me of a wedding

In winter we shovel salt
He is subdued by the heavy air
Thick mustaches and black beards
Make for small talk,
Chit chat

This summer has been crazy hot
Full of people scampering about,
Like ants under glass,
Trees full of Cicada; voices
In manic phase

Yesterday I heard him yelling at me
Pacing in circles on his porch
Screaming and screaming with
His ice black eyes, electrically peering
through me, at me, in me

I slap my face with water
Bite my arms and pull glass
From my forehead
Because it's summer
In my bathroom mirror

I just don't think
I can take the medication tonight
I'm trying hard not to look at him


Feels clean, like shaved eyebrows. Thank you for the suggestions everyone - Todd. I think I like them. I don't know if I'm finished.

Beautiful edit.

One minor suggestion to consider (and this adds a different sort of nuance):

I do like it when he grows
Flowers in spring,

Not sure if you'll like the implication, but figured I'd post an option.

I like how tight this reads.

Best,

Todd

This post is crazy hot, ( great title,btw), love the edited version. Blown away by this superb writing.
Heart

(03-23-2013, 01:13 PM)Todd Wrote:  Beautiful edit.

One minor suggestion to consider (and this adds a different sort of nuance):

I do like it when he grows
Flowers in spring,

Not sure if you'll like the implication, but figured I'd post an option.

I like how tight this reads.

Best,

Todd

This has kept me up most of the night... I'm still unsettled by it. I am tempted by your suggestion here. It would change a nuance in this piece to a foundational stanza. This is a tough one Todd. Very well thought out suggestion here. This may take me a day or two... Leaning toward it.

---

(03-24-2013, 12:11 AM)Heartafire Wrote:  This post is crazy hot, ( great title,btw), love the edited version. Blown away by this superb writing.
Heart

A very enthusiastic thank you Heartfire. Incredibly humbled...

Yeah, I knew the implication of it would be a major shift. Either way, I really like what you've done.

Tight visual poem, enjoyed it very much. Thanks for the read.

(03-24-2013, 03:19 AM)lolo Wrote:  Tight visual poem, enjoyed it very much. Thanks for the read.

lolo thank you for your comments...

@ Todd--- still torn...