Revision

You see what you think
is a grifter's sleight,

the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.

As if I were some shiny coin
to pluck from behind a child's ear.

Instead like a long-eared manx in a box, I wait
(in two states) for the saw's rasp of quantum certainty.

The universe is 182 cubic centimeters,
cold silk, brimmed, and oscillating with heat death.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.

Original

You see what you think
is the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.

You look to his hands
expecting
a grifter's sleight.

I am not some shiny coin
to pluck from behind an ear.
I am like the cat in the box
(in two states) waiting
for quantum certainty.

The universe is cold
silk and brimmed
with heat death.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.

The title is excellent, nothing that wasn't me being picku, the heat line is the only one i struggled with. other than that i found it to be an excellent read. really tight

(02-15-2013, 01:33 PM)Todd Wrote:  You see what you think would this line look better on it's own? maybe as the 3rd line?
is the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.

You look to his hands
expecting
a grifter's sleight.

I am not some shiny coin
to pluck from behind an ear.
I am like the cat in the box
(in two states) waiting would waiting work inside the brackets (waiting in two states)
for quantum certainty.

The universe is cold
silk and brimmed
with heat death. heat death sort of threw me

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception. love this and the next two lines, it rounds off the references to alice

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.

Agree, enjoyed the read.

Appreciated the Schrodinger’s Cat reference. Perhaps you could make it in two lines and not three? Saying the cat’s in two states might suffice (or just that it’s waiting for quantum certainty, or something like that).

I read “cold silk” together in S4, picturing frigid fibers filling a void, that’s also brimmed with heat death. I’m temped to ask whether this is the correct interpretation, though I’m also content with reading the poem without understanding parts of it.

Nice ending. There IS no hat! It’s all been a lie! Anywhoo, think that’s all for now..

I have always hated time. I know it's not what we think it is -- that our measurements are arbitrary and we're getting hung up on manmade constructs. Sometimes trying to work out what it actually is keeps me up at night. This is of great concern to myself and anyone who takes note of the state of my faculties. Nonetheless...

I enjoy the idea of God as a cheap carnie magician. I wonder if "an ear" could be enhanced with a bit more detail, like "a child's ear"? Love the Schrodinger thing but I wonder, is there any way to make it Schrodinger's rabbit? Just musing... pay no attention

"there is no hat" is a concept I'm very happy with as I make the same assertion at every opportunity. Not always with hats... but then I'm not from Texas.

The third stanza's my favourite. The nod to Schrödinger's cat is very clever without being pretentious or esoteric. It's a strangely melancholy and surreal stanza, like a passage from a Philip K. Dick novel (or maybe I've just been dazzled by "quantum", rube that I am) Some of the stuff in the surrounding stanzas is a bit too vague and thin, like "heat death", which felt inanely contrived (also, could "silk" be moved up a line, going on the principle that each line is a separate sentence clause?) Otherwise, it's an oddly powerful poem. Critique is JMHO; thanks for the read

Hey all, thank you for the great comments.

Billy: Interesting idea on reversing those lines in S1. I have some ideas on the heat death strophe. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks

Gary: I liked your read on cold silk. I'll consider the cat ideas. Thanks for the read and thoughts.

Leanne: I love the stream of consciousness. I will add child's (that's perfect). I'll think about the rabbit in the box. Hell I could tie the sawing in half thing with the box. That might be a good riff on schrodinger. Nice Texas comment.

Jack: Some cool thoughts and comments. Again, I'm going to address the heat death one, thanks for weighing in. Much appreciated.

---

Well here's the first edit.

I do like the inversion of those first few lines... and I'm pleased you went with the H line

*oscillating

Thanks Leanne.

Oh, and fixed the typo, nice catch. I count on the red of that spell check too much. Got it on the edit at least.

you know, I have just recently finished reading 'A A in wonderland' and 'through the looking glass' for the Nth time. I put the book down, go onto pigpenpoetry.com, and find this lovely poem. Thanks.

