At a very first glance you’re so fragile and frail
Who would of known your past holds such a tale
You walk with a cane and a hunched over back
Never do you get any slack

I heard your story in an odd place
A glass room just off the track of a horse race
When you spoke no one would speak
I stood on a chair just to get a peek

The stories you told gave me the chills
Filling my arms with many little hills
I caught sight of your eyes glistening bright
You held back tears with all your might

Just as you finished the race begun
Horses went off to the sound of a gun
Ignoring the horses my eyes remained on you
I know you could sense them since you looked at me too

I was aiming for imagery

(02-28-2013, 06:24 AM)lostinthewind Wrote:  At a very first glance you’re so fragile and frail
Who would of known your past holds such a tale -- would have
You walk with a cane and a hunched over back
Never do you get any slack -- the meter in this first stanza is quite good, it echoes the gallop of the horses that follow later in the poem, and this short line to finish holds promise of more to come

I heard your story in an odd place -- this line is short if you want to stick to the meter you set up in the first stanza. Perhaps "in a rather odd place"?
A glass room just off the track of a horse race -- and this line's a shade too long
When you spoke no one would speak -- too short again -- with rhyming couplets in particular, it's quite important to be consistent with your rhythms
I stood on a chair just to get a peek -- overall this stanza builds well on the first, with insights into what the old man enjoys, or at least where he spends his time now

The stories you told gave me the chills
Filling my arms with many little hills
I caught sight of your eyes glistening bright
You held back tears with all your might -- "all your might" is an empty, overused phrase, which is a shame because "bright" is not a difficult word to rhyme.

Just as you finished the race begun -- the grammar is wrong here -- it should be either "began" or "had begun"
Horses went off to the sound of a gun
Ignoring the horses my eyes remained on you
I know you could sense them since you looked at me too

I was aiming for imagery -- you really don't need to say this -- imagery should be a given with poetry, and it's a fairly meaningless word as it's just an umbrella term for a whole host of different poetic techniques.

You do build the character reasonably well, although it probably could have done with either another stanza or a few less filler phrases/words -- my suggestion would be the latter.

As I said, when you're using rhyming couplets in a standard form like this, it's really important to pay attention to the meter or the rhymes fall in the wrong places and the effect is lost. There are plenty of exercises to help with your meter in the Poetry Practice forum.

I re edited the poem, do you think this is any better?


At a very first glance you’re so fragile and frail,
Who would have known your past holds such a tale.
You walk with a cane and a hunched over back,
Never do you get any slack.

I heard your story in a rather odd place,
A room just off the track of a horse race.
When you spoke no one around would speak,
I stood on a chair just to get a peek.

The stories you told gave me the chills,
Filling my arms with many little hills.
I caught sight of your eyes glistening bright,
A tear slipped out with such delight.

Just as you finished the race had begun,
Horses went off to the sound of a gun.
Ignoring the horses my eyes remained on you,
I know you could sense them since you looked at me too.

When I started posting on poetry forums ~3 yrs ago (the now seemingly defunct poets.org forum), I remember that whenever a “beginner” posted something like this, the response would always be to save rhyme and meter for when you’re a grown up poet. I think I basically agree; beginners (and I include myself) should write all types of poetry, but should probably mostly not post metrical and rhymed poems (give or take).

Anywhoo, sorry about that, I digress . I do think you accomplished what you set out to aim for; giving a solid image of a person and place. Some details…

S1: Don’t really like “such a tale”, sort of overused like “once upon a time” (the phrase, not tv show). Rhyming back with slack also sounds a bit jarring.

S2: The glass room image is the best here for me, but don’t label it as an “odd place”; let the image do that for us.

S3: Don’t like “gave me the chills”, but I like Goosebumps as “many little hills”. The image of the tears and eyes glistening could also be elaborated on, otherwise they again sound overused.

I like the motion in the poem; S1 general, S2 and 3 describe things, S4 to the races. So yeah, I think it’s a good idea; definitely worth returning to. Anyway, thanks for the read.

Gary

"the response would always be to save rhyme and meter for when you’re a grown up poet."

Who wants to be a grown up poet? Rhyme and meter are only as difficult as any other aspect of writing good poetry. Why wait? And what if you want to write rhyming poetry? It's different depending on the person. I worked a lot about a decade and a half ago, writing rhyming poetry, and I think I did all right, then I got really sick of it, and now whenever I do it, I feel like I'm not into it, and it's no good. But that's me.

(02-28-2013, 09:24 AM)rowens Wrote:  Who wants to be a grown up poet? Rhyme and meter are only as difficult as any other aspect of writing good poetry. Why wait? And what if you want to write rhyming poetry? It's different depending on the person. I worked a lot about a decade and a half ago, writing rhyming poetry, and I think I did all right, then I got really sick of it, and now whenever I do it, I feel like I'm not into it, and it's no good. But that's me.

You're probably right, might be my own insecurity with form. It is something i heard on other forums, though. Anyway, sry, don't want to steer things away from the poem at hand

(02-28-2013, 08:51 AM)lostinthewind Wrote:  I re edited the poem, do you think this is any better?


At a very first glance you’re so fragile and frail, the "very" word is redundant and wrong. It is redundant because the "first" glance cannot be second....or third.....or...well, you get it. It is wrong because you cannot have degrees of superlatives. It is like saying, and we do, "almost perfect" or "the very best" or " totally new" Its not a crime but it is a nit
Who would have known your past holds such a tale.
You walk with a cane and a hunched over back,
Never do you get any slack. This is a hideously forced rhyme. It is obvious to me that you are always commited to the last word of the first line of these couplets. It is your poem so if you struggle to rhyme L2 with L1....change L1:
You walk with a cane, back hunched and bowed,
no one to help you carry life's load.
...or something


I heard your story in a rather odd place,
A room just off the track of a horse race.
When you spoke no one around would speak,
I stood on a chair just to get a peek. The meter struggles a good deal. You are, by accident or design, galloping. Sometimes you stumble but then you fall. I thought you were reading your work with a "personal" style of emphases.....but no. You do need to work on meter...especially if you are also using strict rhyme scheme. The precision of the one highlights the failings of the other:
A room near a track, where horses would race.

The stories you told gave me the chills,
Filling my arms with many little hills. Filling is not the best word. Painting my arms with goose-bumpy hills. Your poem and this is a good line anyway. Nice imagery.
I caught sight of your eyes glistening bright,
A tear slipped out with such delight. Same old same old. Seems inverse forced. Dangerously close to shooting an elephant in your pyjamas

Just as you finished the race had begun,punctuate to clarity. Comma after finished
Horses went off to the sound of a gun. This line is to blatantly a filler, though you need to get the image projected to the reader to set up the next lines. You have a two horse race in this stanza. Shoot one.
and then they were off to the crack of the gun!
but I did not see horses, I only saw you
You sensed I was staring....you looked at me, too.
.....or something
Ignoring the horses my eyes remained on you,
I know you could sense them since you looked at me too. Errr....you sensed the horses? Yep. They are quite hard to locate. Small, tippy-toeing creatures that make no sound as they er.....gallop by.:-)

This is a little Readers Write in the Sunday tabloids but you can make it much better.Please stick with this as a test-bed prototype. You will get a lot of workshopping help if you can respond to crit in a mature way.
Best,
tectak