I lay and scream because I cannot stand and run –
I have never walked on grass; I have never felt the sun.
I am in a massive warehouse but trapped in a small cage –
I am soaked in a bath of feces; I am too numb to gag.
I look into a puddle just close enough to reach; I drink the wriggling maggots –
Within me a silent screech.
Eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul.
I bite the metal bars – I will never get parole.
The legs around me prod; they kick with aimless rage –
As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg.
Someone tell this little girl! Tell her of my pain! Help her understand my world so life is not in vain!
Help her understand so she can make a choice - help her understand that the consumer has a voice.

Please post a poem in only one forum -- which would you like this in, Serious Critique or Mild?/ admin

No problems I'll leave it here and delete the other.

If it was a Cockatoo it would've bitten her back!

(01-19-2013, 03:33 PM)Yelleryella123 Wrote:  

I lay and scream because I cannot stand and run –Wrong use of hyphen. There is no link needed to the next line. It stands on its own. A suitably enigmatic opener which initially implies a medical condition....we shall see
I have never walked on grass; I have never felt the sun. Normally, repetition of "form" can be a little "list" like. You may have got away with it here but it can be easily restructured. Your poem
I am in a massive warehouse but trapped in a small cage –Drop the hyphen it is just not required grammatically or rhythmically. This is a great line but I want it to be a metaphor....oh, god. It isn't!
I am soaked in a bath of feces; I am too numb to gag. The horror of this statement is grossly understated and comes as more of a shock due to its spontanaeity than its meaning. The impression is that you didn't know this was coming, either. That is unfortunate because it makes the "shock" element (after all, you left it in) gratuitously pre-emptive. In other words, you started and now you will continue in this vein.
I look into a puddle just close enough to reach; I drink the wriggling maggots –
Within me a silent screech.Same old same old. Hyphen. List. Then dreadful forced rhyme. With "reach" you are kind of stuck with "beach", "leech", "peach" or "teach". It doesn't take long to work out that you need to find another ending for the couplet but if you really are keen on the "...eech" try "beseech"
Eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul.
I bite the metal bars – I will never get parole.Now the hyphen is not just passively wrong but dynamically so. The "bar biting" and "parole getting" are just not linked in any way. Hyphens are used to link words or syllables...unless you are using a dash? Dashes are substitutes for "and" or "to" as in chronological intervals. They are also used in pairs to ring-fence a statement or comment. Which is it? Neither methinks. The legs around me prod; they kick with aimless rage –
As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg. I am now lost but will think hard about what this means. I have thought. No idea
Someone tell this little girl! Tell her of my pain! Help her understand my world so life is not in vain! I cannot help the comedic image of you in a bath of shit, dribbling maggots, in a chewed steel cage, in a vast warehouse, with your leg being consumed by a little girl in a christmas frock saying " Hey, somebody, can you tell this kid I am not happy about this situation." It lacks authenticity....even for a dream. As a metaphor for something it may become clear. We shall see.
Help her understand so she can make a choice - help her understand that the consumer as a voice.

Fuck me! Is that what this is all about? Shopping!!!!!!! You really had me going there. I'm off to Tesco's. I may never return.
HAS a voice. Check this sort of typo before posting in serious. Poetry here should be as good as you can get it BEFORE posting.
I cannot say that I noticed any attempt to make the rhythm or rhyme a permanent feature of this piece so I am left with the content. As a stand-alone piece it is a little predictable. Some of the rhymes are forced but that is self-inficted. By the way, I got the Nursery aspect early on but felt that the piece was way too heavy in its execution for such a subject. I looked for some other interpretation. I found metaphors...but not in a good way. Extended metaphors can become self-feeding. The writer (me included) can get carried away with the never ending opportunities that metaphors present to a receptive mind, but you must control the urge to gorge yourself...in the end, your metaphors will eat your poem and you. Burp!
Best,
tectak

Tectak - thank you very much! I am quite new to poetry, this criticism is very useful.
Haha, you made me giggle - I understand what you are saying about how a poems message can eat itself in extended metaphors
I didn't realize my idea was that hidden -


