Look for those who care
Look for those who know
the life I knew
the one I left behind
and I drive
to that familiar place
and I find
love from a familiar face
and I
sit back and enjoy the ride.

Where I've been
promises broken
attempts to mend
they go unspoken
still, I carry on

cause worries I have
they've all been lifted
the world I wrote
the pages shifted
now, I carry on

I carry on
I carry on
I carry on
I carry on

Wolves they speak
please don't listen
don't turn your head
to see blood glisten
just carry on

worries i have
they've all been lifted
the world I wrote
the pages shifted
now, I carry on

I carry on
carry on
just carry on
still carry on

hi Aaron
as I read this I could almost hear a melody. is it just a poem or are you looking to turn it into a song? I think it'd work well as one of those simple melody singer-songwriter kind of songs. Part of the reason is the rhythm but also because I couldn't get a clear image of what you were trying to get across with your words... I think put to music whatever message you're trying to give would be amplified.
anyway, just my 2 cents. =]

(02-26-2013, 01:45 AM)goldyfish Wrote:  hi Aaron
as I read this I could almost hear a melody. is it just a poem or are you looking to turn it into a song? I think it'd work well as one of those simple melody singer-songwriter kind of songs. Part of the reason is the rhythm but also because I couldn't get a clear image of what you were trying to get across with your words... I think put to music whatever message you're trying to give would be amplified.
anyway, just my 2 cents. =]

Yeah, it is for sure a song. Just curious what you guys think about it. Is there anything you would change to smooth out the rhythm?

well I don't have too much for you but here are two little areas that you might wanna work on:

"the life I knew
the one I left behind"
-the second line there seems forced/ too long. condense it maybe?

"and I drive
to that familiar place
and I find
love from a familiar face"
-the last line has an extra syllable. personally I think "love from familiar faces" would work better, but you may not like the "s" in there. I think especially for a song exact rhymes aren't too important. imo.

hi aaron.

i'd suggest using the verse verse as a long chorus
and making the 2nd verse the start of the song, other than that i have no ideas. we do have a miscellaneous forum for stuff that isn't just poetry, songs, spoken word stuff etc. maybe you'd get better feedback in there from some of the musicians on the site. carry on fels a little weak as a title.

(02-25-2013, 05:06 PM)aaron Wrote:  Look for those who care
Look for those who know
the life I knew
the one I left behind
and I drive
to that familiar place
and I find
love from a familiar face
and I
sit back and enjoy the ride.

Where I've been
promises broken
attempts to mend
they go unspoken
still, I carry on

cause worries I have
they've all been lifted
the world I wrote
the pages shifted
now, I carry on

I carry on
I carry on
I carry on
I carry on

Wolves they speak
please don't listen
don't turn your head
to see blood glisten
just carry on

worries i have
they've all been lifted
the world I wrote
the pages shifted
now, I carry on

I carry on
carry on
just carry on
still carry on