Hello! This is my first post here. I had a bit of trouble making the last verse rhyme, but I chose to go with the profundity of the contradiction instead of the syntactical aesthetics of prosody.

With dread anticipation of sanity
among mad men I wait
for deities of right
of which I pontificate.

None such from the gilded world arrives
to reveal the quiet lie.
Grotesquery,
latent eruptions of pride.

That which is, exists solely through a veil,
shrouds of ambiguity.
Ubiquitous, our biased eyes,
that gift us these realities.

Lacking ability to perceive,
nothing can truly be,
and with our eyes we are bequeathed
a world devoid of objectivity.

Dismal, juxtaposed against darkness,
I, a tiny figure,
engrossed with significance,
darkly ruminate on that which is pure.

This poem has been moved from Serious to Mild Critique. Serious Critique posting rules state that you should not post in that forum unless "you have already posted at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum". This is a new requirement (only changed earlier today) but you should till get a decent critique here in Mild /admin

I think it's crude intellectual whining at its finest. There is only the implied--intentional--contradiction of taking the effort to speak at all. "Objectively" lamenting my inescapable subjectivity.

This is the only almost complicated thing:

"Lacking ability to perceive,
nothing can truly be,
and with our eyes we are bequeathed
a world devoid of objectivity."

You mean lacking ability to perceive objectively, right?

(01-27-2013, 02:05 PM)nhmarine Wrote:  Hello! This is my first post here. I had a bit of trouble making the last verse rhyme, but I chose to go with the profundity of the contradiction instead of the syntactical aesthetics of prosody.

With dread anticipation of sanity
among mad men I wait
for deities of right
of which I pontificate. -- Try cutting some words and rephrasing some lines. As it stands now this stanza is not as impactful as it can be. The imagery is good but the phrasing pulls me out of it.

None such from the gilded world arrives
to reveal the quiet lie.
Grotesquery,
latent eruptions of pride. -- Same problem as the previous stanza.

That which is, exists solely through a veil,
shrouds of ambiguity.
Ubiquitous, our biased eyes,
that gift us these realities. -- The rhymes in this stanza sound forced.

Lacking ability to perceive,
nothing can truly be,
and with our eyes we are bequeathed
a world devoid of objectivity. -- It is at this point of the poem that I get the feeling you're squeezing in certain words because they sound good. Of course, that may not be the case, but the way the poem is written gives me that feeling. Once again, try to cut the excess and perhaps reword some lines so the imagery works better.

Dismal, juxtaposed against darkness,
I, a tiny figure,
engrossed with significance,
darkly ruminate on that which is pure. -- The first 3 lines are good, but the last line is a little too cliche and not powerful enough in my opinion. Nothing a simple rephrasing can't fix though.

Overall, do try to trim the fats and also remember that big emotions do not come from big words. You have an impressive vocabulary bank, so use that to your advantage. =) Remember, all is but personal opinion, so use what you will. Hope I'm of help. =)