Hi ho!

First I want to say that i have been writing poetry for a while, but always in Spanish or Catalan (my 2 first languages), but as I am now living in India, it kinda came to me writing in English!

I just wrote 5 or 6 poems so far and I still have a lot to learn and to go in English poetry! So I will post one of them now and I accept all kind of critics! Please take in mind English is my 3rd language, so I may even have grammar, spelling or other kind of errors (even if I rechecked them for that many times!)... sorry if any, and thank you for the help!


Sorrow's rain

From sadness clouds
falls sorrow's rain,
my feelings' sprouts
reborn and drained.
Dead whereabouts
will now remain,
some silent shouts
of death from pain.

---

Love Phantom ^_^

EDIT: Changed the title of the post.
EDIT 2: Fixed a grammar problem.
EDIT 3, 4 and 5: More grammar mistakes.

hi love phantom and welcome to the site.

there are some grammar problems. in the 2nd line it should be sorrow's i think, and on the 3rd it should be sprout.
other than that it's not too bad, if you use microsoft word it should help with the grammar side of things.
the problem the poem does have is that it has no specifics, some depth would improve the poem a lot

(02-27-2013, 11:40 PM)billy Wrote:  hi love phantom and welcome to the site.

there are some grammar problems. in the 2nd line it should be sorrow's i think, and on the 3rd it should be sprout.
other than that it's not too bad, if you use microsoft word it should help with the grammar side of things.
the problem the poem does have is that it has no specifics, some depth would improve the poem a lot

Oh yeah, u are totally right... sorrow is a noun in English,in spanish it can be an adjective too (checked with word and it did not complain about it) and sprouts is not plural of sprout? (noun, not verb). Maybe i am trying to "play with words" the same way i do in spanish and it sounds weird in english!

About the depth and specifics... i kinda feel there is a lot of depth in it... it talks about the feelings when an almost non born love is gone, its not random images on it, every word has a meaning... The crying and pain, the love that just born dies (dried), the emptiness that comes afterwards... the deaf silence of a dead heart. All this just happened to me now...

But maybe the concept of depth u are saying is different than mine, so if u could please develop it more it will help me a lot.

Thank you a lot for your comments!

From sadness clouds
falls sorrow's rain,
my feelings sprouts
reborn and drained.
Dead whereabouts
will now remain,
some silent shouts
of death from pain.

Is it: from sad clouds fall sorrowful rain? Is that the meaning you want?

And, do you mean: your feeling's sprouts, reborn and drained. I think you can use sprouts as a noun.

---

feelings' sprouts

(02-28-2013, 01:09 AM)rowens Wrote:  From sadness clouds
falls sorrow's rain,
my feelings sprouts
reborn and drained.
Dead whereabouts
will now remain,
some silent shouts
of death from pain.

Is it: from sad clouds fall sorrowful rain? Is that the meaning you want?

And, do you mean: your feeling's sprouts, reborn and drained. I think you can use sprouts as a noun.

---

feelings' sprouts

Ok... i kinda feel ashamed now... tried to do a step in english poetry but i am guessing my english knowledge is not enought!

From L1 and L2 what i wanna say is that i am crying out of pain (thats the message behind it), but the image i wanna picture is what u said more or less... from clouds that are sad, a rain of sorrow is falling.

About L3 and L4, what i want to say is that my feelings where just reborn but they died before being able to grow... so its like the sprouts of my feelings dried just after being reborn. So yes, its feeling's sprouts as u said

Thank you a lot!!

PS: sorry for all this grammar things... i will review next ones more intensely and ask some friends before posting (as word proved not to be an useful tool and i made kinda a fool of myself).

I don't know a word of Catalan. It's: feelings', if it's plural possessive.

(02-28-2013, 01:23 AM)rowens Wrote:  I don't know a word of Catalan. It's: feelings', if it's plural possessive.

Exactly, thanks! The sprouts of my feelings.

Now you have sadness in the first line. Sadness is a noun. Sometimes people play with language, like you said. But is that what you want? Or do you want sad clouds, or clouds of sadness?

(02-28-2013, 01:32 AM)rowens Wrote:  Now you have sadness in the first line. Sadness is a noun. Sometimes people play with language, like you said. But is that what you want? Or do you want sad clouds, or clouds of sadness?

Yup... clouds of sadness... so From sadness clouds is right?

Usually it's sad as an adjective. Sadness as the state of being sad, or like someone's sadness, both as a noun. But sometimes people use nouns as adjectives for various reasons, though some would say it's not technically correct.

You're right about: falls sorrow's rain. Falls with the s, I mean. Though sometimes people think of individual raindrops, and they say fall. I'd say falls, too though. I had a poem where I wrote falls in a similar situation, but when I read it out loud I said fall, because I liked it better. Sometimes I didn't and said it the way I wrote it.

Language is always evolving. But if you're trying to be clear, and new to the language, I guess it's best to know the "accepted usage". Then later on, you can play around with it all you want. People talk all kinds of ways, sometimes the incorrect things stick and become "Accepted". But you probably know that already.

If I understand your meaning, I believe 'sadness clouds' is correct. You aren't saying the clouds are sad, you are saying that they consist of/are made out of sadness, right? Its like saying a brick wall, instead of a wall made of bricks,though they mean the same thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

(I like sadness in the title (catchy) but have to agree with Rowens: It is just sad clouds).
what I like in your poem is the music it makes when i read it aloud to myself.

I think you wrote a fine poem here.

cheers
Serge

(Oh, and sad clouds for a title would be catchy too.)