On Mr. Shell’s side, the lilies of the valley
& blossoming peonies
My mother deeply loved,

& on Mr. Frank’s side,
Though less friendly there,
The hedgerow shades & their visionary forms.

& when Mr. Frank died
That psychiatrist arrived
Who now, looking back, brought a subtle chill.

But still the summer prisms burned through the mists---
So I’d walk around the block
Down Kedzie street, left,

Down to Michigan Av, before turning north,
Heading eastward to the lake, making friends along the way,
Real or imagined & never being lost!

Welcome!
I like this, it has a quirkiness to it. I also haven't really read anything like this before, like a person whose telling a story about their old neighborhood to their kids or friends.

The one thing that kinda threw me off were all the "ands"
"and on Mr. Frank's side" and "and when Mr. Frank died
I think you can do without them

Is there a way where you can describe why the psychiatrist gave subtle chills? It's an interesting observation that needs more detail.

This was very original, I liked the reminiscing story-telling feel to it.

Thank you for the read.

hi pound on first look all the &'s stick out, so much so that the poem feels less important. try and instead. the 2 middle &'s could go completely.

(12-02-2012, 06:33 AM)pound526 Wrote:  On Mr. Shell’s side, the lilies of the valley
& blossoming peonies
My mother deeply loved,

& on Mr. Frank’s side,
Though less friendly there,
The hedgerow shades & their visionary forms.

& when Mr. Frank died
That psychiatrist arrived
Who now, looking back, brought a subtle chill.

But still the summer prisms burned through the mists--- is but needed? a good image
So I’d walk around the block
Down Kedzie street, left,

Down to Michigan Av, before turning north,
Heading eastward to the lake, making friends along the way,
Real or imagined & never being lost!

i enjoyed this much. it doesn't say a lot but there's a warmth in the words. the area description works well.
thanks for the read.

Thank you all for the constructive tone in your replies. Very appreciated-- esp. compared to some other sites. I think when i was a kid, I said "and" a lot, so my archaic voice spoke through my own a bit. Again, thank you all for criticizing in a positive constructive way!

Nicely done, uttered as a recollection, neighbours as plantation in their gardens, strange how secure it feels to the reader even thought this is your place where you cant get lost. I agree with the crits but no the less enjoyed this. Thanks TOMH

i wos kinda left disappointed..only cos i wanted to know more
i really enjoyed this an i like that there wos no morbid sense of loss looking back into the authors childhood like so many of these writes can be

i agree with billys point on the &'s they do stick out like bulldogs bollo.....make it asthetically unpleasing to the eye

(12-03-2012, 06:40 AM)TwistedAngel Wrote:  i wos kinda left disappointed..only cos i wanted to know more
i really enjoyed this an i like that there wos no morbid sense of loss looking back into the authors childhood like so many of these writes can be

i agree with billys point on the &'s they do stick out like bulldogs bollo.....make it asthetically unpleasing to the eye

---

Yes, maybe i was reading too much Blake stuff with the "ands" at the time as well. i appreciate the constructive tone!!

Hey, I'm not sure if you want punctuation help but this is what popped up for me: The proper names of flowers are usually capitalized. That would include Lilies of the Valley, Peonies.
And Kedzie and Michigan would be Kedzie Street and Michigan Ave. unless you want this to be read as text messaging (and I suspect you might but I'm not 'cool' so I'm not sure.) Not crazy about the overall punctuation of the poem, but I am traditional. For me, proper punctuation is helpful in reading the poem.

Those are details. Somehow you managed to make me feel part of the neighborhood and it felt safe. Not sure how you did that.
gemini

Neighborhoods (circa 1962)
On Mr. Shell’s side, the lilies of the valley
& blossoming peonies
My mother deeply loved,

& on Mr. Frank’s side,
Though less friendly there,
The hedgerow shades & their visionary forms.

& when Mr. Frank died
That psychiatrist arrived
Who now, looking back, brought a subtle chill.

But still the summer prisms burned through the mists---
So I’d walk around the block
Down Kedzie street, left,

Down to Michigan Av, before turning north,
Heading eastward to the lake, making friends along the way,
Real or imagined & never being lost!

Thanks for the candor. I can be breezy with grammar sometimes-- plan to work on that.