Outside of the work that needs to be done on the writing / errors - Does this change the picture at all for you? ...
There are nurseries for children and there are nurseries for farming animals. What is being farmed here in this poem, a pig in a pen for our stomachs and our plates or a child's mind? Read it again, but imagine an animal waiting for slaughter -

The original name of this poem was Pig's Cry, but I wanted to connect our own minds in society being farmed also.
I wanted to dissolve the idea that a farmed animal is just meat and that it is not a conscious being.
I've heard that a pig (for example) has the intelligence of a 3 year old child - so I imagine what it would feel like to see our 3 year old child in this situation - and it gives me compassion for these animals. I imagine a pig in a slaughterhouse when I read this poem - and that I was raised not to think anything of these animals.
"As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg." I remember being a child and eating duck in the park while I watched the most beautiful ducks jump around for bread. My mom didn't tell me I was eating duck until after I was finished - I didn't realize as a child that I was eating an animal that suffered to get on my plate. That is partially where this poem spouted from -

(01-19-2013, 08:45 PM)Yelleryella123 Wrote:  Tectak - thank you very much! I am quite new to poetry, this criticism is very useful.
Haha, you made me giggle - I understand what you are saying about how a poems message can eat itself in extended metaphors
I didn't realize my idea was that hidden -


Outside of the work that needs to be done on the writing / errors - Does this change the picture at all for you? ...
There are nurseries for children and there are nurseries for farming animals. What is being farmed here in this poem, a pig in a pen for our stomachs and our plates or a child's mind? Read it again, but imagine an animal waiting for slaughter -

The original name of this poem was Pig's Cry, but I wanted to connect our own minds in society being farmed also.
I wanted to dissolve the idea that a farmed animal is just meat and that it is not conscious being.
I've heard that a pig (for example) has the intelligence of a 3 year old child - so I imagine what it would feel like to see our 3 year old child in this situation - and it gives me compassion for these animals. I imagine a pig in a slaughterhouse when I read this poem - and that I was raised not to think anything of these animals.
"As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg." I remember being a child and eating duck in the park while I watched the most beautiful ducks jump around for bread. My mom didn't tell me I was eating duck until after I was finished - I didn't realize as a child that I was eating an animal that suffered to get on my plate. That is partially where this poem spouted from -

.....and that is my point!
If you want to make a point that you feel strongly about (though not, I hope, evangelical.) what is the point of obscuring it?
I got the inferences but the metaphor ate the poem instead of clarifying it by the use of mental imagery. Please don't think I am picking on you but as this is a "poetry" site I just think that the "serious" forum should be for "serious" poetic endeavour. If I am wrong I am sure I will be told!
Before posting it is worthwhile checking spelling, typos and the use of grammar because no one wants to be picky about such things....they should not be part of the crit process.
Poetically, you have shown that you have imagination....everyone does to some extent. Now write something that extends that metaphor which is you. I will look forward to it.
Oh, and I don't mean that you should become a force-fed goose...I love foie gras but it is a bugger to rhyme with.
Best,
tectak

tectak,

"Oh, and I don't mean that you should become a force-fed goose...I love foie gras but it is a bugger to rhyme with."
brilliant/love this line!

Evangelical? No.

Understood, Thank you!

You have some nice questions in your head. This society is a farce; it's good to have someone that's willing to keep their eyes open. So keep writing poems, and strike up some conversations in the discussion section.

(01-19-2013, 04:30 PM)popeye Wrote:  If it was a Cockatoo it would've bitten her back!

this iz whats it iz popeye

serious critique

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hi yella

(01-19-2013, 03:33 PM)Yelleryella123 Wrote:  
I lay and scream because I cannot stand and run – hyphen not warranted, the line leaves the reader waiting for more and works well as an opening line
I have never walked on grass; I have never felt the sun.
I am in a massive warehouse but trapped in a small cage – no need for 'but' or hyphen
I am soaked in a bath of feces; I am too numb to gag. a comma instead of a semicolon, the same with the semi colon on a previous line.
I look into a puddle just close enough to reach; I drink the wriggling maggots – the doubling up of I am, and I, and I have read better as contractions, one or two were okay but now they take up too much of the poem and make it wordy.
Within me a silent screech.
Eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul.is 'away at my' needed?
I bite the metal bars – I will never get parole.
The legs around me prod; they kick with aimless rage –
As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg. would calf or some other leg part work so as to not repeat leg?
Someone tell this little girl! Tell her of my pain! Help her understand my world so life is not in vain!
Help her understand so she can make a choice - help her understand that the consumer has a voice.this line feels a bit trite and preachy, and doesn't help the poem.

