I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!

1st Edit:
To Kathy
Dusk sings a ballad,
And streetlamps highlight
Your quivering lips
Searching for words,
Your glinting eyes
Brimming with expectance.
The moon hums the blues
Of your defences coming down.

Our embrace
Is a dance screaming for avowal.
Once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dims,
And I hear
The stars applauding.


Original:
To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon
Signal the fortress’ crumbling.

The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding.

hi brandon

i like the latter half (the last two stanza) the first stanza feels like it's trying to hard to be poetry. write it in the style of the last two and i'm sure it'll shine.

(02-06-2013, 04:47 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!

To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling cliche
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon i have yet to hear the moon hum
Signal the fortress’ crumbling. this stanza feels to cold, too tight.

The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air, is So needed?
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding. like the ending a lot, it reeks of that singing in the rain feeling

---

it's not too bad

Thanks Billy! Greatly appreciated! Is this edit better? =x

Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Trembling eyes,
Quivering lips.
Quiet hums of nature
Sounding defences coming down.

I think the problem is that it's a little too impersonal. Does it come off that way? The whole poem, I mean.

(02-06-2013, 05:23 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  Thanks Billy! Greatly appreciated! Is this edit better? =x

Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Trembling eyes,
Quivering lips.
Quiet hums of nature
Sounding defences coming down.

I'm with billy on the original so will comment on the edit. You now have terse-verse. It needs to be dense to say a lot in a little. Problem. In short verse there is little between the beginning and the end in terms of time..so any shifts in tense become obvious. .Nothing wrong with this provided that you connect the narrative sympathetically. This reads a little list-like because of the omitted linkages. You have opted for this deliberately and so criticism may sting but it does seem a pity to plonk good images on the paper without connecting them together. I say this because you changed the humming moon to hums of nature without any arguement when billy commented on the meaning. That tells me that the meaning had no value....it was just a word list after all.
I don't say this often but this needs more good, poetic padding.
Best,
te tak

Thanks tectak! Do you mind elaborating on what you mean by poetic padding please? I get what you mean by that the first stanza doesn't really do much to the poem, and achieves nothing much. Also, I meant the humming to mean silence after the first 'I'll stay'. >< Guess that doesn't work out well.

Okay, here's another edit. Hopefully it did capture the essence of your comments tectak.

Dusk gets coloured
Into ballad,
And streetlamps highlight
Your trembling eyes,
Your quivering lips.
Quiet hums of the moon
Sound your defences coming down.

I decided to go back to the moon. Nature just doesn't fit the whole imagery I'm trying to build. =/

a few ands or its or theys etc. at the moment the top half has no feeling, no life. idf you read a love poem to a woman, would you read those words. while we often say tighten the poem up, this needs the opposite, let relax a little

---

Dusk coloured
Into a ballad of Street lamps
highlights for Trembling eyes,
and quivering lips.
the moon hums the blues
your defences come down.


i'm sure this isn't what you want but it's an example of how you can play around with what you have.

(02-06-2013, 06:07 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  Thanks tectak! Do you mind elaborating on what you mean by poetic padding please? I get what you mean by that the first stanza doesn't really do much to the poem, and achieves nothing much. Also, I meant the humming to mean silence after the first 'I'll stay'. >< Guess that doesn't work out well.

Okay, here's another edit. Hopefully it did capture the essence of your comments tectak.

This is YOUR poem so I am suggesting ONLY!


The reborn glimmer of streetlamps
glints on the tears in your eyes.
Dusk falls in to a spectrum of colour,
shifting from light into ballad.
From your quivering lips I hear
you quietly hum; the lament of a moon
with a distant earthly love.
It is the sound of your defences fading away.

Or something. Best, tectak

I decided to go back to the moon. Nature just doesn't fit the whole imagery I'm trying to build. =/

Brandon, why "ballad"? Where is the link between a ballad and the rest of the imagery? Who/what is "colouring" the dusk, and what colour is it being coloured? How/why do her eyes "tremble"? What are her defences specifically?

There is nothing wrong with using any of these terms but they MUST be given a context. That's (probably) what Tectak means by "poetic padding". If you're going to use an unusual phrase, just plonking it down in a list of other unusual phrases is not going to work. There needs to be a link -- if you're going to use "ballad" for example, link it with sounds. You already have humming. There's no need for the colouring, it should be a song.

(02-06-2013, 07:43 PM)Leanne Wrote:  Brandon, why "ballad"? Where is the link between a ballad and the rest of the imagery? Who/what is "colouring" the dusk, and what colour is it being coloured? How/why do her eyes "tremble"? What are her defences specifically?

