already a member under just doolasmind but complications made me add #11(ps- i did not get kicked lol)


I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo
I was not born tame
My soul runs wild
Captivity shackles
The mind of a child

Battle with virtues
The war is lost
Eternal enemies
Have paid the cost
Spoiled victors
Lose their edge
Divided loyalties
Gain a wedge

Light beckons
Dark as well
Fire illuminates
The gates of hell

I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo
Glass admits
A subtle glance
Beasts reflect
With defensive stance
Time and pressure
Break the hardened
Used and abused
Sold for a bargain
New exhibit!
Come one, come all!
Our pride and joy
About to fall

Eyes of a rebel
Pierce the abyss
Mouth of a servant
Speaks with lisp
Moments pass
Chains grow heavy
Shaky faith
Once was steady
Open the cage
Touch the jungle
"I'd rather not"
His tone a mumble
That dream passed
I'm good for now
Ask not where! Or when!
But who?! And how?!

I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo

I really like this, and I think beginning and ending the poem with the same thing really worked well for you here. I do think that this could stand to be divided into more stanzas.
Additionally, it seemed to me that lines 1-4 were contradicted by lines 5-6? This may very well be me misinterpreting, I DON'T KNOW.

Thank you, and about the contradiction, i probably didn't make what i was trying to express as clear as i would have liked but what i was trying to get off on 1-4 was that i wasn't born to be tame like the animals in the zoo which i just end up sort of repeating anyways.

I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo
I was not born tame
My soul runs wild
Captivity shackles
The mind of a child
- a mutual feeling put into words, if my perception is "correct".

Battle with virtues
The war is lost
Eternal enemies
Have paid the cost
Spoiled victors
Lose their edge
Divided loyalties
Gain a wedge
-This reminds me Ayn Rand on altruism, and the creator vs. the parasite - eternal enemies, spoiled victors, battle with virtues - ( a war in ourselves in our mind. )
Ayn Rand, Howard Roark: In Praise Of Self http://www.panarchy.org/rand/roark.1943.html
- and this story,
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."



Light beckons
Dark as well
Fire illuminates
The gates of hell

I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo
Glass admits
A subtle glance
Beasts reflect
With defensive stance
Time and pressure
Break the hardened - The education system, where coals turn into diamonds, and diamonds turn into coals.
Used and abused
Sold for a bargain
New exhibit!
Come one, come all!
Our pride and joy
About to fall -These few lines brought this video into my head, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR5ApYxkU-U , instantly. I especially love, time and pressure, break the hardened. I wont let it break me - but how do I know it hasn't already?


Eyes of a rebel
Pierce the abyss - We think we are awake and others are sleeping but how do we know we didn’t wake up in another dream? A wolf in sheep's clothing.
Mouth of a servant
Speaks with lisp
Moments pass
Chains grow heavy
Shaky faith
Once was steady
Open the cage
Touch the jungle
"I'd rather not"
His tone a mumble
That dream passed
I'm good for now
Ask not where! Or when!
But who?! And how?! - "Don't get the full picture, just get half! It's all you need, everything is ok, trust me!" - ha. right. because we can exist on half of the truth, and that is why the world is working as it is. These last 7-8 lines remind me of breaking down paradigms, but resisting to do so because we are too scared to trek into "the jungle", the unknown and the uncomfortable. Kind of like, refusing to walk into a maze because we are scared of what exists in the darkest corners of our judgement, even though we know freedom is on the other side.


I was not bred for this
That much is true
To see animals that are
Go to a zoo

I am putting your poem on couch in a room in my mind to sit for a while!

---

Oh, and about the repetition, it fits the poem so well to have it at the beginning and the end like the end of a cycle starting again. It ties in with time and pressure breaking down the hardened.
I am suspicious of televisions power of repetition, and now I suspect the pop ups on my computer are having their way with me through power of suggestion - must ignore! must take my mind into my own hands to recover my sovereignty! thank god for meditation, whatever that god is -

I like how it reads. The farther along you go the faster the words go through your head. It builds energy and excitement.

Isn't it amazing what words can do to emotions?

More stanzas. You do need to split it up into more stanzas. I was having some difficulty with keeping track of where I was.

I do have ADD, and tonight I was even more nervous than usual, so for me it is a bit exaggerated. But I still think that you should break it up a bit more, maybe use some commas, semicolons, or periods to indicate thought breaks.

Other than that though, I think the actual content is great. Just the packaging that needs a bit of work.

(01-21-2013, 11:06 AM)Jagger Cyde Wrote:  I like how it reads. The farther along you go the faster the words go through your head. It builds energy and excitement.

Isn't it amazing what words can do to emotions?

yes! emotions, memories, smells even - or maybe I'm crazy

@yellerlyella123- wow your input was amazing, you really understood what i was trying to convey and i thank

@jagger cyde- thank you

@card- when you say more stanzas do you think i should split it up into more stanzas or add more like it is unfinished because rereading it i felt like it could be a little longer

Oh, just break it up a little. Good organization can make or break poems, since they are read based on how they look.

I don't think your organization broke the poem. I really like how it is broken up - Really though.
The ideas that bring each stanza together make sense. Just my opinion though