The winter sun had barely raised
above the dark moor parapet
when wounded quick, fell bleeding into sky.
In haste, o’er fallow fields, I set
a wistful hope, that climbing high,
the certain death may be delayed.

From sodden sods a trail broke clear
up to a coppered wood of beech,
Fraxinus, grey and ashen, lofting tall;
higher than the shade could reach,
on bright branch, sanguine light still falls;
then out of nowhere came a tear.

What thoughts upon me wet my eye?
This wooded copse, a winter eve;
the silence of the windless, frozen air?
Perhaps to sit and guiltless grieve
for all those lost, but still we care,
and though we climb, like suns, we die.


Tectak
December 2012
( This is the last of the hearse-verse.....I am back on the scotch)

nice rhyme scheme and the 2nd line in the 2nd verse is excellent. i'll get back with some in depth feedback later, (rushing all over the place today.

(12-18-2012, 09:10 PM)tectak Wrote:  The winter sun had barely raised
above the dark moor parapet
when wounded quick, fell bleeding into sky.
In haste, o’er fallow fields, I set
a wistful hope, that climbing high,
the certain death may be delayed. Sets up the last line perfectly

From sodden sods a trail broke clear
up to a coppered wood of beech, "up to a" stumbles a bit could you smooth it out with climbed a or something else ?
Fraxinus, grey and ashen, lofting tall;
higher than the shade could reach,
on bright branch, sanguine light still falls;love these two vivid lines
then out of nowhere came a tear.

What thoughts upon me wet my eye?
This wooded copse, a winter eve;
the silence of the windless, frozen air?
Perhaps to sit and guiltless grieve
for all those lost, but still we care,
and though we climb, like suns, we die.


Tectak
December 2012
( This is the last of the hearse-verse.....I am back on the scotch)

This really took me in, I found the lines to be delicate and packed with images I have seen and seen again, hardly any crits from me great work. Can't wait to see what you do when your drunk

here goes.
at first it seemed that the meter was out. but you use the odd beat in each verse in the same way and place. irrespective of that it does flow well. is this accentual verse. the abcbca rhyme scheme is constant, tall and falls i think just made it .

(12-18-2012, 09:10 PM)tectak Wrote:  The winter sun had barely raised
above the dark moor parapet
when wounded quick, fell bleeding into sky.
In haste, o’er fallow fields, I set the image of you striding out feels to have purpose. i like it's strength
a wistful hope, that climbing high,
the certain death may be delayed. the idea that death can be delayed or held at bay is indeed wistful and hopeful, the sun is used well in conjunction with death.

From sodden sods a trail broke clear sodden sods feels a bit forced (like a partial stutter )
up to a coppered wood of beech,
Fraxinus, grey and ashen, lofting tall; tree lovers would hug you for this line
higher than the shade could reach, this is perhaps my favourite line.
on bright branch, sanguine light still falls;
then out of nowhere came a tear. i can relate to this line, i've been to funerals of loved ones and from laughing and joking etc the waterworks start without any thought for one's dignity or pride.

What thoughts upon me wet my eye?
This wooded copse, a winter eve;
the silence of the windless, frozen air?
Perhaps to sit and guiltless grieve
for all those lost, but still we care, i'd say I instead of we
and though we climb, like suns, we die. solid ending


Tectak
December 2012
( This is the last of the hearse-verse.....I am back on the scotch)

i enjoyed it, in parts it felt a little wordy but after a few reads i think a little wordy carried it to the final curtain. not at all sombre. what did enjoy was the input of nature into the thing, at the start i got a feeling of the Pennines. no nits as such. though i suspect you'll tear up every time you read it it's not bad as far as hearse verse goes

(12-19-2012, 07:20 PM)billy Wrote:  here goes.
at first it seemed that the meter was out. but you use the odd beat in each verse in the same way and place. irrespective of that it does flow well. is this accentual verse. the abcbca rhyme scheme is constant, tall and falls i think just made it .

(12-18-2012, 09:10 PM)tectak Wrote:  The winter sun had barely raised
above the dark moor parapet
when wounded quick, fell bleeding into sky.
In haste, o’er fallow fields, I set the image of you striding out feels to have purpose. i like it's strength
a wistful hope, that climbing high,
the certain death may be delayed. the idea that death can be delayed or held at bay is indeed wistful and hopeful, the sun is used well in conjunction with death.

