You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me.
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in screaming Columbian streets.
You are by my side and that is all I can ask.
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood.
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
tectak
2012

(01-03-2013, 08:30 AM)tectak Wrote:  You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me. Ok i'm on the hook
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in the screaming streets of Columbia . feels a bit wordy could be in screaming Columbian streets.
You are by my side and that is all I can ask.
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood. I like the physical conection to the object it works well
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort. great ending that links well to the opening
tectak
2012

Solid write, really like it and the story you tell. TOMH

(01-03-2013, 08:42 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  

(01-03-2013, 08:30 AM)tectak Wrote:  You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me. Ok i'm on the hook
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in the screaming streets of Columbia . feels a bit wordy could be in screaming Columbian streets.
You are by my side and that is all I can ask.
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood. I like the physical conection to the object it works well
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort. great ending that links well to the opening
tectak
2012

Solid write, really like it and the story you tell. TOMH

Done. Thanks. te ctak

---

(01-03-2013, 08:42 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  

(01-03-2013, 08:30 AM)tectak Wrote:  You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me. Ok i'm on the hook
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in the screaming streets of Columbia . feels a bit wordy could be in screaming Columbian streets.
You are by my side and that is all I can ask.
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood. I like the physical conection to the object it works well
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort. great ending that links well to the opening
tectak
2012

Solid write, really like it and the story you tell. TOMH

Done. Thanks, tectak

(01-03-2013, 08:30 AM)tectak Wrote:  You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me.
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential too wordy and two nows in 2 lines. ...My protection is as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in screaming Columbian streets. is 'of' needed?
You are by my side and that is all I can ask. feels wordy
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid, is and needed? this is one of those non image lines that feel like an image, i like how sounds
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength; i think the repetition of by my side works here because you're talking to the gun.
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood.
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort. pretty haunting last line, it feels a bit like your friend is about to euthanase you
tectak
2012

i found it a bit too wordy in places. though i did enjoy the bond that was portrayed, and the end line was as solid as it could be.

thanks for the read

(01-03-2013, 08:58 AM)billy Wrote:  

(01-03-2013, 08:30 AM)tectak Wrote:  You are my comfort now, your role has changed with me.
My protection seems now to be as inconsequential too wordy and two nows in 2 lines. ...My protection is as inconsequential
as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf, or the sound
of a gun after dark, in screaming Columbian streets. is 'of' needed?
You are by my side and that is all I can ask. feels wordy
When I was young and stood, by my choice, tall as a tree
in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid, is and needed? this is one of those non image lines that feel like an image, i like how sounds
you were by my side. I never told you that you were my strength; i think the repetition of by my side works here because you're talking to the gun.
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down
and put you together again. I knew you as well as blood.
One day, I told you, if I live too long, you will be my comfort. pretty haunting last line, it feels a bit like your friend is about to euthanase you
tectak
2012

i found it a bit too wordy in places. though i did enjoy the bond that was portrayed, and the end line was as solid as it could be.

thanks for the read

Christ! It's like fishing in a barrel tonight. I tell you no lie, billy, this one took five minutes to write as I watched the box. Some docu-shrink talking about guns being bought as a way of ensuring escape from this shitty life when you get too old to climb up a building and jump off. Have I wished you Happy New Year yet?
All your comments will be acted upon. This is terse-hearse-verse but I may extend it......if only for a raison d'etre.
Best,
tectak

yeah you did and i you

and it is.