some good lines and some like the last not so good, the rhyme scheme needs to be perfect at present it's there then it isn't there. the 1st three lines tie in well with the title and then it starts to get hairy to say the least. the poem feels more like an adult pretending to be a child. i'd say make it be the adult looking back to his memories of childhood and it will be more believable.

i'm also bad with grammar so try and stay on top of it, hyphens are a gimmick most of the time so no need for them till you know how to use them. good effort, i'd like to see an edit though as i think this one is workshop material.

Those aren't hyphens are they? They're dashes, used for a pause.

---

Do you read much Emily Dickinson? She used dashes instead of other punctuation most of the time. And I think some of her work has been edited by the people publishing her over the years, adding punctuation.

A dash doesn't need to be after almost every line. It's used to emphasize things, and to guide the rhythm, sort of a musical technique.

You seem to be using Emily Dickinson's method somewhat.

Hi, As I read your poem, I thought the speaker is an animal. That's great, I love that. There are things in there though that an animal wouldn't understand. I feel like I'm being told a lot of things and given a context that an animal wouldn't be able to give me. Chewing metal bars good. In feces, I care an animal might not. A lot of moments like that. It's a good idea. It just feels like the execution needs to be focused more. This can be an issue with charged subjects. They have a lot to live up to.

Just my thoughts,

Todd

Hello,
well a lot has already been said, so this will be brief (and subjective, so feel free to ignore it completely). Basically just some word choices, i think.
firstly, ‘massive’, an awful word. However, as it is the kind of word a child (or possibly, chicken) would use to describe something then it would seem (grudgingly) okish. The only problem with this (with writing in a child’s voice or childish voice) is that one must maintain it… ‘wriggling’ and ‘massive’ don’t seem to sit well with ‘faeces’ [sorry, I’m english] and ‘aimless rage’ etc. Although, I suspect you were going for innocence and not childishness… so glean from this what you will.
‘…the consumer has a voice’, sorry but this line made me laugh (and tectak’s comments made me laugh out loud, “Fuck me! Is that what this is all about? Shopping!!!!!!!” The problem is that he is right… or at least, the last line suggests this. We are taken through this horrific tale only to be told, ‘buy free range’ [it reminds me of reading Berkeley; one reads all this strange metaphysics about matter not existing only to be told at the end, ‘oh yeah, and read your bible’ as he skips off into the sunset])
I like the line, ‘eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul’ for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on. I would however [if it were me – not necessarily a good thing] make it something like, ‘eating away at my flesh and this cage it eats my soul’ or something like that (not specifically that arrangement). but I think an ‘and’ is better than an ‘as’ here; just from a logical point of view, these two things are probably not happening at the same time, and the 'as' doesn't sound like a comparison at all [to me]. The ‘and’ would better indicate time: you eat my body after this cage has eaten my soul (woe is me, sort of thing).
Also, from a personal point of view, it raises the old Cartesian question about ‘do animals have souls’, which is nice.
oh dear, that wasn’t that brief. I am reading tristram shandy at the moment, so may have adopted some of his habit for digression.

Rowens, you are right on the money when it comes to my hyphens.
When I put my feet in the shoes of the reader chunks of the poem seem scotch taped together from different worlds - the message seemed clear in my mind when I first started writing this..
I am giving a context that an animal wouldn't be able to give, I am trying to speak for them but tie in the perspective of a child / a mind being farmed. This is a mess. Words like "massive" would be okay, if it was an adult speaking ..but it is an animal speaking - with the mentality of a child....? I can't help but laugh at how crazy this reads now. I am imagining a woman in a cushioned room, who believes she is a man, a child and a pig all at once - shitting herself thinking about how she will never get parole for her mental insanity.
I will work on it. Thank you guys!
*

Personification. And comparing a human with a pig. Nothing crazy about that.