One thing, i may be way off here, but I assume you are making a reference to the matrix 'there is no spoon' in the last line. I just feel cultural references have to be either recent or old, the matrix is neither. It was the only thing.

Here's the dumb thing now that you mention the matrix I see the connection. It was probably floating in my subconscious as I wrote this. Thanks for the comments Shem.

(02-15-2013, 01:33 PM)Todd Wrote:  Revision
I just know I like this from the first line. This will be a biassed crit. PS I have been away..have you been elevated in rank? Are congrats in order? Should I go away again?
You see what you think
is a grifter's sleight,

the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.Brilliantly confusing opening which forces a reread. Did you see what you think you didn't see? Works for me

As if I were some shiny coin
to pluck from behind a child's ear. slight technical issue with "to pluck" . Past tense "were" begs for "plucked". Picky.

Instead like a long-eared manx in a box, I waitcomma after "instead" but then fine. I just keep seeing the quantum finalties, not as dead or alive, but as with or without a tail
(in two states) for the saw's rasp of quantum certainty. great stuff. Envious

The universe is 182 cubic centimeters,
cold silk, brimmed, and oscillating with heat death.entropic heat death which oscillates gives a great feeling of the total breakdown of accepted normalities. The hat image will last until the end.........of this poem and time. Superb imagery. If you are not offended, as simple as it can be...but no simpler.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.Grounded perfectly on planet Alice. This is good stuff, todd. It is surreal metaphysics with you in the mix. Still puzzled by the stanza breaks but feel that you have thought them through much more thoroughly in this piece than usual.
Best,
tectak

Original

You see what you think
is the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.

You look to his hands
expecting
a grifter's sleight.

I am not some shiny coin
to pluck from behind an ear.
I am like the cat in the box
(in two states) waiting
for quantum certainty.

The universe is cold
silk and brimmed
with heat death.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.

I always appreciate your comments. Even when they're along the lines of: I'm mystified as to your bizarre arbitrary choice here.

In this case, it was a favorable response. Either way, I always feel I get helpful comments.

Thanks for the walk through of your responses. Its very helpful to see that progression as I consider editing (which again is usually a pretty slow process with me).

Thank you again for taking the time.

Best,

Todd

(02-18-2013, 05:03 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(02-15-2013, 01:33 PM)Todd Wrote:  Revision
I just know I like this from the first line. This will be a biassed crit. PS I have been away..have you been elevated in rank? Are congrats in order? Should I go away again?
You see what you think
is a grifter's sleight,

the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.Brilliantly confusing opening which forces a reread. Did you see what you think you didn't see? Works for me

As if I were some shiny coin
to pluck from behind a child's ear. slight technical issue with "to pluck" . Past tense "were" begs for "plucked". Picky.

Instead like a long-eared manx in a box, I waitcomma after "instead" but then fine. I just keep seeing the quantum finalties, not as dead or alive, but as with or without a tail
(in two states) for the saw's rasp of quantum certainty. great stuff. Envious

The universe is 182 cubic centimeters,
cold silk, brimmed, and oscillating with heat death.entropic heat death which oscillates gives a great feeling of the total breakdown of accepted normalities. The hat image will last until the end.........of this poem and time. Superb imagery. If you are not offended, as simple as it can be...but no simpler.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.Grounded perfectly on planet Alice. This is good stuff, todd. It is surreal metaphysics with you in the mix. Still puzzled by the stanza breaks but feel that you have thought them through much more thoroughly in this piece than usual.
Best,
tectak

Original

You see what you think
is the Red Queen creased
by the hand of God.

You look to his hands
expecting
a grifter's sleight.

I am not some shiny coin
to pluck from behind an ear.
I am like the cat in the box
(in two states) waiting
for quantum certainty.

The universe is cold
silk and brimmed
with heat death.

Your stories give us watches.
We are late, ever late.
Even this is perception.

I speak a mystery;
there is no hat.