Uncharted

I thought Columbus discovered the world.
But that just reminds me of Ohio.
And then I cry because that's why I'm here.
It's the O(h)'s

The endlessness of my neighbors screaming
at 3:30am being pushed and shoved
The floor becomes your frenemy
you're too tired to answer the same questions.
Your youtube playlist on continuous
casual sex.
Friends trying to understand but only groping
straws for the ridiculous cups, you only needed to drink bottles of wine.

But my hair looks great in pigtails now.
Even if I can't recognize the smell of it I still made another appointment
in 5 days, he is there inevitably.
But he'll be wisps of cigarette smoke
slippery, at least.

And then I'm better
back to nightmares
being enough and dreams
of having more than a box full of
dust and your name.
Crying attacks ensue, "you really should take some allergy meds"

Once I learn how to wear these pigtails
outside of toplessness and my English degree

I'm keeping the pants.



Thanks for any feedback. I can feel a lot of editing to go on this one, but I needed to get it out there before I deleted it completely.

it read pretty well michelle.
not sure the 1st stanza does you any favours at all though is frenemey and friend who's an enemy ?
you could maybe trim it a little, things line the 'so much' in the 2nd line. think about words like because and your and you, often many of them can be removed; making the poem stronger.

keep a grip of the punctuation. a period before a cap etc.
straws for the ridiculous cups you only needed to drink bottles of wine is almost a great image. but need some clarity.

there is lots of good stuff going on. i admit to not being sure if the poem has anything to do with sex or not, the pigtails feel a little on the hooter side of poetry or adversley it could be a shrink. maybe a line of thought that is a little clearer.

that said, the poem has quailty hidden within it

thanks for the read.

(03-10-2013, 07:14 PM)Michelle311 Wrote:  Uncharted

I thought Columbus discovered the world.
But that just reminds me of Ohio.
And then I cry because that's why I'm here.
It's the O(h)'s

The endlessness of my neighbors screaming
at 3:30am being pushed and shoved so much
The floor becomes your frenemy because
you're too tired to answer the same questions
you thought you figured it all out.
Your youtube playlist on continuous
casual sex
Your friends trying to understand but only groping
straws for the ridiculous cups you only needed to drink bottles of wine

But my hair looks great in pigtails now
Even if I can't recognize the smell of it I still made another appointment
In 5 days, he'll be there inevitably
But he'll be wisps of cigarette smoke
slippery, at least

And then I'm better
back to nightmares
being enough and dreams
of having more than a box full of
dust and your name
crying attacks ensue, "you really should take some allergy meds"

Once I learn how to wear these pigtails
outside of toplessness and my English degree

I'm keeping the pants.



Thanks for any feedback. I can feel a lot of editing to go on this one, but I needed to get it out there before I deleted it completely.

Thanks for the comments, billy. I definitely agree with the trimming and I'll correct the punctuation mistakes.
The imagery is going to take some thinking.
I was just telling a friend of mine that I needed to get rid of the first stanza, but it is a very emotional part of the poem for me, so perhaps I'll try to keep it if I can make it work.
I'll also work on that clarifying thoughtfulness. I have to get there myself

Thanks again

---

Oh! And yes. A frenemy is a friend/enemy.

thanks for the kind reply.

i'm not sure i phrased it right. with the imagery; i was just on about that one line being tweaked (just a little, a comma or semi colon after cups, perhaps. )

Thanks for the clarification! That's much easier to think about