Our hearts were heavy.
Our souls pinned to the chair.
Our eyes broke like a levy
as sorrow filled the air.

Only thing moving was the TV.

Only thought was "that's not fair".

I had my family.

We had the biggest scare.

That maybe she'd live and suffer
more than we could love her.

But God did her justice and set her free.

Now, she can finally meet her mom
and reunite with old family.

concidering the content this has a hopeful feel to it, i like the balance of "That maybe she'd live and suffer
more than we could love her" this really made me stop and think. Some other great lines also. You posted in Misc so I'll let it be, really enjoyed the read, thanks TOMH

(12-06-2012, 09:50 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  concidering the content this has a hopeful feel to it, i like the balance of "That maybe she'd live and suffer
more than we could love her" this really made me stop and think. Some other great lines also. You posted in Misc so I'll let it be, really enjoyed the read, thanks TOMH

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. and you can critique/comment it as much as you'd like. lol.

(12-06-2012, 09:42 AM)nothing_good16 Wrote:  Our hearts were heavy. this is a bit cliche and would ask is it needed
Our souls pinned to the chair.Great line sets the scene
Our eyes broke like a levy strong image is Our needed as already saidas sorrow filled the air. could you find a different way to say this? as a bit cliche
Only thing moving was the TV. great line and image

Only thought was "that's not fair".

I had my family.

We had the biggest scare. the 3 lines feel a little weak

That maybe she'd live and suffer
more than we could love her.

But God did her justice and set her free.

Now, she can finally meet her mom
and reunite with old family. I like the ending it counters the heavey opening stanza

All round well worked poem, hope some of the comments help. Thanks TOMH

(12-06-2012, 03:26 PM)saima1 Wrote:  awesome poetry selection keep sharing
urdu poetry

thanks

I'm n love with this! Thank you so much for sharing your lovely poem.

(12-06-2012, 10:23 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  

(12-06-2012, 09:42 AM)nothing_good16 Wrote:  Our hearts were heavy. this is a bit cliche and would ask is it needed
Our souls pinned to the chair.Great line sets the scene
Our eyes broke like a levy strong image is Our needed as already saidas sorrow filled the air. could you find a different way to say this? as a bit cliche
Only thing moving was the TV. great line and image

Only thought was "that's not fair".

I had my family.

We had the biggest scare. the 3 lines feel a little weak

That maybe she'd live and suffer
more than we could love her.

But God did her justice and set her free.

Now, she can finally meet her mom
and reunite with old family. I like the ending it counters the heavey opening stanza

All round well worked poem, hope some of the comments help. Thanks TOMH

Thanks alot for your feedback. This poem was actually about the night my grandmother died and the way I felt. The repetition of "our" was to re-enforce the line "I had my family". And as far as the 3 lines that you said were weak, I thought that it would be best for their simplicity to help portray the mood in the room that night. Those lines pretty much explained all that we could think of that night. I agree that some of the lines are pretty cliche. I'll find ways to revise them but, as a quick question: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?

---

(01-11-2013, 08:18 AM)Fathima Wrote:  I'm n love with this! Thank you so much for sharing your lovely poem.

thank you so much!

All round well worked poem, hope some of the comments help. Thanks TOMH
[/quote]

Thanks alot for your feedback. This poem was actually about the night my grandmother died and the way I felt. The repetition of "our" was to re-enforce the line "I had my family". And as far as the 3 lines that you said were weak, I thought that it would be best for their simplicity to help portray the mood in the room that night. Those lines pretty much explained all that we could think of that night. I agree that some of the lines are pretty cliche. I'll find ways to revise them but, as a quick question: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?

---

All of the comment is just my opinion and what I felt, I have used cliche in the past to make a simple point very clear, Cliche in your poem, in my opinion, weakens the stronger lines, that are excellent. The good thing about feedback is you can take what feels correct and ignore what doesn't. TOMH

Quote: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?

No it isn't always bad to use a cliche, but in general it's if you say something original, if you're new to poetry it best to avoid them like the plague. we tend to write cliche without thinking and that's why they weaken a poem, once you can write a few decent poems without cliche, then you can play around with them and have some fun.

(01-11-2013, 10:08 AM)billy Wrote:  

Quote: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?

No it isn't always bad to use a cliche, but in general it's if you say something original, if you're new to poetry it best to avoid them like the plague. we tend to write cliche without thinking and that's why they weaken a poem, once you can write a few decent poems without cliche, then you can play around with them and have some fun.

that's true. Most cliches are thought of unconsciously...thanks for the response.