There is nothing wrong with using any of these terms but they MUST be given a context. That's (probably) what Tectak means by "poetic padding". If you're going to use an unusual phrase, just plonking it down in a list of other unusual phrases is not going to work. There needs to be a link -- if you're going to use "ballad" for example, link it with sounds. You already have humming. There's no need for the colouring, it should be a song.

Thanks Leanne! =D That clear things up for me. =)

tectak: I too understand what you're getting at with your suggestion. There needs to be a link with the rest of the poem instead of just disconnected phrases.

The first edit is up. =x I hope it's better now! =) Thanks so much everyone! Everyone being Billy tectak and Leanne.

"Then the town dimmed" is past tense, the rest of the poem is present -- so that needs fixing

"The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal" -- this might work better as one line: our embrace is a dance screaming for avowal (or two if you break after embrace, but either way I think you need to get rid of the comma)

Casting a spell might be a bit out of place also. Is there something that might fit in with the music motif a bit better?

But all in all, this is better than the terse verse and definitely heading in the right direction.

---

PS. Love poems are easy enough when you're not actually in love... when the feelings are really there, they're a bugger to put down without sounding cheesy.

Thanks again! Well I thought about 'speak the magic words', but that sounds really cheesy. >< I kind of like casting a spell, though I can see how the vocal image is sort of broken. =/ Darn.

leave it a while and come back to it in a few weeks or even a month. you'll have more stuff under your belt and see it in a new light.

a good edit though

---

me bad just realised this is in serious.

will leave more solid feedback tomorrow

(02-06-2013, 08:12 PM)billy Wrote:  me bad just realised this is in serious.

will leave more solid feedback tomorrow

We measure feedback in terms of quality, not quantity/ admin ><

(02-06-2013, 04:47 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!
I am in a rush so I admit this going to be picky
1st Edit:
To Kathy
Dusk sings a ballad,
And streetlamps highlight no they do not....but the light from them does
Your quivering lips Not a "nice" image
Searching for words, Full stop here as you are finished with lips.Moving on...
Your glinting eyes
Brimming with expectance. brim with expectation
The moon hums the blues
Of your defences coming down. Lost me....and I love the Blues!

Our embrace
Is a dance screaming for avowal.
Once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.” Something juicy in here....I like it but fervently hope it is not a lemon. What was the question that elicted the answer "I'll stay". I had no idea you were leaving. Has she got mild halitosis that you can, on consideration thereof, live with?

Then the town dims,
And I hear
The stars applauding. Again, there is something I like in this but I cannot but feel that the character has a psychological condition. Humming moons and applauding stars even passed Van Gough by, and he took drugs

I think it just needs clarifying in its terminology now. Its fine to anthropomorphise the "moon and stars above" but you must give them traits which can be authenticated....otherwise you will be sectioned. Stars wink, blink and wander but they don't applaud or blow rasberries. The moon beams, strolls and hides but doesn't hum or play bassoon. That is all. Nice though.
Best,
tectak

Original:
To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon
Signal the fortress’ crumbling.

The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding.

great job so far on the edit

(02-06-2013, 04:47 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!

1st Edit:
To Kathy
Dusk sings a ballad,
And streetlamps highlight no need for and
Your quivering lips quivering feels a little off
Searching for words, who is searching for words?
Your glinting eyes
Brimming with expectance. expectantcy?
The moon hums the blues
Of your defences coming down. would as work better than of?

Our embrace
Is a dance screaming for avowal.
Once more, I borrow the night air, is once more needed?
And cast the spell a instead of the
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.” is this line needed?

Then the town dims,
And I hear
The stars applauding.


Original:
To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon
Signal the fortress’ crumbling.

The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding.

(02-06-2013, 04:47 PM)brandontoh Wrote:  1st Edit:
To Kathy
Dusk sings a ballad,
And streetlamps highlight
Your quivering lips
Searching for words,
Your glinting eyes
Brimming with expectance.
The moon hums the blues
Of your defences coming down.

Our embrace
Is a dance screaming for avowal.
Once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dims,
And I hear
The stars applauding.

The imagery's sweet and tender, but there's something strange about the way the world and universe are characterised as almost dependant on your narrator ("dusk sings a ballad"/"the stars applauding"). It's as if all of creation is just a chorus for the lovers' union, adding a dark solipsistic undertone which I'm not sure you intended. That said, it is a nice, intermittently moving love poem. I liked your description of the phrase "I'll stay" as a casted spell. Thank you for the read