From sodden sods a trail broke clear sodden sods feels a bit forced (like a partial stutter )
up to a coppered wood of beech,
Fraxinus, grey and ashen, lofting tall; tree lovers would hug you for this line
higher than the shade could reach, this is perhaps my favourite line.
on bright branch, sanguine light still falls;
then out of nowhere came a tear. i can relate to this line, i've been to funerals of loved ones and from laughing and joking etc the waterworks start without any thought for one's dignity or pride.

What thoughts upon me wet my eye?
This wooded copse, a winter eve;
the silence of the windless, frozen air?
Perhaps to sit and guiltless grieve
for all those lost, but still we care, i'd say I instead of we
and though we climb, like suns, we die. solid ending


Tectak
December 2012
( This is the last of the hearse-verse.....I am back on the scotch)

i enjoyed it, in parts it felt a little wordy but after a few reads i think a little wordy carried it to the final curtain. not at all sombre. what did enjoy was the input of nature into the thing, at the start i got a feeling of the Pennines. no nits as such. though i suspect you'll tear up every time you read it it's not bad as far as hearse verse goes

Thanks billy. The impudent tear comes on me in the presence of goodness.....as defined by me. Nature does it every time....that and solitude.
Re. ..for all those lost, but still we care... all I can say is if you say "I" and I say "I", surely that's "we".
I agree totally on "sodden sods" but it is a precise description right now. I originally tried "soaking sods", then "muddy sods" then almost gave up on "sods" completely in favour of "mudded mounds".....hmmmm. Reality is...sodden sods!

In an effort to provide a useful critique - I find myself incapable of finding anything about this that needs improvement. I literally read this 3 times over and I find myself both jealous and humbled. Apparently, I have a lot to learn. Haha.

Beautiful work, my friend - the final stanza is one of the best things i've ever read.
I have this sudden urge to try writing while throwing back laughable amounts of whiskey shots.

A great poem. I'll just point out one thing tho - The sun rising in the opening line gave me morning and the reference to eve toward the end says the opposite. There's no indication in the poem of the passage of this kind of time. Probably just me.

(12-22-2012, 07:51 AM)Pete Ak Wrote:  A great poem. I'll just point out one thing tho - The sun rising in the opening line gave me morning and the reference to eve toward the end says the opposite. There's no indication in the poem of the passage of this kind of time. Probably just me.

Hi PeteG
I gave in to poetic licence years ago! Fact is, where this poem was written ( Galway Forest national park) I walked for only an hour. The sun does not enter our valley until about 2pm and at this time of the year drops back below the hill horizon by 3.30 pm......although the trees on the eastern slopes are still ablaze for another half an hour.......so there

---

(12-22-2012, 07:51 AM)Pete Ak Wrote:  A great poem. I'll just point out one thing tho - The sun rising in the opening line gave me morning and the reference to eve toward the end says the opposite. There's no indication in the poem of the passage of this kind of time. Probably just me.

Hi PeteG
I gave in to poetic licence years ago! Fact is, where this poem was written ( Galway Forest national park) I walked for only an hour. The sun does not enter our valley until about 2pm and at this time of the year drops back below the hill horizon by 3.30 pm......although the trees on the eastern slopes are still ablaze for another half an hour.......so there

---

(12-22-2012, 07:51 AM)Pete Ak Wrote:  A great poem. I'll just point out one thing tho - The sun rising in the opening line gave me morning and the reference to eve toward the end says the opposite. There's no indication in the poem of the passage of this kind of time. Probably just me.

Hi Pete
I gave in to poetic licence years ago! Fact is, where this poem was written ( Galway Forest national park) I walked for only an hour. The sun does not enter our valley until about 2pm and at this time of the year drops back below the hill horizon by 3.30 pm......although the trees on the eastern slopes are still ablaze for another half an hour.......so there

(12-22-2012, 04:22 AM)rEVOLVEr Wrote:  In an effort to provide a useful critique - I find myself incapable of finding anything about this that needs improvement. I literally read this 3 times over and I find myself both jealous and humbled. Apparently, I have a lot to learn. Haha.

Beautiful work, my friend - the final stanza is one of the best things i've ever read.
I have this sudden urge to try writing while throwing back laughable amounts of whiskey shots.

Sorry for not thanking you sooner but The Tear fell off the bottom of the page and out of sight was out of mind. My muse is an alcoholic....me? I am everything in moderation
Best,
tectak